He's my roommate
by Niki-the-awesome
Summary: America and Russia must team up to find out who has created a document to force them into a union, and why. BROmance. Contains America and Russian trolling not only eachother but the WORLD. You have been warned.
1. It begins

So this is a story I've been thinking of for a while. It's due to the fact that I've read a couple of stories (most- I don't want to sound like a jerk- we're poorly written. Though some were good) where two countries somehow end up that they are forced to marry one another…or, be in a union. But I found with most that the countries then fall in love and have crazy sexy time. And though some of the stories made sense and you could see the two then falling in love, most of the stories had them saying 'oh! I guess we're married! I guess I love you now lolz babies!'

And I was like 'THAT MAKES NO SENSE YOU HATE HIM!' *fangirl scream of anger*

So I decided to write this. It's a bromance of Russia and America. They won't fall in love. They don't want to. Instead, they try to team up and put their differences aside in order to find out WHO created this fake document to marry them and WHY a person would do that?

Commence the murder mystery music with Alfred and Ivan dressed as Sherlock Holmes and John Watson!

p.s. I don't own Hetalia.

p.p.s. The idea for the 'wax seal' came from one fanfic I read, however I don't remember what it was called. It was cute and made sense.

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Normally Alfred couldn't be damned to pick up his phone. Especially at a time like this-

What time you ask?

Well I'm so glad you're interested because I'm about to tell you.

It was around the time that the Nation of America was having a lovely dream.

What was the dream about?

Pirates.

And the EXACT time, if you want to be literal, was two in the morning.

And that was when his phone went off.

And so, his first reaction was to roll over.

It rang again.

He rolled over again.

His second, business cell phone went off.

He hit 'ignore'.

His 'emergency cell phone of the world is ending' cell phone went off.

He flung it against the wall.

No phone could wake him.

And so a man had to.

That man, was Johnson. A security agent in his mid-thirties whose sole job was the look after the personification of the Unites States of America.

"Sir! Sir you are needed immediately at the white house!"

"Mmmm….sokey…"

"Sir? Sir you need to get up."

America lifted a hand lazily into the air and slowly waved the man away.

"Five more minutes…"

"Sir, if you do not get up I have orders to tazer you."

Alfred snorted.

"Jokes on you, I love lazers," he then yawned, "specially on sharks. Get it? It's a joke."

And that was when he got tazered.

400 watts to be exact.

With a scream the America leapt out of his bed, his eyes wide and his body shaking. His fingers twisted and shook on their own accord as his feet gently vibrated him across the floor.

"GOOD GOD JOHNSON!"

Said agent sighed, putting the tazer back into his pocket and reaching out towards the nation.

"I'm sorry sir but this is urgent. We have to go _right now_-"

"Y-you know w-water works too!" Alfred stuttered, reaching over to the conveniently placed outfit to his left. Agent Johnson grabbed the outfit however, along with America's wrist.

"No time. You can change in the car."

Alfred narrowed his eyes.

"There better be an egg Mcmuffin or your ass is grass Johnson."

"Duely noted sir."

And luckily there was such a breakfast awaiting Alfred inside of the car. He munched on the food happily, pulling on his socks and underwear in the front seat. Agent Johnson kept his eyes to the road, now immune to the young nation's awkward changing habits.

He was the head security of United States of America. Which meant he had to get used to all of the personifications habits and…interesting choice in…

"Sir, why were you sleeping with a gun in your pajamas?"

"Do you really want to know Johnson."

"…no."

"Good answer," Alfred pulled a red t-shirt over his head, his clothes surprisingly casual for such an 'emergency', "So, what's all this about anyway? Did I forget a world meeting or something?"

"I actually don't know sir. I was just told to get you to the white house as soon as possible." America raised his eyebrows before leaning back in his seat, another yawn covering his face.

"Even you don't know? Damn, they tell you everything. Do you feel hurt? Left out of the group."

"No, not really sir."

"Maybe we're throwing you a surprise party, and that's why you can't know."

"I highly doubt that sir."

"Or Mexico came over and now their throwing a surprise party for ME with fajitas."

"I doubt that even more sir." Alfred closed his eyes and smiled, thinking of all the possibilities.

"Naw, I bet it's something special. Like, a new ice cream chain."

"At two in the morning?"

"I said special didn't I?"

Johnson shook his head, his eyes attempting to concentrate on the road and not his own need for rest.

It took them half an hour to get to the white house, and once there it was another twenty minutes to get past security. First they had to get to the house, then to the security room, then down the elevator, then down the second elevator with its password, and then through multiple guards until they were in the basement of all basements. The mother room.

The war room.

Alfred slowly began to wake up as they continued down into the depths of his country. After all, the further down you went, the more serious the matter was. And so to be standing in the most important of all rooms, it had to be serious.

War serious.

His smiling expression turned cold as he first thought about each state scattered across his body. Nothing hurt. Nothing ached…

No surprise attack.

So was it political?

As they walked through the last of the security, Alfred was able to look ahead to see the large, white table at the center of the room. At one end sat his boss, and only his boss.

Not a good sign.

As Alfred walked in, Johnson was held back, standing behind the last of the doors.

Even WORSE sign.

"Alfred, sit down. We need to talk."

_Oh god, he called me by my first name. REALLY BAD SIGN._

The young nations sat at the opposite side of the table, his fingers twitching with nerves (and from the shock earlier). The president closed his eyes and folded his hands, his body rigid but under control. There was silence in the room for a few minutes, allowing Alfred to think of every horrible possibility.

Like World War Three.

Or Canada cutting off his oil supply.

Or China declaring war.

Or Germany in tight leather pants.

_Oh god, let it please not be the later…_

"Alfred," The nation perked up at his name, his body screaming with anxiety, "I need you to be honest, and just listen to me alright?"

"Yes sir."

"Alright, first things first. Do you recognize this?" A large document slid along the table to Alfred, the American grabbing it before it hit him. He quickly gave it a glance over.

It didn't look like any disaster report…

Or any war report he'd ever seen.

He quickly flipped through a few pages.

Trades, union, currency, democracy….

Nothing out of the ordinary.

He slowly shook his head.

"No…it seems like any old document to me, why is it impo-"

"Alfred, I need you to be _certain_ that you've _never _seen it before." Alfred swallowed hard and looked through the document again…

Or, should he say documents.

It was huge, with well over a thousand pages held inside the folder. Each bundle was clearly labeled, but as to what purpose he had no idea. He skimmed some more, trying to wrack his brain over the possibility of what it all meant.

National/ international trade, senate, president –prime minister-, army officials, oil transportation, recreational transportation, tax inclusion and deduction, GST, price of foreign goods, boundaries of union trade under bi-law….

Words.

Words that certainly meant different things, but nothing in particular. If anything the document seemed to be incredibly vague, having no real meaning to it. After a few more minutes of skimming Alfred gave a very deep breath and closed the folder, his heart racing.

"No. I don't know what this is." The president sighed and looked away and for a moment America thought he gave the wrong answer, that is until the man across from him motioned towards Alfred.

"Then please explain the third last page."

"Pardon?"

"The third last page, and roughly…the 22 page, and a page somewhere in the beginning of the 200's." Alfred slowly looked down to the folder and flipped it over, thumbing back to the third last page where…

His name was typed.

Then printed.

Then signed.

He blinked dumbly before thumbing through some more pages.

More signatures…

More signatures by HIM-

"Uh- wait a minute I don't remember signing this-"

"It gets worse Alfred-"

"Wait did I sign some sort of trade document and don't remember or-"

"Alfred the fifth page."

"Because I really don't remember doing this-"

"The fifth page Alfred! Please!" The boy looked up to his superior before thumbing to the fifth page.

There in big bold letters was his name, and his signature.

And a wax seal containing an eagle, a bundle of wheat, stars, a flag with-

"UM-OH HI THERE WHAT?" Alfred hollered, nearly jumping out of his seat at the sight of it. The wax seal.

HIS wax seal.

"Alfred, did you use-"

"WHAT? Nu-UH I haven't used the seal in like-since- since we pulled out of Vietnam! I don't ever remember-"

"Well clearly you have to since your seal is on it-" Alfred slammed his hand on the table, his anger rising.

"Uh-no! It's obviously a forgery! Come on, who the hell would- why would I even seal a document like this!" The president got up, rubbing his temples as he came up to the flustered nation.

"It's NOT a forgery Alfred-"

"Well clearly it is if-"

"No Alfred, no. The one we show the public does not have the unicorn of the United Kingdom, and it also doesn't have the small inscription here. No one besides a select few know your true seal Alfred. And even for those that do, one can't simply replicate a seal that is well over a hundred years old-"

"Well they did since I DIDN'T DO IT-"

"That or you decided to get so drunk-"

"Sir I would NEVER use the seal for some-"

"Alfred calm down!"

Silence filled the room before his boss walked away, his arms folded as he took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry Alfred, this is all just…rather stressful." America sat back down in his chair and leaned back, shutting his eyes momentarily in concentration.

"What is the document about?"

"I just…I knew you would never agree to this but, I don't know how someone could have forged this…" Alfred sighed and gave a shrug.

"Can't we just pretend this document…whatever it is, never showed up?"

"We can't. Because if there is a copy of this somewhere and we were found out to have destroyed it…we would most likely have another scandal on our hands…"

Alfred fliped through a few pages lazily, his mind wandering.

"And we can't void it since it has my seal…"

He licked his lips at the word.

The national seal.

Each country had a seal. A very special wax seal to show that the country gave its approval for an action. Most things didn't need the seal, however if a nation wanted to be taken seriously by their boss, or if the people wanted a change that the boss didn't approve of, the seal could be used to set the new law. No questions asked. Of course, this meant that the seal could only be used on rare occasions, and that a nation had to think wisely about using their own.

Which was why this was a matter of grave importance…

And which is why Alfred found it odd.

He tapped his finger on a page titled 'trade union'.

Union.

"What is the document about?"

"I just…I don't know Alfred. I don't know how we can cope with such a change like-"

"What did I agree too?"

"Everything will have to be reorganized, and the voting period is already around the corner-"

"Tell me."

The president silently turned around and, instead of speaking, simply walked over to Alfred and turned to a certain page near the front. He tapped it, and Alfred looked down to read its contents.

**The future partnership and union of the Russian Federation and the United States of America.**

**The following document will discuss and explain the details agreed upon for the partnership of the United States of America and the Russian Federation.**

**Said Union shall be called the Russio-American pact.**

And that was when Alfred threw up.

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Ok? Not ok? I hope that was an alright way to begin the story. Again, this is going to be a bro-mance. Mostly Russian and America mentally screwing with each other and trolling other countries. ^^.


	2. Seems Legit

Just so you guys know there will be some angst in this story. But I'm hoping to have more funny moments then serious. We'll see. I also don't really know the official pairings as of yet. Tell me what you think.

I don't own Hetalia

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It was cold out, however, it seemed to always be cold, so this wasn't really an accurate description of the weather.

In the dead of winter, it was cold.

In the rainy spring, it was cold.

When the fall leaves began their journey to the ground, leaving their comrades behind to shiver in the wind.

It was cold.

And on the extreme summer days, when not even the dear dared to stir due to the heat,

It was still cold.

So very cold.

Russia rubbed his neck and gave a gentle sigh, his mind always seeming to hover over the same topic. Over the one question that he had never been able to answer, no matter how hard he tried.

Why was he always cold?

Canada was not as cold as he was, neither was Finland or Greenland. All these other snowy countries, and yet they could still handle the daily weather.

Russia however, always needed his scarf. Because he always seemed to be cold.

And because he was almost positive his scarf represented a part of his country, he just couldn't pinpoint where exactly.

He held up one end to his face, his eyes examining the soft, very loved fabric in front of him. Somehow only this could warm him. No amount of fire could seem to heat up his chilled body. Nor could any amount of human contact-

_Though Lord knows I've tried._

He brought his lips to the soft clothing, giving it a small kiss as thanks before dropping it. He lifted his eyes to an agent, who gave him an odd look.

Ivan smiled in return, giving a little wink before looking away, causing the agent to shift uncomfortably.

"Um- I am sure they will be here any moment sir. Their car has just radioed us to tell us of their arrival."

"So good to hear! Though, I must admit that I am not surprised…what is the time Ivana?"

The woman sitting to the left of Ivan stared down at her watch, then turned to Ivan, her face expressionless.

"Ten past eight sir."

"Ah!" Russia sighed happily, his left leg crossing over his right slowly, "As I said, I am not surprised! Ten minutes late for a 'very secret important meeting'? How very…hmm, what is the word?" Ivan turned again to his assistant who stared simply at the agent across from her.

"American?"

"Yes! Yes how very _American_ of your leader. I will have to take a note, ah, let's see…Ivana, would you mind?"

"Not at all." The beautiful woman whipped out a notebook, her pen at the ready.

"Note to self: The supposed president of this very obese nation seems to be as incompetent as his predecessor. Sad face." The woman finished her scribbling before showing it to Ivan, who nodded in approval.

"Very good. And I see you wrote it in Russian? I am so happy I do not have to ask you to do so Ivana."

"It is what I am paid for sir." Russia then turned to the American agent, who looked about ready to punch Ivan in the face. Ivan flashed him another smile, this one being darker however, his expression just begging the agent to try something.

The American simply got up though, the ruckus from around the corner catching not only his but the other two's attention.

Down the pure white hallway Alfred spazed and swore under his breath, his anger rising with each step.

He was dead, Ivan was so dead. He was deader than dead. He was Lindsay Lohan's music career dead, that's how dead he was.

As America rounded the corner he spat, his frustrated building to a boiling point. And all he needed to set it off was the **last **country that he wanted to see.

Russia.

Who was smiling happily at him.

"Dobray Ootra Amerika-"

"Don't you _f-ckin_ dobo otro me you slimy-"

And that's when America saw her, and the sight of her hit her like a ton of bricks. That beautiful, dangerous face. The face of pure perfection; smooth skin, dark brown hair, hazel eyes-

"Sir, you're narrating your life again." Alfred whipped his head back to see Johnson, panting slightly as he jogged up to the nation, "And you are a bit too close to the lady." The American looked back to his current situation and found that he was now in front of her, towering over her very hot, very 'I'd tap that body'-

"_Sir _please stop talking out loud you are embarrassing yourself."

"Dude I'm not talking out loud!"

"I assure you that you are." They all then turned to Ivan, who continued to sit beside the woman, a warm smile on his face. The Russian uncrossed his legs, revealing the notepad and pen used earlier. He scribbled something down and looked back to America, "I think though, that to sound more romantic you should say her 'sliming body, like that of a Greek Goddess'. Saying that she is very 'tap-able' isn't as…how should I say…lovely sounding. It makes you sound like you want her like a dog-"

"Dude I don't wana tap DOGS-"

"What you do in your spare time is not my business friend-"

"And I am not your FRIEND Ruski! It's your fault I'm in this mess!" Alfred stepped to Ivan, who stood immediately so as to tower over the American.

"It is not my fault you began to narrate the situation. I was merely taking notes so as to remind you of how much of an…as you say, ass you made of yourself."

"No! No YOU are the ass Russia! You are!" Russia giggled, twirling his scarf in his hand.

"You are being a child Amerika."

"No YOU are the child!"

"And just proving that you are an idiot."

"You! You are the idiot!"

"And stupid."

"YOU'RE stupid! Your face is stupid!"

"And it's very cute of you."

"NO YOU'RE CUTE-wait-F-CK! AH!" Alfred then swore violently as Russia laughed, his body almost heaving over from his wracks of laughter. Johnson and Ivana looked at one another, unsure of what to do before Alfred screamed, "I swear to GOD Russia!" Alfred then grabbed Ivan by the scarf, causing him to continue his insane laughter, "I am going to RIP off your scarf, and SHOVE it down your throat, then I'm going to-"

"Alfred enough!" America and the three agents went silent while Russia continued to laugh, the president and Putin now walking into view.

Obama gave a very curt nod to Russia before slapping Alfred lightly on the back of the head. America swore again, glaring ever so slightly at his boss before looking to the ground. Putin shook his head.

"Rus, I've told you, do not pester America." Ivan pouted.

"I was just teasing him, no harm done!"

"Well please refrain from it for the moment. We have a serious matter at hand." The calm man then began to walk down the hallway, Ivan shrugging and following after his boss. Alfred looked over to Obama, who simply glared at America and began to follow after the Russians. The three agents stayed behind, still in confusion over the situation.

Soon the two countries and their leaders found themselves in the war room.

The president and Putin sat at one end while Alfred found himself, much to his dismay, at the other end with Ivan. Said Russian sat happily and began to knit (where he got the knitting needles and yarn only god knows) while America sat uncomfortably.

There was silence for a few minutes while the two leaders got their papers organized. It felt like a lifetime for America, however he noticed that the Russian nation seemed completely at ease.

This, of course, made America even MORE uneasy.

"Gentlemen," Obama was the first to speak, "As you know, we seem to have a very odd situation on our hands."

"Yes, I know." Russia said simply, causing America to gawk. He then raised his hand.

"Uh, question? If Russia knows the situation then why isn't he freaking the F-CK OUT-"

"Calm down Alfred-"

"No! No seriously! We got you guys over here as soon as humanly possible, and you know the situation? And you're NOT finding it-"

"Amerika," Russia sighed, placing his knitting needles down to look at the younger nation, "You seem to be worked up for nothing."

Alfred deadpanned.

"N-nothing? Nothing? NOTHING? Do you even KNOW what this document MEANS-"

"It is a fake-"

"Yah I KNOW-"

"So it is invalid. It is nothing but a waste of time." Alfred blinked then looked to his boss, pleading for some sort of answer. Obama coughed slightly.

"Well, it is true that we know it is a fake, since the two of you deny ever signing it, however…that doesn't make it invalid."

Ivan scoffed.

"Of course it is. And even if it is well written, it doesn't matter. We just pretend it never showed up." America's muscles slowly began to relax as he gave a sigh of relief. His mind began to work, looking at all the flaws and silly details.

Of course! Of course! Just because someone used the seal doesn't mean that it has to be done! Besides it's probably filled with legal holes. And they could always pretend they never found it-

"It is not that simple." Putin sighed, snapping America away from his thoughts. The young nation frowned.

"Why?" Putin then held up a large, brown envelope.

"We, both of us, received this document from an unmarked sender. No DNA on it. We don't know who sent it, or why, but there is reason to believe that if we destroy these two, there will still be copies elsewhere."

"Then just say those ones are fake! Because they are." America waved it off, not noticing Russia's face becoming more serious.

"But no doubt the other copies also have the appropriate signatures and wax seals, and if it was made known to the public that such a document was created and not honoured-"

"We would have anarchy." The three of them looked to Putin, who rubbed his tired eyes, "You both should appreciate how important that seal of yours is. If we say the seal doesn't matter, then that means that any country that wishes to use their own seal in the future will be questioned. This is the one power you countries are given. The one veto you have over your own lives. If we take that away…you have no means of controlling this little aspect of your life."

Obama gave a heavy sigh. "And we cannot tell the truth that someone has managed to copy your wax seals because then-"

"Then all documents with the wax seal will be questioned." Russia slowly brought his fingers to his mouth, his mind buzzing with thought, "Not to mention, it would inform the public that someone has such power of their government."

America laughed nervously, his fingers twitching as he shook his head.

"Nah-naw-no. You guys aren't serious right? This is a joke right? You can't ACTUALLY mean that we have to honour this document…right?"

The room went silent. Deathly silent.

The low hum from the radiator was the only thing that dared make a noise in that room. Alfred looked from one person to the other, his eyes pleading for the answer he was looking for. Pleading for someone to tell him that his future had not just been decided by some madman. All eyes looked away though, caught in their own thought.

That is, until Russia stood up. The table shook from the force, his chair sliding back across the floor. The smile of the Russian's face was gone, and instead there was a determined, hard look.

"Give us the documents. There is bound to be a loop hole. One cannot know the proper terms for all of these government areas. America and I will stay here and we will read them over. It will be fine," He then turned to America, who nodded along with the Russian, "We will find the weakness."

And it began well enough.

Alfred sat at his end of the table, Russia at the other. Both holding a pen at the ready, their whole lives ready for this moment. Alfred wanted to laugh. He always thought those boring documents he had to read over were for nothing, but now, for once, he was glad he had become a good editor.

There was hope yet.

Johnson brought a Starbucks coffee to Alfred and Alfred gave him thumbs up in return.

At Ivan's end of the table there was a bottle of vodka and a shot glass. Of course.

Both nations didn't speak to each other. But it was better that way. They had a lot of reading to do, after all.

And so it began.

More editing, another Starbucks run. This time with more sugar.

Almost found a loop hole, however he had just misread a sentence.

Oh well, lots more probably.

Third Starbucks. Ivan was already of his fourth bottle.

McDonald's run. Three Big Mac's and large fries, along with a super sized coke. Russia grunted for a moment at the smell of the food, but didn't say anything, much to America's surprise.

Coke ran out, got a refill. Ivana came in with some sort of soup for Ivan. Before she left Ivan whispered something in her ear, and she nodded before leaving.

More Starbuck's. The section on foreign trade was fool-proof. Who would have thought?

Dairy Queen. Large milkshake and some chicken strips. Ivan got up and left the room for about half an hour before returning, looking less tired.

There were 17 empty vodka bottles.

Starbucks. Alfred found it hard to hold his hand straight, but he was reading faster than he ever has before. Ivan took a moment to move all the vodka bottles to the floor in order to make room for more.

Burger King. America asks Ivan to open the bag for him since his hands won't stop shaking.

The economics section is secure too. Sneaky bastard.

Chocolate bar run. Seven snickers, eight kit kats and three bags of M&M's. Ivana comes in to clear Ivan's empty vodka bottles away. It takes her three runs.

McDonald's again. Alfred finished the document but decides to go over it again, since he knows there has to be a mistake. Ivan is humming very softly, allowing America to think that he is possibly drunk. The number of vodka bottles can no longer be counted.

Starbucks. Alfred scratches his chin and feels some stubble. How long had he been reading? Two days?

Pizza Hut. Ivan, much to Alfred's horror, asks for a slice.

America can no longer feel his fingers, and he wonders if he should tell Ivan.

Starbucks. Alfred almost throws up.

Ivan finishes a bottle of vodka, then smashes it on the table, causing Alfred to look up. Ivan then holds his face in his hands, the smallest of whimpers coming from the tall man.

Finally, after so long, the two leaders return. They looked at Russia, who is still hiding his face, and frowned.

"I take it this is not good news?" Putin asked before Russia lifted up his tired face.

"Nothing…I couldn't find a single flaw. I read it five times. All of it. It all works. It's insane, but it works." The two leaders then looked at Alfred, who sighed and threw the now hated document down.

"Same. Whoever this is knows their stuff. It seriously sounds legit." The four fell into a silence once more. Obama sighed.

"So, we must honour the document."

More silence, before Alfred fell back in his chair whining.

"Oh dear GOD how are we going to tell the PRESS?"


	3. The Press

Swearing in this chapter, just so you know. I don't own Hetalia. I should be studying for my Chinese quiz .

/

Everyone knew that nations could heal. However, this did not mean that after a national disaster within a day everything would be fine, rather, if the personification was hurt they could heal rather quickly. In fact, in times of peace and prosperity nations had been known to break their legs and heal all within the same hour.

Of course, this healing factor did not only apply to bones, but also limbs, muscles, internal organs…

Even fingernails.

Normally Russia was grateful for this healing factor. He couldn't count the number of times he had been seriously injured, never the less killed, so being able to recover was absolutely necessary.

However, at the moment, he did not like the power. In fact, you could say he had a particular loathing towards it.

Across the table Alfred scribbled on his paper, his right hand twitching and writing madly while his left hand held onto his lips.

His eyes were red, his hair greasy and unkept.

And as the American seemed to finish a thought on paper, he pushed his index finger to his teeth before grabbing the nail and ripping it off of his finger.

He then spat it onto the ground, and kept writing.

Ivan's eye twitched.

Alfred grabbed another nail and ripped it off of his hand and spat it out, a bit of spit flying out this time as well.

On the ground, a small pile had begun to form of the now dying cells.

And why?

Because as soon as America had finished tearing all the nails off of all his chubby fingers, the first ones had already grown back. So, he would move back to the first and rip them off too, before going through the rest.

It was the most horrible pattern Ivan had ever seen, and it never seemed to stop.

It just kept going and going and **going.**

Alfred groaned slightly into his fingers and scratched his face, not wanting to look up at the other nation.

Who just seemed to keep STARING at him.

As if America wasn't under enough stress already.

Enough _incredibly insane unrealistic my life is ending kill me please __**stress.**_

His speech was crap.

This situation was crap.

_Everything is crap. This is crap city. In fact, children will look back on this in their history notes and learn about how horrible crappy it was and how everyone hated me and then how I went and murdered myself because everyone is going to think I'm insane and that this situation is insane and that I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life and then Britain is going to come and try to push me around again because I look like I don't know jack SHIT about running my own house and I'll be like BITCH PLEASE and then we'll have another war and Canada will probably side with him because Britain still gives him money and he always wanted to be the favourite and is it MY fault if I was just more outgoing and awesome and all He wanted to do all day was sit around and whine about how he missed France even though I still think France is a pansy prick who can't even-_

"Amerika?"

"What?"

"You are beginning to frighten me."

Alfred looked up from his papers to see Russia with, not so much of a look of concern on his face, but a look of confusion and disgust. America frowned.

"What? Ok seriously? I am so _not_ in the mood for your little 'Russian mind games' ok?" Ivan shook his head though.

"Though it pains me to say, nor am I. Now is not the time for games. However, I thought you would like to know that you have begun to literally bite your fingers."

"Yah, I do that when I'm nervous bro-"

"No, I mean, you are biting your fingers off." Alfred gave Russia an odd look before looking at his left hand that

OH DEAR GOD

The younger nation twisted up his face at his very bloody, mangled hand. Two of his fingers had been plain bitten off, while his middle one was only half gone, the rest a bloody, broken bone. He scrunched up his nose and spat out whatever was in his mouth, not caring to look at what it was. Blood sprinkled over his page as he gave a frustrated groan.

"I didn't even feel it-"

"Stress does that."

"Yah, yah stress. Ok, ok here's a question, why aren't YOU freaking the f-ck out?" Alfred spat on the floor twice more, attempting to get his taste out of his mouth, "Here I am trying to write the speech of my life and all you keep doing is _staring_ at me like some freakoid."

"Well I am not relaxed if that is what you are trying to imply."

"Cut the CRAP dude! This is like, like the most SERIOUS shit EVER. In a freakin HOUR we have to go in front of the entire world and explain that some shithead has just screwed over our two countries and now we have to clean it up somehow!" America stood up, his now healed hand punching the table in anger, "And I've been trying to write the best I can to calm down my people and all you do is keep-keep STARING AT ME! What the F-CK HAVE you even WRITTEN!" Ivan leaned back in his chair and sighed, a small smile crossing his lips.

"My speech is fine. It is you I am worried about-"

"Show it to me." Russia shrugged and slid his folder across the table. As Alfred grabbed it he expected to find a group of pages, each quickly written up with side notes and the like found all over.

Instead, all he found was a single piece of paper with a few point form notes.

He began to shake.

"I-I'm about…my life is literally about to be f-cked and…and you're WINGING THE SPEECH-"

"I have given worse speeches in my life-" The US slammed the paper down.

"Like what? What could POSSBILY be worse than telling the public this?" Russia scratched his ribs, a yawn almost escaping his mouth.

"Try telling Stalin Germany caught us with our pants down. Then you tell me that this speech is hard."

"You-you did point notes. Point form notes and-and what the hell is this?" America pointed at a small doodle at the corner of the paper, his hands shaking, "We're on the brink of disaster and you're DOODLING?" He then looked down at the paper, his head shaking, "What-what the hell is it even supposed to be?"

Ivan then giggled.

"It is you, France and I doing the Eifel tower."

Alfred brought the paper closer to his face, his brows furrowing.

"I don't get it."

"Ask Britain the next time you see him."

"You suck." The doors opened as two security guards walked in, their sunglasses gleaming in the white room.

"Sir, it's time for you to get ready." Alfred covered his face with his hands.

"Oh god…here we go."

"It's alright sir. I'm sure whatever the news is will go over just fine with the press." America let out a small sob before walking towards the door with the two guards. Russia stood up and collected a few of the papers on the desk, quickly snatching America's speech to give it a one over before they left the room.

A quick read showed it to be fair enough-

Of course, far from anything some of the other countries could write, however Alfred was still young, and many good speeches came with experience.

Ivan's eyes skimmed down the page. It explained the situation well enough.

In the end they had decided to blame the situation on 'past leaders' (who would remain unknown) who had created the treaty and tricked America and Russia into signing. It was a poor plan, and was most likely to be sniffed out by the more intelligent civilians, however it was the best they could do at the moment.

That was, until they found out whoever did create the phony document.

Which was why Russia was calm at the moment. Yes, he was rather stressed about informing the public of such an odd treaty, but what put his mind at ease was the fact that soon the man who created this treaty would be caught (and tortured) and then the treaty would be made invalid.

Yes, it would be rather embarrassing to announce the forming of a union only to call the thing off within a week, however it was better than the alternative.

With a satisfied sigh Ivan continued to skim the rest of the pages, his body already relaxing.

They would inform the press (because if word got out before a press conference was held they would be screwed and accused of treason- which in itself made little sense for a country to commit treason on itself) possibly go through with the ceremony (if it even came to that) then call the thing off as soon as they found the culprit.

Why, Ivan bet the whole thing would be over in less than a week.

And before anyone knew it they would be back to their old ways of-

"Oh." Russia hummed, causing Alfred to turn around to him, a look of frustration on his face.

"What? What now-oh come on! Oh don't go editing my speech man! It's fine! Just-just give it over here!" Russia held the paper up out of Alfred's reach as the shorter man came over, "Not NOW DUDE we're on in like, fifteen minutes!"

"I seem to have noticed a mistakes in your speech Amerika-" Alfred laughed angrily.

"Oh! Ok cool! Haha! Ok that's funny! See? I'm laughing! We're buds! Now GIVE IT TO ME-"

"Nyet…I do not think you fully understand the situation at hand-"

"Oh yes I DO! Yes I DO UNDERSTAND the situation of YOU being a DICK and not GIVING ME MY SPEECH! NOW JU-"

"Amerika, do you know what this union is?" The American flared his nostrils, his eyes full of hate.

"It means I can't STAB YOU-"

"No, no it is more than that-"

"Then I don't CARE because I have to NOT look like I haven't slept in three days so I gotta get READY-"

"And it is not so much of a friendship we are creating. Friendships are treaties Ameriak. This is not a treaty that we are announcing to the press-" Alfred threw his hands into the air, a strangled scream escaping his lips.

"FINE! Fine! Just TELL ME what it is and let me GO! PLEASE!" Russia sighed before handing the paper back to the US.

"It is a marriage licence."

"Oh, ok cool. Ok fine. Now go be a freak over…there while…I…" His mouth suddenly went dry as he stared down at his paper.

Marriage.

_Marriage?_

"uhhhhhhh…"

"Alfred! There you are! What are you doing? Stop looking like a retarded puppy and get your suit on! The press is waiting outside and you're almost on!" The American looked up from his paper only as he began to be dragged away, his mind in shock as he looked at Russia, who gave him a void expression.

Marriage.

He was getting married?

Someone ripped his shirt off and quickly put a new one on, adjusting his tie while someone else yanked and pulled on his hair.

Like…married married? Like…two peas in a pod married?

A pair of sunglasses were shoved on his face before he was pulled out some doors into the light.

_Like…wait…_

Wait…

"WAIT!" But there was only silence.

Well…ok, silence from the rest of the podium, save the noise of Obama giving himself a face palm. The large group of people murmured in front of him, various cameras going off while a tv camera man gave Alfred a funny look.

"Uh…I mean…uh.." He looked down at the podium, his speech- bloody speech- sitting in front of him. And behind that were all the people. And reporters.

And blood sucking, two timing, terror raising, mind numbing-

_Oh god…oh…_

_ohGAWD_

_OHGAWDOHGAWDOHGAWDOHGAWD WHAT DO I DO_

The words on the page began to jumble and dance around. Someone coughed in the crowd, and behind him Alfred could hear Russia clear his throat.

America tried to clear his own, but fount it incredibly dry. He reached out and grabbed the glass of water to his left, downing the liquid quickly.

The lights were so bright. The weather so hot.

His fingers trembled as he picked up his papers and shuffled through them. He tried to read the lines, but his hands shook so bad he could hardly make out the words.

He looked up.

The world stared back.

He looked down at his notes, shuffled some more.

The third page was actually Russia's speech. The writing was neat and in some sort of Russian cursive. And in the bottom corner of the page was that stupid little stick drawing.

That little…

Alfred brought the paper close to his face.

_Oh._

_Oh! I get it._

He then licked his lips and looked up at the crowd, giving a nervous chuckle.

"Uh- um so…so apparently," America squinted at the picture, "Russia and I are…doing each other."

/

Har har. I had to. I'm sorry. I just had to end it on that note. I thought it would be a pretty good punch line.

Imagine the look of Arthur's face. He's spitting out his tea now.

And yes, again this is a bromance, what Russia drew was just to mentally mess with Alfred (as always).


	4. No way out

I know this all might seem kind of slow, but the story will pick up the pace soon. I just want to get all of my bases covered so no one could say 'well you didn't explain the possibility of there being fingerprints on the document' or whatnot. Plus I imagine both countries would search all options before going through with some union that someone ultimatly has forced them into. So after this chapter the comedy will step up (especially when the two then have to move in with eachother. Ho boy)

I don't own Hetalia

/

"Students report that the rabbit will be giving birth at any time, so it really is an exciting moment here for Sunny Elementary school. Back to you Suzanne."

"Thanks Shelly. Back to our lead story, the union that has shocked everyone. A surprise turn of events has just occurred as the nation of America and the Russian Federation have just announced a surprise union between the two. Chris Hampston reports."

"Thank you Suzanne. The weather seems to be fitting the mood here in Washington as our beloved nation has just announced a union between himself and the Russian federation. Only hours ago the United States took to the platform and revealed this turn of events."

"In a shocking way, so I hear it Chris?"

"That's right Suzanne. It seems our nation doesn't beat around the bush as he apparently admitted to having sexual relations with the other nation, before being taken off stage by security."

"And I take it the rest of the announcement was given by the Presidents of both countries?"

"Correct again Suzanne. After America's outburst, neither himself nor the Russian Federation have been seen. We are currently taking an hour break before the two presidents will open the floor to questions."

"I'm so screwed." Ivan turned his head slightly to Alfred, who sat curled up in the corner. They had been moved to another top security room deep within the heart of the White House. There wasn't much in the room but a few chairs and a television. Before leaving the guard told them not to touch anything, or speak to anyone, under order of the president.

Though, Russia couldn't be sure which one it was.

Probably both.

"It is not so bad, you could have done worse…though, at the moment I can not think of what is worse than telling the press we are sleeping together," Ivan wrinkled his nose, "People will think I am lowering my standards."

"Why did I say that? Why was that the first thing I said? Oh god…I am so screwed. If there was any chance this could be ok, I just ruined it." A commercial popped up on the TV about cars. Russia clicked his tongue.

"It will blow over. We will just say it was a slip of the tongue…though, don't emphasize the tongue part. People will get the wrong idea-"

"It's all _your_ fault." The American moaned, pulling his knees closer to his chest, "It's because you drew that stupid porn that I said it."

"I _did_ mean for the picture to throw you off to make you look like a fool, however I did not account for the fact that it could work so well."

"Just kill me. Just, just kill me now dude."

"Tempting, but I would not be able to hide the body fast enough. Besides," Ivan glanced towards the corners of the walls, "There are cameras. If we announce we are getting married the same day I kill you, things will look rather…ah…suspicious."

Alfred groaned louder. Ivan turned up the volume to the TV in a vain attempt to drown out the other's constant sighs.

It didn't help.

"I can't go through with this man. I can't marry you. Not only because I hate you and I kind of want you to die in a fire, but also because you smell bad…and I bet you snore."

Russia rubbed his forehead, his face too tired to put on his 'smile of death'.

"Yes well, I am not exactly excited about footing your bill to China, so I guess we are even-"

"And you drink all the time dude. And you smoke like, seven packs a day. AND you're really heavy so like, if you pass out drunk it's gonna be a pain to drag your ass into your bed."

Ivan turned up the volume again.

"And you're all creepy and pervy. And you do that freaky smile that kills puppies. And I bet you'll put cameras in the shower just because that's what communists do-"

Ivan turned the volume louder.

"And I won't be able to bring any girls over because they're all going to think I like hairy, gross Russian dudes. And even if I do manage to bag a girl you'll probably scare them away by being all drunk and try to take her moose hunting or something stupid and **uuuugggghhh**." Alfred groaned loudly while smacking his head against the wall, "Why isn't the coffee dude here yet to take our orders-"

"I don't know, maybe you scared him away with your _constant bitching_ Amerika." Alfred looked over at Russia, who gave him a cool look. They both sat in silence before the TV blared the questioning part of the interview.

"Sir! Elliot Tom,Times magazine. So is this marriage, if I may call it that, really a political step, or is America and the Russian Federation actually doing this for personal reasons and thus have to cover it up with political ones."

Alfred cried loudly, his body slumping down the wall until only his head leaned against it. Russia let out a long breath before standing and taking his coat jacket off. He then walked quickly over to America, who looked up at him sadly.

"What?"

"I'm going to smother you. After much deliberation, I have decided that I would rather deal with the repercussions of your murder than listen to you complain any longer." Alfred stared blankly at the larger nation before nodding and sitting up slightly.

"Right, ok then. Sure you don't want to just shoot me?"

"Nyet. This is cleaner…and a lot more satisfying."

"Fair enough." America then grabbed Russia's hands and guided them to place the jacket on his face. He then held the hands there as a final 'go ahead' before Ivan began to push down on the others face.

At first nothing happened and they stayed in that awkward position.

After a moment though Russia pushed down harder on the coat. At first Alfred held the others hands, but after a minute his hands began to twitch. First his fingers, then his hands, before even his arms began to shake. Russia pushed down harder, his whole weight pressing the fine fabric down. Alfred's hands grabbed the others arms, pulling and pushing, his legs twitching and spazing underneath the tall nations. America punched vainly at Russia, his legs attempting to kick the other off. However Russia just smiled, his own body shaking slightly with the joy of the kill.

Meanwhile, all Alfred was thinking about was air.

And how there wasn't a satisfying conclusion to Lost.

_I mean really guys, Shepard?_

Just then a loud scream was heard. Russia looked over at the doorway where a woman stood, her hands covering her mouth in surprise as she screamed once more. He looked down at his hands –and the current situation- before looking back up at her and smiling sweetly.

"Do not worry~! We are just playing! This is what we do in my home country." Alfred lifted his hands into the air.

"Less talky, more killy." He mumbled underneath the fabric. The woman then ran out of the room, another cry escaping her lips. Ivan sighed and scratched his head.

"It is her own fault for not knocking." Alfred pulled the coat off of his very red face and put it under his head, punching it a few times to make a very pathetic pillow.

Russia blinked at him.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm gonna take a nap dude. Wake me when our bosses come in ok?" Ivan frowned.

"But I didn't get to kill you."

"All in due time dude. For now, let's just sleep." The frown then turned into one of his trademark smiles.

"But Amerika…you are using my jacket as a pillow."

"Ok, seriously, do you want me to bitch about this? Or do you want me to shut the hell up and sleep?" Ivan pouted before sighing.

"Fine. But you owe me." He mumbled while standing up.

"It's cool. I'll let you shoot my legs out some time k? Cool. Night dude."

Ivan looked up at the television and sighed.

"Yes, sleep well….we will need it."

It took a few more hours before the TV went back to its regular programs, the questioning session now over and done with. Russia was sitting on the ground, his torso laying against his outstretched legs.

He did like to stretch when he felt under stress.

That or inflict pain and fear in others.

But since America was asleep, Ivan had to settle for the former of the two.

The glass door slid open just as the Russian had begun to sit up, the two leaders letting themselves in. Their faces were tired and they seemed to hold themselves up only by will alone. The American president rubbed his eyes, a small sigh escaping his lips.

"That could have gone better."

"Ah~ So are we done now? Can I go home?" Ivan asked as he trotted over to his boss, and excited expression on his face, "I would really like to leave this room now. America keeps snoring and it is driving me…ah, as you would say in English…"

"Insane?" Obama prompted. Ivan chuckled.

"Yes, making me want to strangle him."

"From what we heard, you already tried that once today." Ivan pouted at his boss.

"It was only a little bit."

"We have more things to worry about Russia, bigger things." The American president sighed as he walked towards his sleeping nation. Ivan scurried in front of him though before laughing light heartedly.

"No no! I insist, let me wake him! He even told me to!" Obama gave Ivan an odd look before taking a step back, allowing the tall nation to bend down to the shorter one. At first Ivan poked Alfred a few times, small coos coming from his mouth.

After this failed, he shrugged and gently picked up the sleeping nation, a sweet smile on his face. The US leader smiled.

"Well thank you Russia. It's nice to see you two can get along." Russia giggled and nodded his head. His own leader gave him a cold glare though, his face darkening.

"Rus, put him down."

"Don't worry! Why do you look like that? I only have the purest of intentions! Just look at him, like a sleeping babe." Alfred snorted in his sleep and Ivan sighed happily, "Ah~ to be young again!"

"Ivan, I mean it."

"Alright, ok, do not worry, see? I am putting him down." Russia then placed Alfred on the floor, a sweet smile still on his face as he gave a small giggle.

He then slammed his heel into the other's stomach.

Alfred screamed.

The two humans screamed.

Ivan laughed.

"**AWGH! GOD DAMN IT!**" America screamed as he spat up blood. Obama rushed to his side and held onto Alfred, a look of horror on his face as he turned to Ivan.

"Are you insane?" Ivan held his index finger just above his thumb.

"A little."

"Ivan! What did I tell you about curb stomping other nations?" Russia shrugged though, his face beginning to bury itself in his scarf.

"It technically was not a curb stomp-"

"Oh man…I think Ohio even felt that." America groaned as he tried to sit up, his hands latched onto his stomach. His leader rubbed his back slowly.

"Are you ok? Is everything alright?"

"Yah, sure," Alfred spat up a bit more blood, "Peachy keen. Pleased as punch. I'm about to be forced to live with a godless maniac. Everything's awesome."

Russia nuzzled his own face into his scarf, a satisfying sigh escaping his lips.

"Oh, do not be such a baby Amerika. I am sure the secret service has found some evidence by now." Both leaders looked at each other nervously while Alfred smiled.

"Aw yah, totally!"

"Yes about that.." Putin began as he pulled out a portfolio. Alfred jumped up, his injury seemingly healed as he scurried over to the Russian leader, his eyes glittering with hope.

"Awesome. Test results back? It has been like, almost four days dude. Ooohhhh- this is gonna be so badass-"

"Now hold your horses Alfred-"

"Aw I can't wait! This is so exciting!"

"America please calm down-"

"I just wana see the-"

"There's nothing." Both nations stared blankly at the Russian leader, who gave them a cool look back. His lips twisted into a frown as he pulled out only a few pieces of paper from the envelope.

Each paper had only a few paragraphs.

No results.

No evidence.

"We have the best people on the job, from both of our countries. There is nothing on the documents. No fingerprints other than our own. No DNA other than our own. No third party information was found."

Alfred laughed nervously.

"But…like…what about where it was printed or…or the ink or…or the seal-"

"Nothing. The paper and ink are such you can get from any supply store. There is nothing out of the ordinary. Even the wax for the seal seems to be that which you can buy from a specialty store. Everything they used was so common and vague that we can't get a handle on it. We can't determine which country it came from. We can't determine if their even from the East or West. There is nothing-"

"Bu-but there has to-"

"Nothing America. Whoever did this, they know what the hell they're doing." The room went silent. Russia cleared his throat lightly.

"What now?" He asked. The US leader shrugged.

"We have to honor it. All of it."

"And if they send another document?"

"Then we hope they screw up next time. Until then though, we have to do this. And standing around talking about it is wasting time. The sooner we make this whole thing official, the sooner we get the ceremony over with, the sooner we can try to make the best out of this situation," The president then turned to his young nation, who pouted at him, "Alfred, I need you to get you military uniform. The day after tomorrow, the union will be official."

And that's when America began to cry.


	5. The gang

Some more swearing in this. Sorry.

Some of you asked what the whole 'Eiffel tower' thing was about. It's a sexual position. All I'm saying. It's because my friend once drew it and I was like 'what are those stick people doing?' and then he explained and I was just horrified for the rest of the day.

I don't own Hetalia

/

"You know Alfred, I know we aren't the closest of people; lord knows that after you decided to be a little prick we haven't spoken that much-"

"Arthur…"

"But honestly lad, I thought we were close enough to discuss such things like unions before you went off and decided to make one of your own!"

"Arthur it's not like that-"

"Oh I believe it damn well is like that! And forming a union with-with Russia? What is _wrong_ with you? I thought I raised you better than to-to…to get married to absolute psychopaths!" America moaned slightly as he rested his head against the plastic table. Children screamed happily in the background while mothers tried to calm them down. In front of Alfred's face were three quarter pounders and a Big Mac, along with two McFlurries and a large coke.

But he didn't feel like eating.

Something was horribly wrong with his body.

Meanwhile, Arthur continued to bitch in the background.

"I can't even imagine what on earth made you think this was a good idea. And to then announce it to the press? Are you daff? You could have at least called me up boy! What do you think I'm here for-"

"You're not my mom Arthur-"

"Well I might as well be! I remember when you were just a little boy, before you became a bloody…bloody git!"

"uh…shut up…please…"

"I remember when you used to call me up with all sorts of inane problems- not that you even know what that word _means_- and you would just complain for hours and I would have to always calm you down. But not now! Oh no, America is just too big for his brother Britain eh? Can't even tell him that he's getting married eh? Let me find out from the bloody _press_ who knock on my doors at a godless hour in order to interview me. Well thanks a lot you good for nothing brat. Thanks for nothing-"

"Oh gawd Arthur…I am too tired for one of your lectures."

"You're tired? You're too bloody tired? **YOU **haven't been up since yesterday morning in order to catch the next flight here! And **you **didn't have to search almost everywhere in order to find out where they were keeping you! And now I'm treating you to your disgusting filth of food and you want to get snippy with me? Well FINE, just FINE by me-"

"Oh lord make is _stop please_-"

"Need anything else sir?" Both countries looked up from their table to an incredibly tall clown, a bored look on his face as he stared down at Alfred's food, "Normally you're inhaling the stuff bro. What's eatin you?"

"Oh Kevin, you don't even know-"

"Um, I'm sorry, but who the hell are you?" The clown looked to Arthur and gave a small shrug.

"Who do I look like to you?"

"Something out of my nightmares-"

"He's supposed to be Ronald McDonald bro. GAWD Arthur, you've learned NOTHING-"

"Oh well _excuse me_ for not recognising a clown." Alfred nuzzled his face further into the sticky, cold table, his glasses gently pushing away from his face. With sad eyes he looked up at his friend, a pout on his own face.

"Kevin, I'm sad."

"And why's that brother?"

"I'm getting married." Kevin blinked slowly.

"Oh…to who?"

"Do you want the news Kevin?"

"You know I don't have a TV." Alfred sighed.

"I'm getting married to Russia." Kevin scrunched up his clown face.

"Sir, I mean this in the most respectable way…but that's really gay." Tears welled up in America's eyes.

"I know."

"Oh for the love of god. Alfred, man up and stop sulking around like a child. You're the one who decided to sign the union agreement, so now you have to deal with the consequences."

Kevin sat down beside America, who shuffled over slightly, his cheek sliding against the table.

"First of all sir, you shouldn't put your face on the table…I don't remember when we last cleaned it," Alfred looked up at his citizen sadly, "Second of all, because it's a union of two political countries, the laws state that sexual relations are not only unnecessary but at times frowned upon due to the complications they can create between the two personifications." America sniffed slightly, his hand reaching for some French fries.

"But the ladies aren't going to like me anymore."

"Well that's not true sir. I'm sure plenty of women will still like you. Besides, studies have shown that many women are more sexually attracted to men who are homosexuals. So even though you aren't a homosexual- and in fact have no sexuality because you are a country and history has taught us that sexuality is only for species that can reproduce, not for the personification of countries- the ladies will still find you very attractive." America sat up slowly, his hand now shoving any food within his grasp into his mouth.

"rwerly? Oo shink sho?"

"Sure do sir. In fact I bet more women will fancy you because you will now not only be representing the United States, but also partially be representing the Russian Federation in some aspects. And polls have shown us that most citizens are the most attracted to their own personified countries rather than others. Therefore, you can also meet a lot of neat Russian women." America smiled brightly as he finished up his coke.

"Hey, you're right Kevin! This is actually turning out to be kind of awesome!"

"Um, I hate to interrupt," The Americans then turned to the British gentleman, who gave them a very confused and slightly angry look, "But why is a bloody clown giving you advice on your situation America?"

"Oh…Kevin's majoring in political science." Arthur glared at him.

"Oh, well that must make you an expert then. Tell me, why is it that a person who is studying politics doesn't even own a television? Or, in that matter, read the news."

"I don't know, why is the United Kingdom, who is seen as a father figure to the United States throughout history, always seeming to beg for America's attention and approval." Arthur gave a shocked look before narrowing his eyes.

"Don't you take that tone with me young man."

"Or what? You'll hit me? You can't hit a clown. There are children around. I'll sue you."

Arthur scoffed.

"You can't sue me! I'm a nation!"

"Actually he can," Britain glared at America, who shoved more ice cream into his mouth, "My laws state that if another country, outside of war times, conflicts pain upon one of my citizens, without good reason, can be sued by that civilian."

Arthur stood up quickly and grabbed his bag.

"I'm leaving." He snarled, his feet quickly taking him to the door. Alfred gave a deep sigh.

"Thank god, finally-"

"And don't think I didn't hear that! Remember that I'm staying at your house mister, so you're sure to get an EARFUL when you get home!" The angry nation then slammed the door behind him, the restaurant becoming silent as they watched after the man. Alfred moaned and sucked on his spoon. Kevin looked back to his nation.

"Are you sure you're not married to that guy?"

"Sometimes I feel like I am."

"…Want another milkshake?"

"Do you even have to ask?"

America then proceeded to stay at the local McDonald's for another five hours. He talked with Kevin, then with the other employees (even going as far as to hang around in their break room and challenging anyone who came in to a game of rock paper scissors). He played with the kids in the ball pit, and even taught a little girl how to juggle.

Overall it was a good night, so by the time he got home he was feeling a lot better (save for the stickiness in his hair. Things got a bit out of hand with the kids and one boys poured soda in his hair. Alfred didn't mind so much, but the mother almost had a heart attack and thought the FBI might take her son out or something).

By the time Alfred pulled out his keys to his house he was quite tired, his body just wanting to jump into bed and get this day over with.

However, it seemed that someone, somewhere really hated him, because instead of opening his door and then going straight to bed, America opened his door to find Russia staring right back at him.

Alfred whined.

"Aw dude are you for reals? I thought you weren't moving in until _after _the ceremony." Ivan shook his head.

"I did not wish to be here so soon- your house smells terribly- but both of my leaders thought it would be best if I stayed here…along with your other family members." America peered around Ivan, only to see Britain standing in the hallway…with a scotch in his hand. Alfred groaned.

"Aw dude, why did you give Arthur alcohol? He's a total lightweight." Russia let out a small whine from the back of his throat, his face turning into a boyish pout.

"He wouldn't shut up. It was the only thing I could think of."

"Whatever dude. But if he chucks then you have to clean it up." America grumbled, pushing his way past the larger nation. Russia whined once more.

"But I don't even know what 'chuck' means-"

"Oh, you'll find out-"

"Oi! There you are! Nice of you to show up to your own bloody house Alfred."

"Hi mom. I see you let yourself into my liquor cabinet."

"Well since you weren't here, your boyfriend-"

"He's not my boyfriend-"

"Got it for me. I would have gotten it myself but you seem to move it every time I visit."

"That's because I'm tired of you getting drunk off your ass and convincing me to go on panty raids-"

"Did someone say panties?" Another blond nations poked his head out from the kitchen, a coy smile on his face as he looked America up and down, "You know my dear, I am up to anything-"

"Who the hell invited France?"

"Well at least we agree on _something_ Alfred." America scowled, his brain throbbing as he turned back to Arthur.

"No, no seriously. Who the hell invited France into my house-"

"Oh Amerique, why are you so cold towards your dear papa? Sounds like someone needs to be warmed up-"

"Haha no seriously don't touch me."

Britain sniffed slightly, his finger rubbing away a single tear from his eyes.

"It's nice to see you did inherit some of my traits lad."

"Arthur, I think most people don't want France touching them so-NO seriously France QUIT IT!" France took a step back from Alfred, his hands up in the air defensively. He chuckled softly and looked to Russia.

"You certainly are getting a handful Rus." Russia walked up to the three, a creepy smile on his face.

_Oh good, it seems Russia is back to his usual creepy self. Good._

"Yes, it seems so. I guess I will have to discipline him more." France laughed happily before reaching up to Russia to whisper in his ear. Both nations then giggled.

"France! You know I can't do that, it's illegal in both our countries."

"Oh good, now with France Russia's creepiness has evolved from violent to slightly sexual. Wonderful." Russia gave a boyish blush and giggled.

"It wasn't anything like that-"

"Oh but it was mon cher. Besides Alfred, you will have to know anyway. Soon you will be married. In fact, I can give you some tips-"

"No. No tips. Stop talking-"

"You know that Rus and I were actually married for a while right? Well, we didn't have a _union_ like the two of you have, but it was a personal marriage. Oh it really was romantic, especially our wedding night." Russia squealed.

Yes.

He _squealed_.

"France stop it you're embarrassing me!" They both continued to giggle and laugh, then breaking off to into French. Alfred stared blankly at the situation before turning to Britain, who looked incredibly disgusted. The older nation then turned to the younger one, his face still a look of disgust.

"I just had the most horrible mental image."

"Of what?" Arthur raised his giant eyebrows before looking at Russia and France, then back at America.

Alfred looked at Russia and France. France was holding onto Russia's scarf while the other continued to giggle like a girl, words breaking through his laughter.

He then looked back at Arthur.

Then France and Russia.

Then Arthur.

Then the others…

Wait for it….

Something turned…then moved…then began to click in his brain.

France…

And Russia…

Giggling…

France and Russia…

Marriage…

Personal marriage and…

And FRANCE and…

And….

Alfred's hand shot out to Arthur's, and before America knew it he had downed the other's scotch. His brain just halting at the very edge of the most dangerous, disturbing thought in his entire life.

Thank god for alcohol.

"Ok I have an idea," Russia and France looked to America, "So since like, my family members are here, how about we get _your _family over her Ruskie?" Russia's face paled as his back straightened.

"Um. No. That is fine Amerika."

"No no! No dude I insist! If you're going to invite my mom and the world pervert over to my house, then I think I have the right to call over your psychopathic sisters. I'm sure Ukraine would just _love_ to tell us all about how _happy_ she is for you. And I'm sure Belarus would love to have a talk with you-"

"B-but I did not invite these two over! They showed up I swear!"

"No no, really dude! I mean, they probably already know right? So why not just invite them for a visit?" Alfred pulled out his cell phone as Russia let a cry escape his lips.

"No! No please don't! Especially not Bela! Please!"

"Does she even know? Or like-"

"Please! The secret service has been holding her back but if you invite her over then she has the legal right to-"

"Yah TOTALLY inviting her. In fact, I think I'm gonna add her to my speed dial bro-"

Russia tried to grab for the phone, but Alfred moved it away, causing the other to stumble. He tried once more, but America continued to hold it out of the others reach.

"Please! Please Amerika I won't do anything bad just _don't _ call her! You don't know what she'll do!"

"Dude, what she will do to me will be totally worth it to see what she'll do to _you_ for not telling her yourself about this-"

"PLEASE! PLEASE DON'T PLEASE I'LL DO ANYTHING!"

"Anything you say? Oh-hohohoho-"

"Shut up you frog! This is serious!"

"Amerika please I'm begging you- I'll…I'll-ah!" Russia then laughed nervously as he grabbed France and Britain. The former making an incredibly dirty joke while the UK just cried out angrily, "Look! We are leaving! Everything is fine! No need to call sistra! See? We are leaving bye!"

And with that they were gone, the large nation surprisingly fast for his size, and the fact that he was carrying two other countries with him.

America stared at the door which stood open, the house now incredibly silent. He continued to stare at the emptiness before letting out a snort and closing his phone.

"Tool. I don't even have his sister's cell number." He then walked into the kitchen, his chest slightly puffed out with pride of how awesome and smart he was. He sat down at the counter, his smile going from ear to ear, "I didn't think that would work. What a moron. Dude and they call me an idiot." He looked over at the stove, where various pots and pans sat out. Inside a pot something cooked, and from the smell of it it was France's cooking (thank god). Alfred was about to get up again to take a look when something under him caught his eyes. He looked down and low and behold, before him was a plate filled with crepes. His mouth drooled as he picked up the knife and fork beside him and began to chow down, only having seconds to appreciate the taste.

He tore into the fluffy crepes, only now and again looking up at the pot. It was something with beef…good beef too.

Down to the food.

Back up…and…crème of mushroom?

Down to food.

And back up, his mirror reflection smiled at him.

Alfred stopped eating. His reflection did too.

He gaped at the image before reaching out to the mirror to poke it in the eye. His reflection cried out.

"Oh…sorry me-"

"Alfred you idiot it's me! Your brother!"

"Who?"

"Canada!"

America thought for a second before his memory came back to him.

"Oh, sorry about that bro. I thought someone had installed a mirror in my kitchen-"

"**ugh**, god that **stings**!"

"Well you shouldn't have popped out of nowhere."

"I've been here the entire time!"

"Oh." The Canadian held his eye and whimpered slightly.

"I was helping France cook until you came home and then…well yah."

"Oh, so you were here for _that_." Matthew smiled up at his brother, his right hand still holding onto his right eye, his left handing holding his glasses.

"Oui. That was rather clever of you."

"I know right?"

"And to be honest I am a bit happy that you stopped Russia and France from going on." Alfred tilted his head.

"What? Oh, you mean when they were giggling and speaking French?"

"Yes."

"What…did you understand what they were saying?"

Matthew went pale.

"Yes. Every word."

"Oh….were they talking about me?"

His body shivered.

"Y…yes."

"What were they saying?"

Matthew gave a small sigh and rubbed his arms.

"Al, you're my twin…so, you know I love you right?"

"Yah."

"Well that's why I'm not going to tell you what they were saying."

"Oh…" There was an awkward silence before Alfred snorted, "lolz…you love a dude."

Matthew glared at him.

"At least I'm not marrying a dude." Alfred stared at his brother, then went back to eating his crepes.

"Hey Canada?"

"What?"

"You got something on your hand."

"Oh?" Matthew held his hand up to his face, before America slapped it, causing Matthew to break his own nose. He cried out, holding his face in a vain attempt to stop the bleeding. Tears ran down his face. "You are such an **asshole!**"

"Haha! Another score for America!"

/

Ok, where to begin…

You might think that, if you squinted you could see from America/UK in there. That wasn't really intentional, I personally see the two as a 'father son' relationship. But they are both rather complicated towards one another so I guess…I don't know. The main point is, in this fanfiction they aren't wanting to bag one another.

France and Russia being married- This was a reference to Russia during the time of Peter the Great and Catherin the Great. Russia was obsessed (to the max) with France and France thought he was kind of cool too. That's why they had a 'personal' marriage before, though the two countries didn't sign a union binding the two together.


	6. For whom the bell tolls

Blaaahhhh. My thesis for my Russian history class sucks but I have no time to fix it. Blaaarrrgg.

I don't own Hetalia. Sorry for the swearing. Let me know if you find it funny or not, ok?

/

Alfred stared into the mirror-

And this time it actually was a mirror, not his twin brother-

And gave the longest sigh in his life.

So this was how his life ended was it? Not in a war of epicosity. Not saving some hot chick's life. Not even being murdered by Britain in his sleep.

No. He was going to get married. And that was that.

His forehead gently tapped against the mirror, its cool surface helping his growing headache.

Ever since he made the announcement his head just wouldn't calm down. It kept spinning with fear and anger and questions-

Endless questions, questions that couldn't be answered.

A small moan escaped his lips.

So this was how it ended?

So this was it.

"Sir, it's going to be alright. It's probably just cold feet is all. Everyone gets it before they get married."

He banged his head against the glass, this time harder.

And the worst part was that he couldn't even talk to his citizens straight about it. He just had to keep lying.

"Yah, I guess-"

"I mean, in the end you did agree to go through with this sir, so-"

"Cal, would you mind if we just don't talk about this right now?" The young man gave a quick nod before looking away in embarrassment.

"Right. Sorry. Um, what do you want to talk about?"

Alfred sighed slightly, his eyes shutting themselves as he tried to go back to happier times.

His first ice cream

First pack of gum

Camping with Canada

Horseback riding

Watching England sail in

Waking up to Vietnam

"Who's coming to the reception?" The other didn't respond for a moment, but from the sound of papers Alfred guessed he was looking it up.

"Um, quite a few countries are able to come, even on such short notice. Anyone in particular you want to know about sir?"

Black hair, brown eyes…

Green dress-

"No…not really."

"Most of Europe is coming. And of course the Slavic countries…both of Russia's sisters are attending-"

Alfred's eyes shot open.

"Belarus? Is Belarus coming?"

"Yes." Both men turned to the large man in the doorway. His military uniform crumpled slightly while a thin stream of blood ran down his face. America raised his eyebrow while his citizen gasped.

"What happened to you?"

"Belarus. She is here. She…found me."

"Dude, I thought you banned her from coming near you-"

"That was before we invited her to the party. You gave her permission to come into your country. And so, she found me." The agent took a step closer to inspect the wound.

"What did she do? Stab your face?"

"Yah, what did she do Braginski? More sexual harassment?" Alfred snorted. Ivan frowned.

"I can not help it if I look good in a suit. And yes, she did try to…well…that is behind us now."

"So where is she?"

"Her agents took her away. She will be in the crowd during the ceremony." Alfred moaned and slammed his face into the mirror, causing it to crack slightly.

"Good, good! Just what I wanted to hear! So now I **also** have to be worried about your psycho sister stabbing me during the ceremony. Wonderful."

Ivan huffed.

"She is not psycho-"

"She's been trying to sex you up for like, the past 200 years man!"

"She is just…she is just…_eccentric_."

"Is that what they call it?"

"Do not insult my family."

"Dude, I don't need to. The actions speak for themselves-"

"I think I should go." Both nations looked back to the civilian who held tightly onto his notebook. Ivan shrugged.

"Fine. But before you do, tell me, is France coming to the reception?" America rolled his eyes.

"Of course he is-"

"Well I just wanted to know what he was wearing." The younger nation turned around, his focus turning into a glare.

"Who cares? Why do you care? It doesn't matter-"

"That man looks damn good in a suit." Both turned again to the American agent, who smiled shyly at Russia, "Just…sayin."

"Well thank you. That is why I was wondering you see. A suit always looks best on him."

"I know. And if he has a blue tie it just-"

"Oh blue defiantly suits him best-"

"Um, excuse me queer eye, but I'm about to make the worst decision of my life and you two are talking about how good my dad's enemy looks in a suit?" Alfred then pointed at the agent, "Besides Cal, I know for a fact that you're straight AND have a girlfriend-"

"Sir, nobody is that straight….nobody." America glared at him before grinding his teeth.

"Get out."

"But-"

"_GET OUT!_"

"Fine, sheesh…dramatic much." The agent then slipped out of the room, leaving only Russia and America inside. Russia raised his eyebrows but Alfred just looked back at the now cracked mirror, pretending not to notice.

"You seem high strung little rabbit."

"Good. We've moved onto cute nicknames now? Good," The American slid his forehead against the glass, the crack cutting him, "Maybe I'll call you 'my little douchbag' or something. Kind of like my little pony but, more douch, less cuddly ponies-"

"I can be cuddly-"

"Oh god here we go."

"Amerika, you need to calm down," Alfred inhaled sharply, "And fix your suit. You look like you walked out of the gutter."

_Go to your happy place go to your happy place go to your happy place go to your happy place_

"And you smell horribly. What is that cologne you are wearing? Chinese hooker? It may be fitting for you, however now is not the time for that."

_Happy place happy place happy place happy place happy place happy place happy place happy place_

Ivan sighed happily as he looked around the room. "It is nice that they gave you this room, it is so big! Even though you have no need for such a big room. I guess you got a large one so as to stroke your giant ego and make yourself feel better than you actually are." The man then crossed his arms, a chuckle escaping his lips, "Though, I guess I should not use such big words. You might not understand the psychology of it. Here, I will try to speak in _American _for you." Ivan cleared his throat, "You are stupid. And you have a small pen-"

"**OK SERIOULSY?**" The room shook as Alfred clutched to the desk, his eyes straining themselves, his breath heavy, "What is _WRONG_ with you? Even now? Even NOW you want to play games? Do you have _any idea_ what is happening? This isn't FUN anymore Ivan!" The young nation spun around, "I'm about to throw my life away! _WE'RE _about to throw our lives away! There's no out! There's no game plan! Everything I wanted to do? DONE! So what if I wanted to have some fun? So what if I wanted to enjoy my life? So what if the first nation I wanted to marry I wanted to _actually care_ about them! So _WHAT?_ It means NOTHING now huh?"

And it was just so stupid because his fists hurt and his arms hurt and his eyes stung from the water that just seemed to keep

building and building and building-

"Why can't I make a decision on this? Why can't I say _no_ to this! This isn't **fair**! None of this is fair! What about my life? What about what _I _want? Don't I get a say in who I'm with? **Don't I get to choose?**"

"No."

Hot streams trickled down his face. He couldn't stop sniffing.

Ivan gave him a cold look.

No compassion.

"You do not own you. You do not own anything. It is important to learn that now Jones. You do not own your life, they do. You are a slave. And you will never get to choose." The older reached inside his jacket and pulled out a small handkerchief, "Now clean yourself up and go dance for your people."

"You are such an ass."

"I know." He then threw the fabric at Alfred's face, causing the other to hiccup in surprise, "And wipe those tears away. Don't show them your weakness. It'll only make them happy."

And with that he was gone, the tall man quickly making his way out of the room. Alfred clenched and unclenched his fists, his eyes stinging from anger-

And humiliation.

_That's the second time Ivan's seen me cry._

"Sir. It's time."

America wiped his eyes before he looked up to Johnson, a sad smile on the other's face. He looked like he was about to speak, but his nation cut him off.

"Don't even say it man. I really don't want your friggin pity right now." The man nodded and stood by the door.

America took one last look in the mirror. He looked worse now. Even in his white navy uniform, his neat and tidy buttons, he couldn't hide his look of utter despair.

Disappointment.

If anything he just looked like a scared little boy.

Alfred glared at his reflection, the soft fabric in his hand crushing under his anger. He looked down at it and as he did his anger flared once more.

Pity. That's all he ever got.

Never any respect.

His fist collided with the glass, the surface shattering under the enormous pressure. Little pieces flew this way and that, scattering themselves amongst the floor.

He threw the handkerchief down and spat with a snarl.

"We'll see who's crying. We'll see."

"Sir?"

"Shut up Johnson."

And with that he left.

And it was all a blur.

A painful, dragged out blur.

Camera's flashing. Both ambassadors giving their speeches. The two presidents adding their own opinion on the matter before signing this document and that document and loads upon loads of documents.

And when it came time for the union bands, Alfred's hands couldn't stop shaking. Russia had to use both of his to hold the others hand still so he could shove the stupid thing on. And when America held it up to his face it just didn't look right. His pinky finger twitched from the new weight.

His heart ached from the new weight.

Russia didn't say anything, and neither did Alfred, which was for the better.

This was business after all.

Even as Belarus screamed and cried in the background, America just tried to go to a happy place.

Somewhere warm.

A little humid.

In the end they were asked if they wanted to kiss or shake hands. Both agreed to neither.

The reception was pretty big. Normally such a large place couldn't be booked on such short notice, however it was for the 'biggest after party of the year', so a surprising amount of venues had volunteered for the job. In the end it was decided upon in Boston (much to Britain's dismay).

Alfred stared out the window to the harbor as the noise of the party blared in the background.

At least there was an open bar.

"I thought you would at least be a little happy." America took a quick glance at his twin before looking once more out the window, "I mean, you did agree to this Al. It's not like someone forced you into this."

"Yah well…let's just say I have a lot to think about now." Alfred twirled the ring on his smallest finger.

It still didn't feel right.

"Well, you got a flashy ring…so that's nice."

"Yah. Nice."

"…You're kind of a wet blanket right now."

"Whatever."

"I mean, this party is for you Al. Normally you love being in the spot light." Alfred leaned against the window.

"I'm just tired is all."

"Want to dance?"

"Not with you."

"Not what I meant…and you are still being kind of an asshole." America shrugged. Matthew sighed and apologized before wandering off, giving up on the conversation.

Nations of all sorts made their way across the room, each one stopping by to congratulate America. Alfred gave them a plastered smile, told them to enjoy, then shooed them away (most not even needing permission to get away from him).

"I thought I would find you by the gift table, shaking the different boxes like a boy on Christmas day." Alfred pulled off his glasses to clean them, not looking up at the tall man.

"Not really in the mood dude." Ivan held a box close to his own ear and shook it happily.

"This one is from Poland. To be honest, I do not trust what he got us. He does still hate me a little," He shook it once more, "It sounds like a blender."

Alfred turned around to watch the different people mingling and dancing. The lights were low.

Good.

"I'm not even going to ask, because I know that's what you want," He then looked at the table near the far end of the room with various gifts and presents on top, "And why are people buying us presents? This isn't a human wedding."

Ivan stopped shaking the box and placed it on a nearby table.

"They are trying to bribe us," Alfred looked back up to the nation in confusion, "We are two fairly powerful countries America. I believe it is safe to assume that no one wants to get on our bad side. And so, we have presents!" Ivan added the last part gleefully, pulling another gift out from behind his uniform. "I wonder what this one could be? It is from Hungary."

America snatched the small parcel away from Russia and gave it a quick one over.

It was soft inside. Not too big.

"Probably socks." Ivan scoffed and snatched the gift back.

"Nyet. Socks are not her style. She lived in my home for some time…I believe it would be more along the lines of…hmm…" The nation quickly looked around the room before tearing the present open. Alfred watched (in mild amusement) as the other pulled out the gift from its wrappings.

Both stared dumbly at it.

Ivan tilted his head.

"What in the world would we need woman's underwear for?" Alfred scratched his chin.

"Maybe…maybe she wants us to hire a hooker."

"But hookers come with their own underwear. And why only one? Does she want us to share said hooker?" Both nations wrinkled their noses in disgust.

"Ew, dude, I ain't sharin something like that with you."

Ivan played with the clothing a little before gasping. America rolled his eyes.

"Ohhh~"

"Oh what?" Ivan shoved the thing towards America.

"I believe it is for you." The younger nation glared.

"Har har."

"I am very serious." Alfred crossed his arms.

"Why the hell would she buy me woman's underwear?"

"To wear-"

"That's gross."

"Yes it is. I think she is implying I should sleep with you…while you are cross dressing." Alfred gagged.

"What is wrong with her?"

"I told you she was…never mind." Ivan tossed the present quickly into a nearby garbage can, "We have no need for that. Besides, you would make a very ugly woman." America moaned.

"I'm going to need more alcohol." Russia smiled.

"Oh, I'm already drunk."

"Really? I can't tell."

"But it is true."

"What, did you try to molest Lithuania again?"

"Nyet-"

"That's good-"

"China."

"Oh…how'd it go?"

"He broke my hand."

"Figures."

"And there he is! The man of d-thee hour!" Alfred didn't need to look to know it was England that had just grabbed him.

"Hi mom, drunk again? Is it noon already?"

"Aw-aw you alwayz were a little…just a little prick at times. But now look at you! Just look at you!" England pulled him into what was supposed to be a man hug, but which felt more like a deaf, dumb and blind chick trying to make a pass at Alfred (and it smelled like scotch too).

"Arthur, I think you're forgetting who this is-"

"No I am not! It's my boy! My favourite! Just- shhhh- don't tell your brothers. They'll be PISSED if they- they found out."

"We can hear you, asshole!" Australia yelled in the background. England laughed.

"They'll never know."

"I need to cut you off. You are way to drunk. And I am so not in the mood for you to go around embarrassing me like some-"

"And there he is! There he is! My son in law! You!" England grabbed a hold of Russia, who was intimidating the hell out of Latvia.

"Da?"

"You! You know what you are? P-part of the family now. Even t-though I, I _hate_ you so much, you are part of me-my family. So welcome. Tak-take good care of him. He's just a boy." England began to sniff as he wiped his eyes, "But he m-means well! Even if he do-does screw up all the time! And speak Spanish!"

"You suck man."

"Bu-but you know, now that we are-we're man to man, here, come closer."

"Nyet, you smell like moth balls and ale-" England pulled Russian closer in order to whisper loudly in his ear.

"He's just a lad, you know? So don-don't expect him to know much in…in ah…in anything really. He's bloody stupid-"

"_Thanks _dad."

"In f-fact, you'll probably be more in debt be-before you know it. But he can be a g-good friend- rarely- but it happens. Also, he doesn't really know what h-he's doing in bed-"

"Oh like you'd know!"

"Well he's only ever s-slept with…about…2 people, so I think it's rea-reasonable to as..as…think that he is daft in that department too."

Alfred face palmed while Ivan chuckled.

"Nyet, no need to worry! We will not be doing that sort of thing." England gave him a very drunk, confused look.

"Wh- well why not? What? _What! _He isn't _good _enough for you!"

"England please _stop_-"

"Nyet. Is simple. No fat chicks."

Both western countries stared at Russia as he gave them a sweet smile. England took a breath in, coughed heavily, then look at Alfred.

"Well he's not that…um…" America frowned as Britain gave him a one over, "Well he's a little chubby but it's nothing too bad-"

"Are you for REALZ?"

"Still…is not attractive. So, my answer is no." England scratched the back of his head as he rolled his neck.

"But you _have_ to! Why else get married? Listen, I can cut you a good deal-"

"No, is not happening. I do not want the smelly American-"

"But just- shhh- just hear me out. Alright? You take America and I can also get you a nice room for about, let's say…roughly…2 grand."

"Nyet. Not good enough."

"Guys, I'm still right here."

"Well how about if I include two whole cases of vodka?"

"Nyet."

"And twenty coolers."

"No. Is not happening."

"Alright, alright. You get America, _five_ boxes of vodka, and Ohio." America waved at the two.

"England I'm _RIGHT HERE_." Ivan rubbed his chin.

"Ok. I am listening. But still, not as good as I was hoping. I mean, for two grand…not to mention I have my reputation-"

England downed his scotch (where he got it from who knows) and slammed it on the table.

"Alright, final offer! Five cases of vodka, Ohio, America _and_ I'll throw in Canada for free. So that's all of North America, some vodka, and you get to own a part of him too."

America threw up his hands and yelled in frustration. He then turned and quickly made his way to the bar. From behind him he could hear Russia laughing and calling to him.

Alfred stared angrily at the bar tender who gulped in surprise.

"Um, hello si-"

"Tequila. Now." The man quickly brought the bottle and a shot glass onto the counter, however, America just grabbed the bottle and screwed off the lid.

"Oh, what a big man we are." Alfred looked to his left to Mexico, who smiled sweetly at him, "I thought you would be out on the dance floor, knowing you."

"Baby, you know I'll be there soon as I'm done this drink." The other nation took a sip of her own drink.

"Well, just don't expect me to clean up the mess." America smiled at her.

"I won't. Wana dance after this?"

"And see you make a total fool of your drunk self, much like your father?" She uncrossed her legs, "How could I say no?"

"That's my girl." Alfred held out the bottle and took a deep breath. Around him, a few nations looked his way. North Italy even smiled and waved. Alfred nodded to him, "To…uh…freedom. And….me."

The other nations gave a hesitant nod before America placed the bottle to his lips.

The liquid was cool and hard and it burned while the world spun and moved and shined and danced and

Someone screamed before there was some pain and just

Laughter, endless laughter that found its way to

Warm skin and something eager before

Spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning and

It would certainly be the party of the year.

/

I hope that was ok. I hope it didn't suck too bad ;w;. Next chapter, they play paintball!


	7. Battlefield

I was rockin out to various tunes from the past while writing this. I hope you enjoy.

I don't own Hetalia.

/

He woke up with possibly the worst hangover known to man.

He didn't open his eyes. He didn't speak. He barley even breathed.

No, as soon as his brain threw him into consciousness all he felt was pain.

His legs hurt. His back hurt. His arms hurt. His fingers hurt. His nose hurt. His face hurt. His eyes hurt. His lips hurt. His _everything_ hurt.

"uuuggghhh."

Ok THAT hurt.

"Good morning." Alfred barley lifted up his hand in order to give the finger to whoever was shouting at him.

"mmmnnggg."

"It's four in the afternoon sir. It is time for you to get up."

"S…stop sh..shouting." America managed to whimper. The other reached down and stroked his hair.

"Sir, I'm whispering."

"Whisper quieter…and don't touch my hair. It hurts."

"Your hair hurts?"

"…..yes."

He tried to open his eyes, but as soon as he did the light from the heavens shot into his retinas like a bullet. Alfred covered his face and rolled over onto his back, his chest aching.

"Do you want coffee sir?"

"Yes…and…" Alfred managed to squint through his fingers at the unusual surroundings. "Where am I?"

"You're in the Boston Aquarium." America moaned.

"What the hell am I doing there?"

"You mean here?"

"mmm…brain hurts."

"Here sir. I already have some Starbucks for you. I also got you a hot chocolate in case you wanted that." With a grunt America agreed, and slowly he felt the other's hands aid him in sitting up. He leaned against what felt like a wall, though he couldn't be sure.

With his eyes still closed, he reached out for the coffee, quickly tilting it to his lips as soon as it came into his hands. After a minute he opened his mouth, awaiting the inevitable.

"What happened last night?"

"Where do you want me to start?"

Alfred took another sip from his coffee.

"I remember downing a bottle of Tequila…then dancing with Mexico…and from there it kind of blurs out," Alfred slowly opened his eyes (to a squint) and stared at the familiar man in sunglasses in front of him, "Johnson?"

"Yes sir?"

Alfred looked down at himself. He was shirtless, and the pants he had on…

"Whose pants am I wearing? And…why is my shoulder bleeding?"

"We tried to wake you up by any means necessary sir."

"So you shot me?"

Johnson shifted uncomfortably.

"I tried everything else. I even tazered you."

Another sip of the coffee.

"Well, now we know shooting also works."

"Actually no. I shot you three hours ago. After that didn't work we just decided to wait it out."

Alfred looked again at his bleeding shoulder and tried to move it, deciding this was a bad idea after a shot of pain ran up his neck. With a groan he rubbed his neck.

"Ok. So, after the bottle of tequila?"

Johnson pulled out his notebook and pushed up his sunglasses. He took a deep breath before beginning.

"Well, first you danced for about an hour. After that you high jacked the music system to perform karaoke with Japan and England-"

"What did I sing?"

Johnson flipped a few pages.

"I'd do anything for love by Meat loaf, Total eclipse of the heart by Bonnie Tyler-"

"Oh my god I love that song."

"Everyone does."

"Ok, karaoke, then what?"

Johnson flipped back to his original page.

"Well, then Japan challenged you to a knife throwing contest, which you lost-"

"Damn it."

"You preformed some more karaoke before you opened a few presents. After that you made out with Mexico in a stairwell-"

"Did I score?"

"No. In fact you decided to bring up the border situation with her for whatever reason, and things got a bit heated-"

"Aw yeah-"

"And that led to a knife fight-"

"UGH! Why does making out with her always lead to a knife fight."

"And while that was going on Spain came in and began threatening you for trying to stab Mexico. Then England came in and threatened him for threatening you, and before any of us knew it they were having a bar fight. So I had to break them up, in which I lost you for about an hour. Afterwards I found you outside losing a game of soccer to Kenya and India. Then Russia came outside and you told him he could never fill your shoes, so he literally tried to put your shoes on and-"

"And then we tried to switch clothes?"

"Yes."

"So he has my navy uniform on?"

"He couldn't really get it on. To be frank, he could only kind of get the jacket on."

"So we were standing outside, in downtown Boston, with Russia only wearing an American navel jacket and me in a baggy, Russian uniform."

"Yes."

"Awesome."

"Then the two of you began arguing who could impress Korea more. So you began literally destroying the building before you both became very emotional and started singing Total eclipse of the heart _again_-"

"Still love that song."

"And then you both began shooting at random."

"Oh." Alfred placed his coffee cup down and reached out for the hot chocolate. Johnson adjusted his sunglasses and closed his book, awaiting his nation's orders. America took a sip of the warm chocolate before wiping his bruised lips.

"Doesn't explain why I'm here Johnson."

"Well after that I lost you since, you know, you were trying to shoot me. We only found you once the employees of the Aquarium called the police saying there was a drunk, half naked man in the penguin exhibit."

Alfred looked behind him (which hurt like _hell_) to see the group of penguins, all happily waddling this way and that. He smiled.

"I love penguins."

"So it seems."

"Well…how did the party go overall?"

"Fairly well. We only had to formally apologize to Mexico and Finland." America reached out to Johnson, who helped him stand. He attempted to stand on his own, however his legs gave out, so he decided to just lean on his citizen.

"Did we send them a letter?"

"Yes. And an apologetic fruit basket."

"Good man." Johnson then pulled a shirt out of his briefcase, along with a pair of sunglasses.

"Now, sir I need you to put these on. The press is waiting outside and the president thinks it would be best if this doesn't look as bad as it does." Alfred wrinkled his nose (and tried not to puke on his friend).

"How are we explaining why I'm in an Aquarium."

"We're going to say you wanted to show Russia downtown Boston when you saw someone break into the Aquarium. You pursued the culprit and arrested him, though he did manage to shoot you in the neck." America gave a crooked smile.

"Can we say I also saved a girl?"

"No-"

"And that I totally tapped that-"

"No. Now please shut up and put these on."

And somehow the story did stick because on the car ride home it was all over the news.

America and Russia seal the deal. After party is said to be a hit.

America cracks down on aquarium terrorist only hours after the party.

Heroic nation shot in the neck.

So when they pulled into the driveway the nation had a huge grin on his face.

_Well, at least something good came from this._

Inside his house seemed unchanged.

Save for the half naked Russian man sitting at his counter.

Alfred moaned and rubbed his face.

"Johnson, why is there a half-naked Russian in my house?"

"Sir, he legally lives here now."

America moaned louder.

"This day _sucks_." Russia turned around and smiled, lifting up his shot glass.

"Good afternoon Amerika, or should I say, good morning?"

"Dude put a shirt on. You're scaring away all the chicks." Ivan laughed and stood, walking over to Alfred.

"Am I intimidating you? How cute," He then looked over the younger nations clothes, "Oh Alfred, I never knew you wanted to get into my pants so much."

Alfred's hand shot up to his mouth, holding back the bile running up his throat. Russia gave a sweet smile as he held his vodka up to the other's nose.

"Care for a drink dear?"

And with that America puked.

All over his nice new floor.

Johnson gave a surprised, disgusted noise as his nation proceeded to release his stomach contents all over the hard wood flooring.

Russia laughed and walked back to the counter.

"You need to learn to hold your liquor." Alfred lifted up his head and glared at Ivan.

"And you need to learn to stop being such an ass before I shoot you."

Johnson grumbled angrily as he helped Alfred sit down at the counter, afterwards going to clean up the mess. Russia turned to him and smiled.

"You should not threaten me, or you will end up with the fishes again." Alfred scoffed…kind of.

Ok it was more of a burp.

"First of all, I woke up with penguins. Second of all, how the hell do you know how I ended up there? You were drunk too." Ivan nodded and took a shot of the burning liquid. America fought to keep his stomach under control.

"Alcohol can get me drunk, but unlike you I do not black out. I just get a bit more…touchy."

"Gross. Good to know."

"So, did you have fun last night? I must admit, I expected our wedding night-"

"Don't use that phrase-"

"To take a different route. However, this was quite entertaining. Especially when you began shooting at people."

America rubbed his face. He felt crusty and gross and needed a shower.

"What did I just say? I said shut up or I will pop a cap in your a-"

"Yes. I am sure you will." Alfred glared.

"Seriously. Name the time and place dude."

"You can't be serious."

"Deadly." Russia giggled and poured himself another shot.

"Well, if you want to have a shootout then by all means, make a fool of yourself."

"Ok, listen you-"

"That sounds like a great idea." Both nations looked towards the door where their bosses stood. The American president smiled at his nation, "We need to show the public that we are on good relations-"

"And that this isn't a hoax." Putin chimed in. Russia chuckled softly.

"I am surprised that the two of you want us to publically shoot each other." His boss shook his head and walked in, taking a seat beside Russia.

"No, we were thinking paintball."

"Yes, since the two of you can't seem to go a few days without trying to murder each other, we thought this might be a good way to relieve the…tension." America gave a groggy smile, his head spinning.

But surprisingly, from good thoughts.

Feelings.

"Like, like a big paintball game?"

"Sure. Whatever you want Alfred-"

"And- oh! And we could have soldiers too!"

Russia clapped his hands and gave a giggle.

"We could play war!" Both presidents looked at each other before giving a hesitant smile.

"Sure…though that phrasing may not be best-"

"Dude this could be so sick!"

"Yes, we could have a big game tomorrow. Well, maybe the day after tomorrow…I would have to choose my soldiers-"

"Aw dude, we could totally have like, 50 on each side-"

"Yes, as long as you know a place large enough." Alfred waved his hands (like a little girl)

"Oh em gee you guys this is going to be so SICK! I get to beat Russia's ass in public and it's TOTALLY LEGAL."

Obama raised his hands.

"Alfred, now the point of this is to promote unity. It's just a friendly game of-"

"Yah whatever," Alfred shot up from his chair, "Johnson! Book us an arena PRONTO!"

And then he threw up.

…

…

…

…..

…..

…..

…

**3500 meters.**

**Weather: fair. Slight chance of rain.**

**Arena: forest. Southeast heavily wooded area. North west barren.**

"These statistics are crap."

"With all due respect sir, this is paintball-"

"Damn it soldier we're at war!"

"No we're not! And stop _saying_ that! You're freaking everyone out!"

Alfred looked up from his paper to the 60 odd soldiers around him. They sat on barrels and boxes. Some cleaned their fake guns, others stared at him with intensity. America coughed lightly and handed the paper back to the soldier beside him.

"Right. That was a test. You passed."

"And you keep saying _that_ too-"

"Alright everyone! So, does everyone know the game plan?" A woman raised her hand and Alfred pointed to her, "Yes! You."

"Sir, with all due respect you actually haven't explained anything yet."

"That…was also a test! And you also pass! Ok, game plan: shoot as many Russians as you can." Everyone remained quite expect for the one person who coughed. America smiled and nodded to his soldiers. "Ok, good meeting guys-"

"Sir," Johnson piped up from behind him, "I think everyone would greatly appreciate it if you gave us a more…solid plan." Alfred nervously took his gun apart.

"Sure. Sure. Um, ok, so, game plan…shoot as many Russians as po-"

"Sir, if you don't mind me asking, why are we doing this?" The crowd murmured as the lone soldier raised his hand. Alfred gave him a small glare.

"_Because _it promotes unity."

"More like marital problems." The group chuckled as Alfred glared harder.

"Ok who said that?"

"Sir, the plan?" Alfred quickly put his gun back together and pointed at his group.

"Ok, you want a plan? How about this: Group A goes in head first while Group B and C swarm the Reds from both sides."

"That's what she said-"

"_AND_, if we win, then everyone gets to go to Dairy Queen." Everyone perked up, "Alright, how's that for a plan?"

"Sir, Tom and I are lactose intolerant."

"Ok, you two get to go to KFC-"

"But I want KFC!" The crowd slowly began to argue as Alfred rolled his eyes and took off his hat.

"Ok! Ok! Everyone write down on a piece of paper where you want to go, we'll take it to a vote."

"Sir, the plan-"

"Shut it Johnson this is _important_!"

Meanwhile, on the Russian front…

Russia sat around a crate with four other soldiers, the rest awaiting orders in the background. The grounds layout was then rolled back up as they all nodded in agreement. Ivan smiled happily to his commanders.

"I believe we have a plan gentlemen."

"Sir, are you sure this is a good idea? You do realise that if we win, we are making your new…housemate look like a fool."

Ivan laughed.

Then backhanded the man for talking back.

And then laughed some more.

After both teams had finished their battle tactics and reported back to the (Canadian) referees, they got into position.

On the outskirts of the field the press were falling over themselves to get a good shot of the action. Inside a few select camera men were given permission to get shots of the game live. In the parking lot various news reporters of all sorts talked and tittered, the excitement of who would win overcoming everyone.

Both nation's leaders stood by, silently praying for no disaster to occur.

But before each could finish their own hopeful thoughts, the whistle blew.

The shots began immediately.

America sat behind a barrel with two others as he awaited for team Alpha to get into position. He held his radio at the ready, his heart beating out of his chest.

He smiled as the radio talked to him.

"Position secured."

"What's the score?"

"Two of our own out. Three on the other side."

"Roger."

Shots flew overhead as Alfred got up into a squatting position, his gun at the ready as he looked around the barrel. With a wave of the finger he and his unit quickly made their way to an abandoned car parallel to them.

More shots. Various soldiers, both coloured in either Blue or Pink paint, held their hands up in order to leave the field. America held the radio up to his lips.

"Remember, you see Braginski you tell me. He's a force to reckon with."

"Roger roger."

"Sir," A soldier whispered, "Don't you think it would be more convenient if your code name wasn't roger?"

"No. It sounds funny this way."

Alfred peeked around the corner. In front of him the woods began, and through the trees he could see a group of barrels; probably a hiding spot for some Russians.

America turned to his unit and nodded to the barrel pyramid. They nodded to him and followed his lead, just barley avoiding the balls that flew overhead.

His radio buzzed.

"10 ours. 20 theirs. Kicking ass sir. No sign of the leader."

Alfred furrowed his eyebrows as he threw himself on the ground, shooting an enemy soldier's legs. The soldier cried out in surprise.

_We're already creaming them? That's not like Braginski._

"Still 10 ours sir. 30 theirs. Only a few Russians left sir."

The nation rolled behind a log and stood up, quickly taking out three more soldiers before falling to the ground again. He waited a heated moment before he looked up again, noticing that all the solders had been shot.

"Now 35 theirs."

_Something is totally up._

"Group spotted by hill." Alfred grabbed his radio.

"Roger. I'll be there. Don't do anything. Obviously they set a trap."

"sir- I mean..roger."

Alfred chewed on his lip as he got up and moved. Behind the barrels, then behind a few trees. He zig zagged across the forest before he spotted a group of his own men coming up. He ran up to the first soldier in front of him.

"What's up bro-soph?" He whispered. The woman nodded to him then pointed with her gun to the hill.

"All as you said sir. We've surrounded the hill from three sides." Alfred looked to his left, where a group of soldiers were positioned behind a car and, what he presumed, to the left of them another unit.

"Well it's obviously a trap-"

"Obviously sir. I just don't know how-" From behind the second unit shots were fired. Alfred looked over to his left where a group of Russians soldiers spilled out.

Alfred shot wildly, his army shooting them down like dogs. He lifted his gun up and shook his head.

There were five of the Russians, and 45 of his solders- all his soldiers- surrounding the hill. So much for a sneak attack-

"Yoo Hoo!" Alfred turned back to the hill where a soldier stood with a familiar pink scarf and-

"FIRE! FIRE FIRE FIRE!" But some weren't fast enough as the Russian soldiers popped out from the other side of the car and the trees. Alfred booked it pass the various shots as he ran head first for the man in the scarf. He heard him laugh as he tried to shoot Alfred, who easily dodged the shot. Alfred leapt into the air and took the other out, landing square on the man as he laughed, noticing his own soldiers taking out the Russians easily. "Your aim was sloppy Braginski!"

He laughed again as he ripped off the others mask.

The black haired man below him smiled as more shots were fired.

"No Jones, you were sloppy." Alfred whipped his head around to see a very tall man right behind him, "Also, that is what she said."

He then rammed the butt of his gun into Alfred's mask, causing him to cry out in pain. In the background wild shots were heard as both sides went at it.

"Sir- taking heavy casualties- they were hiding behind the first group not on the hill- AW DAMN IT! Ok I'm out you guys."

His radio then buzzed out.

But America didn't care, because at that moment he couldn't breathe. He fumbled and clawed at his mask, finally ripping it off to take a sweet breath of air.

He gulped it in.

Only to have it forced out of his lungs by a certain _someone's _foot colliding with his chest.

The tall man above him took off his own mask, revealing a very happy Russia.

"Oh Amerika, if only you could see yourself now. With your bloody nose and stupid face."

"Y-you JERK-OWWW!" Alfred tried to reach for his gun, but instead got his hand crushed as Ivan stomped on it. Ivan then waved his finger.

"Ah ah ah. No no, none of that." Paint balls flew overhead as Ivan reached into his jacket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, taking his time lighting it while looking out to the playing field, "Yes, I got you good."

"B-but...your scarf."

"This one?" Ivan pulled his scarf out from under his jacket, a coy smile on his face as he took a long drag of his cigarette, "I just tucked it in. The one the soldier was wearing was obviously a decoy." Alfred shook his head as he tried to move. Ivan pushed down harder on the nation, "And don't try to move. I want to savour this moment, yes?"

"N-No! JOHNSON! CODE VIPER!" Ivan looked up as the American agent switched his sights from the soldiers around him to the Slavic nation. He gave two shots. Ivan however just smiled as he held his cigarette box up, both shots colliding into it.

He then took another drag of his cigarette before throwing the box down and returning two shots, hitting Johnson in the chest.

"You must tell me where you got Johnson. He is a very loyal dog."

"Y-you're a dog!"

"Really Amerika? This again?" Russia looked around bordly before turning his sights back to the younger nation, "Besides. It is just you and I now. Our soldiers took each other out."

"B-but how-"

"It seems our powers can be equal in some aspects. However, on a more personal note," Ivan flicked his cigarette at Alfred, burning his face slightly, "It seems I am stronger."

"Like hell you are!"

"Oh dear Amerika, you know, you are rather cute when you are utterly defenceless and broken. And by cute I mean pathetic."

"Shut up! Your face is pathetic." Ivan chuckled as he kneeled down, his foot still square on Alfred's chest.

"Always the sharp one. You haven't changed at all. Even when you were just a boy you would always make the dumbest, simplest mistakes."

Alfred shook his head as he clawed at the dirt in pain.

"You never even _met_ me when I was little!"

"Oh? No need! I already know everything," Ivan reached down and pinched Alfred's cheeks, "England told me."

Alfred stared dumbly at him.

"Huh?"

"During pillow talk."

"…huh?"

_Wait…brain not…computing…_

"Where do you think I was while you were passed out in that stupid Aquarium?"

Alfred's eyes slowly widened as Russia stood, a deep chuckling rising up his throat.

"That's right Alfred, I was with England," His laughter then turned to what could only be described as evil, "That's right Alfred! I slept with your _MOTHER_!"

Alfred stared in horror as Ivan continued to laugh, his voice echoing across the deserted playing field. His body withered with laughter as he held onto his sides, his throat barley able to take in breaths in between his cries for joy.

That was, before his cries of laughter became a cry of pain.

Blood shot forth and exploded from his chest, his hands quickly reaching to cover the spot. As he tumbled back Alfred kicked him to the ground, a pistol held in his shaking hand.

"That's right Braginski- I brought a _real gun_ to a _PAINTBALL GAME_!" Ivan stared up at him in shock before the laughter returned, this time louder than before, "SHUT UP!" Alfred snarled as he fired another shot into the large nation's arm. Russia cried out and grabbed the new wound. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a knife.

Alfred snorted.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you not to bring a knife to a gun fight?"

"Did anyone ever tell you that England cries like a girl?"

"OH MY GOD SHUT UP THAT IS GROSS-OWW DAMN IT!" Alfred grabbed his leg and stumbled back, falling over as he pulled the knife from his thigh. Russia laughed.

"You also should never get distracted so easily."

"Shut it!"

Russia then lunged at him, his hands fighting and grabbing for the gun. Alfred set off two more shots, however they both missed the other man's head.

They both cried out and screamed at one another, their voices sounding that like of groups of people.

Ivan grabbed the knife and shoved it into Alfred's shoulder, pinning him to the ground.

Alfred yanked his pistol away from the other's grabbing hands and held it to the large man's head.

Ivan grabbed Alfred's chin and forced it back, his mouth then inches from the others jugular.

America shoved his pistol to Russia's left temple.

"Just try it! Just try it dude! Just try to ripe my throat out!"

"Well then just _shoot me_ in front of your pretty little-"

"Oh don't you EVEN go THERE! First my _mom_ and now _THIS?_"

The world was so loud. Everything was loud. Somewhere in the back of his brain someone told him to

Stop stop stop

"Well at least I didn't bring a _gun_ to a children's _game-_"

"You brought a _KNIFE_-"

"That's DIFFERENT-"

Stop

"JUST DO IT ALREADY!"

"Stop! Alfred!"

"_SHOOT ME! KILL ME ALREADY!_"

"MAYBE I _WILL!_"

"ALFRED STOP!"

"MAYBE YOU _SHOULD-"_

And he could just feel his finger pull down on that sweet, slim little piece of metal that always made him feel like no one else could

And he could just feel the blood hungry teeth begin to venture their way into his throat, his blood pumping and working and just begging to be let out and stain the world in life.

And he could just feel…

Two shots fired. His hand froze.

He opened his eyes to see his enemy's staring back. But then they just went

Down

Down

Down

And he could feel his hand fall heavy and his heart begin to slow and the world spun and soared

And in the light he could see parts of him, shinning and calling to him.

There was someone else in his face.

His breath stopped.

He was drowning.

The world screamed for him to respond.

But he just felt like sleeping.

/

Since when did so much angst get in here? Shoo! Shoo angst!

Ok. Guess what song I kept listening too while writing this chapter? xD Anyone?

I hope it's still ok. Let me know if you like it or think I should make some changes. I know that Russia can sometimes be OOC, sorry.


	8. Wake up call

I have a major assignment due in a week….blarg….and it's an essay. About the Soviet Union…and…it sucks and…UGH I'M GONNA FAIL WHY AM I WRITING FANFICTION INSTEAD OF WORKING?

I don't own Hetalia

/

He felt groggy.

Not the usual 'waking up still kind of drunk' groggy.

No, this was a different groggy. Like waking up after a very long sleep, and still wanting to go back to bed.

His brain didn't hurt or anything, neither did his body. He just felt…

_Weird_

Light and noise came in and out of his senses. It felt like he kept waking up before sleep would drag him back into nothingness.

He would hear a women talk, then fade out.

He felt pin pricks all over his body, then he faded out.

Someone was speaking softly, then he faded out.

The fourth time he was actually able to hold onto consciousness long enough to hear someone say his name.

The fifth time he finally came out of it.

He gave a slight huff and rolled his head back a forth, rubbing his hair into the pillow.

He pulled at the blankets and tried to pull them over his head, however his arms just wouldn't move that far.

He whined and tried again, still nothing.

"America? Are you awake?" Alfred shook his head and pouted his lips.

"Cold." He managed, though he wasn't really. In all honesty he just wanted more fluffy blankets.

"Do you want me to get more blankets?"

Alfred only whined again, trying once more to pull the blankets over his head. He pulled harder, but instead he felt a restriction around his wrists. He furrowed his brows but refused to open his eyes.

It was probably really bright.

The voice left him for a moment, soft footsteps heard over what seemed to be hard flooring. Various machines chimed around him as someone far away breathed deeply.

Alfred tried to kick the blankets off, but his ankles wouldn't allow it.

Footsteps sounded again, and before America knew it he felt a weight on his chest. Someone sighed sweetly.

"Is that better dear?"

Alfred shook his head and whined.

"Too hot."

The voice chuckled as soft fingers ran through his hair.

"Are you trying to be difficult?" The fingers left and were soon replaced by, what felt like, a wet cloth.

Alfred gave a long whine and arched his back.

His neck held him down.

"Where am I?" He whimpered. The fingers came back to pet his cheek.

"You're in the hospital dear."

"Why?"

"Because you're sick." Alfred opened his eyes to a squint in order to look at the voice.

It was bright. Everything was bright.

Every surface reflected the light into his eyes.

Alfred hissed slightly before looking again to the voice.

Sure enough it was a nurse.

A hot nurse.

Had Alfred been in a better mood, he would have said something witty and sexy like

'you come here often?'

…which…would be weird since….she did work there…and…

Never mind.

Alfred huffed.

"Why am I sick?"

"What do you remember dear?" Alfred closed his eyes and sunk into his pillow, a slow breath escaping his lungs.

"I remember…paint and…war….and," His eyes opened again, "I shot Braginski."

"No sir. You didn't." America slowly rolled his head to his left to see a tall man in a very official looking suit…

"Who?"

"Agent Thompson sir. And you didn't shoot Braginski. We did." Alfred moaned and tried to rub his face, however his wrists still refused to cooperate.

"That doesn't sound good."

"You were about to kill each other sir. We had to tranquilize you. Both of you." Alfred blinked slowly and licked his lips.

"So, you didn't shoot like…kill him, only tran-"

"Tranquilize. Yes sir."

"And you did that to me too?"

"Yes sir." Alfred frowned.

"What the hell Thompson." He whined, his neck aching slightly. The agent saluted awkwardly before approaching his bed.

"Sir, you were about to kill each other on national television. We had to stop you." Alfred closed his eyes.

"I didn't even know you _could_ tranquilize a country."

"Well you can, and we did." Another figure said as he walked into the room. Alfred pouted.

He didn't need to open his eyes to know who it was.

"Please don't lecture me, I'm sick-"

"Alfred F. Jones, I am going to give you the lecture of your life-"

"Noooo-"

"Because you clearly didn't follow my direct orders to _not_ screw this up and make it look like-"

"Stop please-"

"We are at war with each other, and now the whole freakin world-"

"uuugggghhh-"

"All because you couldn't keep your cool long enough to-"

"Seriously dude? I have like, the worst headache ever right now."

The other scoffed.

"Oh, oh _you_ have a headache? Do you even KNOW what congress has been saying? Never mind the thin ice we've had with them since we didn't even _tell_ them about the union until it HAPPENED! Now they want to-"

"Bllllaaaaahhhh-" Alfred began to groan, slowly drowning the other out with his excessive, annoying noise. He pulled again at his hands and when they refused to move he looked down.

He was restrained to the bed.

He shot up in the bed-

Well…he meant to. But since he was also restrained by the neck he kind of just choked himself for a second and then began making gurgling noises.

After a moment of recovery he glared at the agent.

"What the hell? Why am I RESTRAINED?" The agent fiddled with his fingers.

"We uh…didn't want another incident…sir."

"You can't restrain me! I'm the United freakin States!"

"Well we did, so be _quiet_." Alfred glared at his leader.

"You're making me angry…and you won't like me when I'm angry."

An evil, sugary sweet chuckle came from the left, causing everyone to look towards the noise. Ivan laid in his own bed, a surprisingly chipper expression on his face as he looked at Alfred.

"And what are you going to do, pray tell? Start torturing us by speaking in that guttural southern accent of yours?"

Alfred shook the bed.

"Don't _make_ me come over there Braginski!"

"Alfred calm down!" Both looked back to the American leader, "Just sit there and be _quite_. Both of you," He crossed his arms and walked closer to America's bed, "Now Germany has just declared that the world conference that was _supposed_ to be in October is now being held this weekend. His government says that it's due to the recent global warming crisis but I think we _all know_ the real reason."

There was silence in the room as Ivan raised his fingers.

"Ah, is the answer: They have found oil in Bulgaria and so your government is heading over in order to 'liberate' them-"

"YOU ARE DEAD BRAGINSKI!"

Russia laughed happily as Alfred pulled at the restraints, the nurse jumping up and quickly leaving the room while the agent tried to calm him down.

"Alfred he's just teasing! It's ok-"

"This is bull! This is _complete _bull! And why don't you ever get mad at him? He _started_ this WHOLE fiasco!"

Ivan feigned a blush and gave an expression of mock surprise.

"Who? Me? Oh dear you do flatter me-"

"And don't call me _DEAR-_"

"Alfred Ivan may have said some things but you acted on it-" Alfred gasped loudly and shook his head.

"Do you even know what he said? He slept with my MOM dude!" The agent gave a disgusted expression.

"Isn't she dead-"

"No, like, my other mom." The room went silent, "England."

"…Alfred…England is a man-"

"Well he sews like a mom."

"And I didn't sleep with your 'mother' Jones." The Americans turned back to the Russian who giggled slightly. Alfred blinked slowly.

"What? But…you said…"

"It is called 'lying to your face'. I am sure you are well acquainted with this skill. After all, you do it all the time." Alfred squinted his eyes, attempting to make sense of the situation.

"Wait…so…you…didn't sleep with England?"

"Nyet."

"And…you just said that-"

"To see the look on your face. You should have seen it! Ha…priceless." Alfred stared blankly at Ivan who cheerily began to say 'kodak moment' in a singsong voice.

And that was when Alfred ripped the restraints out of the bed and went straight for Ivan.

"ALFRED MAD! ALFRED SMASH! GET REVENGE ON-FLAFLOGH-" In which he then fell on his face because his legs stopped working. Ivan laughed hysterically as Alfred grabbed his now bleeding face, "WHAT THE HELL-"

"You- you do not know this drug yes? It was developed in the Soviet Union, so I know it well," Ivan rubbed his face in his pillow to wipe away his tears, "a side effect is that you cannot walk for at least three days."

"Y…YOU DICK! You _knew_ I would-"

"AH! Another kodak moment!" Alfred pulled his hands into fists as he glared at the floor.

"I swear, when I get the use of my legs back I am using them to kick your ass."

"Well if you _children_ are done," both quickly looked back to the American president who simply glared at them, "You're both grounded." Alfred's jaw dropped as Ivan whined in the background.

"Noooo…..but, I have not been grounded since 1953-"

"Well you should have thought of that Ivan before you tried to rip Alfred's jugular out." Alfred rolled onto his back.

"This is dumb dude, you can't do this."

"Well I can young man. So no video games-"

"WHAT?-"

"OR TV for the next month." Alfred propped himself on his elbows and scoffed at his leader.

"This is crap! You can't ground me! I'm the United States!"

"Well I just did-"

"Well FINE!" Alfred raised his arm dramatically, "Jokes on you anyway because I haven't watched TV since I found out the stripper bar near my house has a $5 buffet!"

"Really? $5?" Ivan tilted his head, "That is quite the deal comrade."

"I know right?"

"_2 months_ AND no internet either." Alfred gasped.

"No I was kidding! Really! I don't go to stripper bars! I'm like, always doing good things like feeding orphaned kittens and like, building elderly people-"

"You mean building homes for elderly people?"

"Yah that!"

"No. And Ivan, you can't watch your Korean soap operas for a month." Ivan let out a cry of pain.

"No! But- Soo is about to have a baby on the show-"

"Well that's just too bad then, isn't it?" And with that the leader left the room, his shoes clicking angrily as he went out the door. The American agent gave a hurried, awkward salute before following after his boss. Alfred looked on to where his boss left. He narrowed his eyes and slowly turned to Ivan, who pouted childishly.

"Oh poop."

"Ivan," Alfred rolled onto his stomach and began crawling towards the others bed, "When I get over there…"

Russia blinked dramatically and widened his eyes as much as he could.

"Chto? What?"

"I am just going to…oh man…"

"What?"

Alfred grabbed onto the bottom of the bed and dragged himself forward, an evil smile on his face.

"Oh, oh the things I am going to do to you-"

"But…but you _can't mean_…"

Alfred pulled himself up onto the bed and grinned wickedly. His fingers twitched as began to reach towards Ivan, who surprisingly enough looked afraid.

In fact, he looked completely shocked.

His eyes looked this way and that, as if begging to find a way to escape the nation sitting beside him. Alfred cracked his knuckles and allowed his body to shake slightly with excitement.

_I wonder if he'll still have that expression when I STRANGLE HIM TO DEATH_

"Al..Alfred you can't…"

"Any last words before I murder your stupid, dirty Russian face?"

But instead of crying for mercy, or even screaming in fear, Ivan just blushed.

Like a creepy blush.

Before grabbing Alfred and pulling him into a crushing hug.

America let out a strangled yell as Ivan cried out.

"Alfred! We can't do that here! IT'S a _HOSPITAL!_"

"W-what are you _doing_ you _freak_?" Alfred chocked out before his breath was further squeezed out of him, "I thought you were restrained!"

"That's not very _SANITARY ALFRED_! What if someone comes in?" Russia hollered. He let out a soft chuckle before continuing, "No! Don't do that!" And then he stopped talking and instead started making noises that were all…

All…

_EW EW EW EW EW_

Alfred squirmed and wrestled with the larger nation as he prayed to anyone and everything to just STOP Ivan from making those NOISES.

_BRAIN BLEACH BRAIN BLEACH BRAIN BLEACH_

With one last roll Alfred was able to break free, his body flying out from the others bed, his body colliding with the ground. He cried out before scrambling to get back into his own bed, quickly pulling the covers over his head.

"UNCLE! UNCLE UNCLE!" He cried out, his body shaking and his brain screaming from the horrible new noises it had heard. Ivan laughed happily and placed his hands behind his head, a smug smile on his face.

"I win."

/

I know this one was short you guys, but I wanted to update and…yah. I hope it was funny. I feel like this chapter was kind of missing something….I don't know. I tried. I hope my attempt at humour wasn't in vain ;A;


	9. That moment when no one laughs

I don't own Hetalia. Your favourite psycho makes an appearance in this chapter.

/

Alfred chewed angrily on his straw, his fruit punch sloshing about inside his juice box as he climbed into the car.

He would say today sucked…but then again, every day sucked lately. In fact, it seemed that his life was having a competition on 'which day can suck the most' and thus every day was gradually getting more and more sucky.

Such as today.

_This sucks_

"Oh this _is_ exciting. I haven't been to Germany in a couple of years, yes? Yes, it will be very nice. Oh I do hope Gilbert will be happy to see me," Russia's face darkened as his smile grew, "After all, I am always oh so happy to see him."

"Mmm." Alfred droned, staring out the window as the car began to make its way down his streets.

His veins.

_Ew. Weird thought._

"Maybe we could get some German beer after? It is rather good, if I do dare to say. In fact, I am sure it is one of the only good things Gilbert is good at doing: making beer. He seems to fail in every other aspect of his life. After all, he couldn't even keep his own nation going." Ivan laughed cheerily. Alfred sunk in his seat.

He missed Tony.

Tony had been absent during this whole fiasco because he was in space doing some stupid space project. Something about defending the earth from being demolished in order to put up a super space highway.

Alfred packed his besties lunch before he went, so he heard all about it…

But then again Digimon reruns were on TV so his attention was divided.

And then two days later Alfred was woken up and was thrown into this whole mess.

He whimpered slightly as he rummaged through his Taco Bell bag in order to grab a…

Probably a taco…

He didn't know what was inside to be honest.

He didn't even look at it. He just ate.

He bit with sorrow.

He chewed with defeat.

He swallowed with self pity.

It tasted like depression-

And overcooked mystery meat.

"Alfred, please try to smile." His boss coxed. Alfred shook his head.

"No. Besides, you're ditching me at the airport with the sasquatch. Then you're leaving me for like- ever."

"Alfred I had to put a lot of things aside to deal with this…situation, but now I have to get back to work. Your house doesn't run itself you know." America sniffled.

"You don't even know. You don't even know dude. I'm probably going to be violated by his communist, Soviet antics."

Ivan stretched his arm in order to lean it on the back of the seat, and evidently behind Alfred's head.

"I am right here little one."

"I'm going to die."

The president folded his hands and tried to give a genuine smile.

"Alfred, it isn't that bad. Besides, we already talked about what to say when you go to the world conference-"

"It's not that I'm worried about, it's _him_."

"Alfred-"

America rubbed his face with his hands, getting grease all over his forehead.

"You have _no idea_ what it's been like living with him, and it's only been like, a week? Do you know what he did? He rearranged my kitchen! Like, who does that!"

Ivan chuckled.

"I am still here Jones."

"He set all my clocks to military time, threw all my white laundry in with my colors and- and-AND!" Alfred sat up straight, now filled with energy as he dug his hand into his pocket to pull out his iphone. He played around with it until he finally found what he was looking for and gave it to his boss. The president looked at the screen, then back at America.

"What is it?"

"He wrote dirty _fanfiction_ about us!"

"…what?" Alfred snatched the phone away and pressed the various buttons angrily.

"Yah! Like, who does that?" Ivan giggled happily.

"I personally liked the fifth chapter. We were in the office and-"

"Yah I know dude, I _read it_."

"Alfred," America turned back to his boss who gave him a very disturbed look, "If it bothers you so much then just don't look at his poorly written-"

"_WHOW! _Whow whow whow whow whow! Hold up!" Alfred put his hands up defensively, "I never said it was _bad_-"

The president gave him an even odder look.

"_What?_"

"Like, the spelling and grammar was great and all. And besides, he didn't write me out of character or anything-"

"Oh, why thank you Amerika. You flatter me." Alfred waved his hand as he gave a 'pshaw'.

"No dude totally like, even though it was creepy as hell, it was good. Like, if I ever did want to do you, which I don't , but if I did, but I don't, but if I _DID_, then it would totally go down like that-"

"Alfred!" Both looked back once more to the president, who was now horrified, "I honestly don't know what's worse! The fact that Ivan _wrote_ pornographic stories about you two or the fact that you _read_ it!" Alfred flailed his hands like a girl.

"I-I was bored! I was reading Avengers fanfiction when-"

"And didn't I tell you no internet for two months?" Alfred looked around quickly for an escape. When he found none he did the only rational thing he could think of.

He grabbed the empty taco bell bag and put it over his head, and then sat perfectly still.

Ivan laughed happily as America tried not to shake.

"Alfred. Do you think I'm an idiot?"

The taco bag- AKA Alfred- didn't respond.

"I know you're right there Alfred."

The taco bag slouched in its chair and tried to look cute.

"Alfred take that stupid thing off!"

"Nobody here…just us tacos…"

"_ALFRED!_"

And so the car ride continued on like that. Alfred finally had to take it off when Ivan wrestled him for it. And of course after that he got another long, angry lecture.

The plane ride wasn't much better.

Ivan tried to freak Alfred out by hinting that there may be cameras in his house.

In the shower.

So Alfred attempted to drink his fears away and luckily they did leave.

Along with his left shoe.

And that was how Alfred found himself hung over and left-shoe-less at the world meeting.

"Sounds like quite the adventure lad." Alfred nodded slowly, his aviator sunglasses hiding his tired, dead eyes.

"Chya. And I won't even tell you how we got here."

"That sounds rather unfortunate Alfred-san. I do hope you find your left shoe." Alfred held out his fist, in which Japan gently bumped with his own.

"Thanks dude."

The three walked down the busy hallway. All around, nations of different sorts socialized. Here and there arguments could be heard, but this was normal for the conference. Alfred shoved his hand in his McDonalds bag and snacked on some fries. They entered the large meeting room that was filled with chairs. To their left was a 'sign in book' in order to keep toll of the nations that came, and to their right was a table filled with water glasses.

"Well then, where do you want to sit Kiku? I do believe those seats near the window are fine-"

"Uh yah, but there's only two bro," The other two nations looked at Alfred, who slowly frowned, "Unless you don't want to be near me."

Kiku raised his hands defensively and shook his head.

"Oh no, Alfred-san, that is not the case. You see, since you are married-"

"Rooming-"

"With Russia, you must sit with him….over there." Alfred turned his head to what was possibly the darkest corner in the room. He looked back at Kiku, who felt the other's glare, "I am sorry America-san, perhaps, ah, we could work something-"

"Oh don't get your knickers in a knot boy. You're the one who decided to marry the freak so now you have to deal with the consequences."

Alfred glared harder.

"Well someone woke up on the wrong side of France this morning-" Britain immediately grabbed Alfred's throat and began to choke him.

"You little prick! How many bloody times do I have to tell you before you get it in your tick, _FAT_ skull that I am NOT SHAGGING FRANCE-"

Alfred laughed obnoxiously through his strangled breaths as Japan tried in vain to calm the two down.

The three stopped talking all at once however when a strange chill filled the air. England loosened his grip on America in order to give his attention to Japan, who shivered.

"I say…did you feel that?"

"Hai. I did."

"Are your limy senses tingling?"

Arthur glared at his former colony before all three heard a chilling sound. To the left, near the doorway a figure slowly came into view. Arthur let go of Alfred's throat completely as his face lost all colour

(So, it wasn't that much of a change from his normal looking face)

She slowly lifted her head to look directly at Alfred, her cold eyes straining from her frustration and anger.

She was beautiful. She wore a light blue summer dress with white trim. Simple, but effective. It showed off her body in all the right ways.

Save for her crazy ass face.

"You…" She began, taking a step forward, "You took him away…you've been…been hiding. Hiding like the mouse you are…and hiding _him_ with you. But now…now I have you. You will pay for what you did…you…"

"Yah me."

"You…" Her trusty knife made its appearance in her right hand while she took yet another step forward. Alfred looked at her blankly as he ate another french-fry.

"Look, can we not do this now? I just had a wicked long flight."

"You _dare_ mock me?" Arthur and Kiku jumped as she came even closer.

"If it makes you feel any better that dress is wicked hot on you, but I bet it'd look even better on my bedroom floor. AM I RIGHT?" America turned quickly to Arthur for a high five, but instead he was left hanging as his former guardian gave him a horrified expression. Alfred scoffed, "What? Aw come on that totally deserves a high fiv-"

"_DIE!_" England and Japan screamed as Belarus screeched and lunged at Alfred, her knife ready to strike. He also screamed but reached for the table, quickly grabbing a glass water jug before smashing it on the table and pointing the broken thing at her. Belarus stopped in her tracks and glared at Alfred, her teeth bared like a wild animal. She hissed angrily as he shook the sharp object at her.

"BACK! BACK YE BEAST!" She hissed once more before scurrying off. He relaxed his shoulder

Before smashing the glass jug on the ground.

He then grabbed some more fries from his bag and shoved him into his mouth.

The room was silent and in awe as he chewed and swallowed. He shrugged.

"What?" Everyone continued to stare as he ate,"I got a lot of problems, but a bitch aint one."

And then explosions went off.

Ok not really but in his mind they did because everyone was BLOWN.

And that was basically how the world meeting began.

Shortly after the rest of the nations gathered and took their seats.

America was already sitting when Ivan sat down beside him, his body shaking slightly from what Alfred guessed was fear/ recent sexual harassment. Russia turned to him with wide eyes.

"I heard what you did little one." Alfred leaned on the table.

"Yupp."

"I am…impressed. There are few who actually stand up to my sister." Alfred yawned and scratched his neck.

"Yah well, I didn't put up with her crazy bull during the Cold War, and I aint gonna do it now. Only time I wana see her is when her back is too me: leavin the room, or face down on my bed. AM I RIGHT?" He raised his hand for a high five, but instead was met with the shocked/PISSED expression of Ivan. Alfred turned to the rest of the room, who stared at him (since he interrupted the introduction to the meeting). Every nation was silent, expect for South Korea who was laughing hysterically. Alfred licked his lips nervously. "…Tough crowd."

He then had his face slammed into the desk by Russia, who laughed happily.

"Don't mind him! He is just being his usual, obnoxious, self-indulgent self. Please, continue." The room murmured as Germany cleared his throat and continued on his speech. Alfred slowly lifted up his head and groaned.

"Ow.."

"For your sake," Ivan whispered, "I am going to pretend that never happened."

"…my nose is bleeding."

"Good."

And so, with a broken nose and slightly broken pride, Alfred tried to pay attention to the meeting. Germany had a very, very boring PowerPoint on display as he went on about different statistics and the point of this meeting. America could already feel his eyes closing.

Sometimes the meetings were good. Only if they were held in a very lively country though. Some countries, after all, were very lively and could get your attention easily. South Korea was surprisingly good at public speaking and bringing the listener in. However, everyone knew that if the meeting was in Germany, it was going to be boring.

Usually more effective, and more stuff got done, but boring never the less.

Ivan took notes beside him and listened attentively, like the good student he was.

Alfred snorted and grabbed his own pen, writing sloppily on the side of Russia's notepad.

_I'm bored._

Russia stared down at the note and smiled before writing back:

_Oh, we are pen pals now?_

Alfred furrowed his eyebrows.

_No. Besides, you're using the expression wrong._

_No, I am not. Because we are using our pens to be 'pals' as they say :D_

America immediately regretted his decision and instead opted to not write anything back. However, Russia continued to write to him.

_If you are bored, we can play a game. I know many games ;)_

Alfred furrowed his eyebrows.

_Dude don't say 'games' and then wink._

_Why? It means that the games are fun! They are, 'double the fun' as they say._

_No. If you put a wink face that means it usually has to do with sex._

_Oh :(_

Both didn't write anything for a few minutes before Russia started again.

_;)_

_Ew. Stop it._

_;D_

_Seriously stop it._

_;3_

_I will cut you Braginski_

_;p_

_DON'T use the tongue one its gross_

_D: You don't like my smiley faces? I learned them from your snazzy American television shows!_

_Yah from like, the 90s_

_I will cry ;A;_

_Where'd you learn that?_

_From China _

_Oh_

_;D_

_EEEEWWWWWW_

_^J^_

_Now you're just being stupid_

_(^_^)_

_I hate you_

_T.T_

_Good_

_*w*_

_Creepy. Like your face._

_Let's play a game!_

_No_

_Please~ 3_

_No_

_ ~~ Please~~_

_No_

_;w; please?_

_OK IF YOU STOP TOUCHING MY LEG_

_^J^_

_What do you want to play?_

_I spy._

_Fine._

_You go comrade._

_I spy with my little eye something that is a huge douchbag._

_Is it France?_

Alfred laughed , which caused a few heads to turn.

_No, but acceptable answer. Your turn._

_I spy with my little eye, something that is shivering._

America looked up from the pad to see Latvia across the table.

_Easy. Latvia. I spy with my little eye something that can stare into your soul._

_Hmmm…Is it Sweden?_

_Yah._

_The fun has been doubled! I spy with my little eye, something that can be lost in a blizzard._

_Prussia._

_You are a smart boy!_

_Ok, I spy with my little eye, something with a huge rack._

Ivan frowned slightly and looked up at Alfred, who moved his eyebrows up and down suggestively.

_Jones, need I remind you that Ukraine is my sister?_

_Oh yah…forgot._

Neither wrote for a moment.

_But you have to admit her chest is HUGE._

_Again. My sister._

_Yah, but I mean, if she wasn't your sister, wouldn't you totally tap that?_

Alfred was about to laugh at his own crude joke, but was interrupted by Russia's foot colliding with his leg. He let out a small cry before he glared at Ivan.

Russia smiled back.

_Would you like me to talk about Canadia in that way? I can if you wish~_

Alfred jabbed Ivan in the side.

_Can it._

Russia stomped on his foot.

_His hair is pretty like a girls~ I wonder what it feels like?~_

America elbowed him angrily in the side.

_Shut it dude_

Russia grabbed the younger nation's hand and began twisting the fingers.

Alfred began kicking the Russian angrily while also attempting to get his hand back.

Russia kicked back and swayed slightly in his chair, his free hand jabbing Alfred in the side.

America slapped his hand away and grabbed the larger man's scarf.

Ivan punched Alfred in the ribs.

Alfred began strangling him with his scarf.

Ivan pulled on his hair.

Alfred swayed in his chair while-

"ENOUGH!" The two angry nations looked up to see Prussia who stood from his seat, his eyes fixated on them, "This is BULL! Complete BULL! Let's all just cut the crap and get to the point! We all know why we're here! We all know why we called this meeting so soon! It's because of _those two!_" He pointed at America and Russia, who looked at each other, and then the crowd before them.

"Doesn't anyone else find it weird? Or strange? That just suddenly two nations who _hate _each other decided to hook up and get _married?_" The crowd murmured as he smirked, "It is so not awesome. Nobody does that," He began to walk around the table now, his eyes still fixed on the pair, "And does no one else find it weird that nobody else knew about it until _after_ they both signed? They HATE each other! Just LOOK at them!" The two looked back at each other, and then their current position. Alfred was strangling Russia, who was pulling his hair.

Awkward.

"Well obviously someone else like Britain knew, Gilbert." Austria stated as he gave a small shrug.

"Oh? Really now? Is that true Britain? Did you know?" All eyes then went to America's former guardian, who shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Well…you know…the lad is under a lot of pressure these days-"

"Answer the question." Arthur went pale.

"No."

"Oh come on! What is this? Nazi interrogation?" Alfred scoffed, leaning against the table. Gilbert ignored him however and looked to Canada.

"What about you Matt? Did you know?" The younger nation shook his head. The murmurs grew louder as Gilbert gave a smug laugh, "Really? No one? Did no one know about this beforehand? Even though a Union contract takes _weeks_ to make, _no one_ but those two knew about it?"

Everyone looked around the room, as if expecting someone to raise their hand. To prove Gilbert wrong. But no one did. No one stood up. Alfred slouched his shoulders and felt more uncomfortable when he heard a faint growl from beside him.

"Get to the point Gilbert."

"Oh, the awesome me is gettin there Ivanski, just hold onto your panties. My point is that these two nations, who absolutely _hate_ each other, publically, just decided to get married one day? Really?"

Alfred moaned.

Ivan cleared his throat.

"It is for political reasons-"

"Politics my white _ASS_! What could you two _possibly_ give each other politically? Well?"

Both were silent.

But that just made it worse.

Everyone began talking as Gilbert tried to hush the crowd. Ivan crossed his arms.

"It is complicated-"

"Not complicated enough for a nation to know-"

"You are not a nation-"

"Stop avoiding the question-"

"I am not, I am simply saying you can't understand-"

"So tell us and let us not understand Russki!"

"It's not that simple-"

"Well just say it and-" Ivan hit the table, his fists white with frustration.

"I TELL YOU IT IS COMPLICATED GILBERT-"

"AND THAT! THAT!" Gilbert yelled, pointing at Ivan as he gave a small laugh, "IS MY POINT! LOOK! Just LOOK at them! Look at Russia and America!" Alfred lifted his head at his name as Gilbert shook his head, "Why is Ivan doing all the work? If this _is_ a political union, if this _is_ so important, why isn't America saying anything? We can't make him shut up about anything else, so why is he speechless about this?" Everyone looked to Alfred, who sunk in his chair, "Well?"

Everyone stared. England raised his brows as if too edge him on

To speak

To say something

_Anything_

Ivan looked down at him, his eyes pleading for help.

But Alfred could only look around scared, the corners of his lips cracking in a frightened smile.

"It's…it's..." He licked his lips, "I can't tell you."

The energy in the room was ready to burst. Gilbert shook his head slightly and pointed straight at America, his eyes full of pity.

"And there you have it. There it is folks….that's what this is." The albino stood at his full height, his eyes glancing around the room, "Because…I don't think this _is_ a political union. I think this is personal. Just look at them." Gilbert crossed his arms as he took a deep breath, "I think it's a hoax. Ladies and Gentleman, I believe the Russian Federation has blackmailed the United States of America into an all binding union." The room gasped as the energy came to its climax, Gilbert pressing his hands on the table in order to stare directly into Ivan's eyes, "Which, as we all know, is a direct violation of the NATO pact."

The room exploded.

Ivan stumbled back.

If Alfred was a rage comic, his face would be all

FUUUUUUUUUUU-

/

I hope that was ok. I tried to write the last part all like 'oooohhh…tension building' but I'm not too good at that sort of thing. Please Review! I love hearing what you guys liked and didn't like!

Also my question to the reader: In order for Alfred to read the fanfiction that Ivan wrote, wouldn't he have had to been looking for it?

Hur derp derp


	10. To silence a crowd

What have I been up to while I was away? I went to China, Mongolia and Russia. No big. Read details below. Also **WARNING, please read**: Uhhh…so Alfred is going to talk about business and politics and stuff….I don't know ANYTHING about that so I just made it up. Please don't quote this or think that any of this is based off fact. It's only based loosly on the knowledge that Canada and Russia are two big countries with a lot of natural resources

I don't own Hetalia

/

The room was ablaze (ok not really) with chatter as Alfred slowly lowered his head into his hands.

"That's ridiculous-"

"Well I think it makes sense."

"And as a violation of NATO," Gilbert continued as he glared at Russia, "I believe that means that we are now at war with-"

"Now wait a minute!" Eyes turned to Britain as he stood out of his chair, his giant brows furrowed, "By declaring war on Russia you are, in essence, declaring war on America since they are now in a military union."

Gilbert scoffed as he placed his hands on his hips.

"Yah I wasn't born yesterday kid! The awesome me knows that, even if a country is in a union contract, the marriage does not liquidate prior political and military pacts, thus making the NATO pact with America still valid against Russia-"

"Well that can't be right." Someone muttered as more countries began to speak up.

"It is not so much of an issue of NATO, but of blackmail." Sweden nodded, "If America is being blackmailed, then it must be dealt with."

"But he's not!"

"Of course he is! Just look at him!"

"He was all depressed at the wedding." Belgium pointed out. South Africa shrugged.

"He was also incredibly drunk."

"Listen, the awesome me knows blackmail when he sees it-"

"Bruder, we can not declare war just like that, this is something to seriously-"

"It is not like America-san at all." More individuals looked at Japan, who narrowed his eyes at Russia, "Especially to marry himself to his enemy. It is very odd."

"Odd but it's bloody well done! Besides, he-he would have told me about-"

"Exactly! He would have told you about his marriage if it were normal right? But that's the whole point of blackmail! You don't exactly start TALKING about it!"

_Oh em gee…shut up…_

"Well it's not…that's just…" England lost as anger as he looked down at his hands, his growing concern only adding fuel to the growing fire. Countries began to shout protest as slowly more and more began to come to the same conclusion.

"Those two hate each other!"

"And America would be stupid enough to fall for blackmail." China spoke as he leaned back in his chair. Russia hit the table.

"I told you already it is political!" However his protests were drowned out by the growing voices all around.

America rubbed his face as he peeked out from his fingers. This was the last thing he wanted. He seriously didn't need the world getting all up in his affairs.

Especially while calling him an idiot.

Why couldn't Russia be the idiot?

Why was it that _he_ was blackmailed? Why couldn't Alfred be the evil mastermind for once? Or did everyone just forget about the cold war when he was able to stand his own against a WHOLE FREAKIN UNION of countries? But no, apparently that didn't matter. Apparently he was just a gullible idiot of just-

And that _look _that Arthur was giving him. It was so full of disappointment and, could that be pity?

_Good. Just what I wanted. A limey's pity. And now I'm about to go to war with the freakin world against my housemate. That is going to make for some awkward dinner conversation._

"Well we can't just leave him out to dry-"

"If he was stupid enough to get in this mess then let him deal with it!"

_'Oh hey Russia, how was your day? I cooked some chicken and cherry pie.'_

"What could Russia even blackmail him with?"

"Oh, what kind of question is that?"

_'Oh, nothing much new. I just had big fight with France and Germany. And some of the Baltics. Lots of blood. You pass me some of that pie yes?'_

"Well it clearly wasn't political, since they're both in debt."

"Why would Russia want a dying country anyway?"

_'I know. I was on the Western boarders fighting today. I kind of took one of your platoons out.'_

"And a fat one."

"Well yah, that too."

_'Well don't get on your high horse, because I-….this pie is cold.'_

_'What?'_

_'I said my PIE is COLD!'_

_Russia slaps America across the face as the other falls to the ground, holding his left cheek, crying._

_'B-but I though you liked-'_

_'DAMN it woman I don't ask MUCH-'_

_And then like, there would be this crazy domestic abuse scene and-_

America's eyes snapped open.

_Wait, why am I the woman in my own daydream? And when the HELL have I EVER made-this is- THIS IS-_

"ENOUGH!" He screamed, slamming his hands on the table as he stood. The room went suddenly quiet as he clenched his hands into fists, "This…this is ridiculous! And you!" Alfred pointed at Russia, who stared at him wide eyed.

"Me?"

"I baked that pie with love you selfish, freeloading dick."

"….what?"

"Shut up!" The room jumped slightly as he moved his gaze towards the rest of them. His muscles shook, his breathing shaky, "You want to know? You want to know WHY we did this?"

Gilbert crossed his arms.

"Uh, yah."

"Fine! I'll tell you why! It's because of the money! It's always about the money." The room was silent as he took his hands off the table, his look stern, "It's about the consumer goods. It's about the natural goods. What does Russia have? What good things have come out of Russia since the fall of the Soviet union? Cars? Phones? I don't think so. I don't think any of us can name **anything** that he's made that we've actually paid money to have. But what about me? Huh? What about me!"

The countries looked at one another before looking back at the American. His mind was turning. Planning. Plotting.

"Where are your phones from huh? Your computers? Your movies? I make one blockbuster, and suddenly all of you clamor to get the rights? I make one CD, and the next month it's all over your radios! For all the trash talk you guys give me, you sure as hell always want to be like me! Because in the end, who's the cool trendsetter here? Who's influencing all your young money while you're all assing around at your day jobs? It's me!" Alfred dug into his pocket and pulled out his sunglasses, throwing them on the table. "I start wearing aviators, suddenly all of you own a pair! I tell you which singer is really cool, and suddenly she's all over your magazines! I'm the rule setter people. I'm the one who tells you what you should buy. And you know what the next big thing is? It's this guy."

Alfred pointed his thumb at Russia, who now sat beside him, his face full of confusion as the other continued.

"I'm talkin food chains, business rights. Hell, stuff made in Russia? It's gonne be all over Hollywood. And you know it's only good if it's from the legit country, known of that knock off stuff. I'm creating jobs people, factories. I'm talkin small business' now booming with tourism. Because you know as soon as I do it, as soon as I get my people on it, YOU'RE people are gonna be all over it. And what do I get? I'm not doing this out of pity. I get what I always want. Dirty, cheap resources."

"N…now hold on-" Germany began, but Alfred just cut him off. He was on a roll. He had everyone listening to him; and wasn't that how it should be?

"I don't need to waste my time and money anymore. What this guy owns I get first dibs to. And you know what I want to do with all of _OUR_ oil? _OUR_ coal? I want to hold off on it. Keep it piling up. Keep it in the family. I don't think I liked how you guys started dissing me, so from now on, all of those resources are only getting shipped to American soil-"

"That's suicide. Russia will lose the majority of his income if he only sells to you." South Italy scoffed, his arms crossed. But America just laughed. And laughed.

"Well yah maybe, but see I wasn't done." He then looked to his brother, who had a blank expression on his face, "Hey Mattie, how's bout I give you the rest of Niagara falls in exchange for your oil, gas, and coal production."

"That's ridiculous-"

"That's not a trade!" Others spoke out as America shrugged.

"Come on. That's a lot of electricity you could use. And I know how your hydro bill is always through the roof."

"I can't give you my oil Al…" The other spoke softly, but America continued on.

"Well, how about then we agree that you do the whole business through me then." Matthew stared at his brother and, as if catching on, gave a small nod.

"Only if I get a share-"

"Well yah, it's your stuff-"

"No, of his." He nodded towards Russia who continued to look confused (and slightly concerned.)

"DONE!"

"This is stupid-"

"Alfred what is the point?" Britain asked, his look mimicking Russia's as Alfred just chuckled.

"Uh, duh. Seriously? No one? I have the two largest countries now only selling their oil and natural goods exclusively through me."

"Then we won't _buy_ it from you." Gilbert remarked. China began to chuckle. Alfred continued.

"Who says you won't? Or, I'm sorry, did you just forget how much natural resources comes out of Canada and Russia each year, and how many of you actually buy it? Ukraine can't be your middle man anymore since he won't sell through her. And sure, you can go to like, Iceland or whoever for your oil, but I mean Ice, can you seriously support 200 countries worth of oil demand?"

The country went pale as all eyes went to him, then the other few resource rich countries. All started to sweat as they began to fully understand the situation.

"Yah, seriously dudes. Plus you have to pay for shipping and handling, which I don't know if you know this, but oil and stuff is freakin heavy. But hey, if you come to _me_ I can cut you a good deal. We can work something out." Laughter began to ring throughout the room as the others then turned to China, who clutched his stomach.

With a breath he shook his head and looked at Alfred.

"And I thought you were a lost cause! You did learn something from that heartless man you call a father! It seems good business can run in the blood." He chuckled some more and wiped his tears, "I like the game you play Alfred Jones. If you give me 8% of the profit, and rights to create some of these 'upcoming goods' you spoke of, then I can promise you my exclusive business in your oil and gas industry."

"China!"

"Wait-but-" Alfred laughed obnoxiously and threw his arms in the air.

"There! There you have it!" He leaned on the table once more, his face however turning suddenly very dark and serious. "Ladies and gentleman I now own half of the world's oil AND I have the highest paying customer. Maybe I'm not as dumb as I look, and maybe this just goes to show you shouldn't mess with me." He then stood back at his full height and grabbed his jacket off his chair.

"Come on Ivan, you're taking me to Dairy Queen."

"But..I…-" But the Russian could not protest as he was instead dragged out of the room. There was silence. Dead silence. Until they left and the doors closed behind them. Then there was chaos.

vv

"Alfred."

"Yah."

"We were going to Dairy Queen, yes?"

"Yah dude." Alfred shoved his face against the glass to get a better look.

"So…question. Why are we in pet store?" He looked around, "In Canada?"

"Peeps would be lookin for me in Germany and back home dude. No one would look for me in Canada. No one ever comes to Canada."

"True but…is still odd." Russia gazed around at all the different creatures. On one wall were rows of fish tanks, and beside that glass windows with different birds. Ivan pouted and tapped Alfred's shoulder. "And when will we discuss what happened in the meeting?"

"Later dude. Busy. Animals." Alfred watched as one guinea pig danced and squealed as it ate its hay. He sipped loudly on his coke.

"Do you guys need any help?"

"It is important America. All you said about the consumer goods and oil and…it was quite…well not brilliant, you are incapable of that I am afraid."

"Har har dude."

"Um, excuse me?"

"But it was well thought out. And here I thought you lacked the mental capability to be able to think through these sorts of things."

"Yah…I didn't catch that. All I heard was 'oh Alfred, you are so cool. If we weren't both incredibly repulsed by each other I would be on you like fleas on a homeless dude."

"Hello? Excuse me?"

"…I was meaning to get you a flea collar while we were here. That and see if they can get you fixed."

"Seriously. I'm so hot I could kiss myself dude."

"Sir the glass. You're getting it all smudged."

"Though, for that your balls would have to drop first."

"Can we please leave my balls out of this?"

"You guys suck."

Both turned to the female employee who first gave a shocked, then annoyed expression.

"Oh yah, sure, now you hear me."

"What? Sorry. I could not hear you over my companion's cellulite."

"Man! Dudes don't get cellulite!"

"….I know."

"I'm going to take this as a 'no, we don't need help'." Alfred raised his hand.

"Actually I do."

She sighed.

"Sir, you've been here twice already. I'm obligated to ask if you need help, however I now have my…hesitations."

"Why?" Russia asked as he taped his lips, "He has been here before?"

"Yah. And he tried to catch the goldfish with his bare hands."

"Dude, you dared me."

"With sarcasm." The girl whined slightly, "Man, I almost lost my freakin job!"

"And the second time?" She looked at Ivan with a frightened expression.

"I'm not legally allowed to talk about that."

He laughed and looked at Alfred, who was transfixed once more on staring at a gecko.

"Yah. We won't go there."

"What? Did he kill someone?" The girl looked away.

"I'm…not allowed to legally discuss that."

"….huh."

Ivan's mental notes:

-Find out what America did in a petstore in Canada to traumatize an employee

-Fill America's bed with crickets.

"…I would like to buy some crickets-"

"OHMYGODBRAGINSKICOMEHERE!" Ivan then had his face promptly shoved against the glass as Alfred breathed heavily, "Dude…dude CHECK IT."

"I see a rock…and a reptile creature." Ivan smiled and giggled, "You're breath smells like death~"

"Dude…dude this lizard it's…it's…HEY! HEY!"

"I'm right here sir-"

"YOU! LADY! WHAT IS THIS!"

"S-stop shouting and I'll tell you."

"I'LL SHOUT WHEN I WANT NOW SPEAK FEMALE!"

"It's a bearded dragon."

Said dragon was still a young one, small enough to sit in your hand. It raised its own hand and placed it on the glass, similar to that of a small puppy.

Alfred placed his hand on the glass and felt a connection.

A deep, loving connection.

One between man and beast that no other could break.

Some only feel this in a fleeting moment.

He however, had the opportunity to hold onto it for a lifetime.

"Dude. I have the weirdest boner right now." He whispered.

But didn't.

Russia just stared at him as Alfred turned to the employee.

"I'll take him."

"Yah, no." Alfred shot up.

"What the hell-why not?"

"I'm allowed to deny service if I don't think it's in the animal's best interest. And frankly, what you just said doesn't exactly have 'good pet owner' written all over it."

"But, that was a joke!"

"Your mouth says no, but your body says yes."

"But-I-dude I am NOT leaving this story without this lizard."

"No."

"But-IVAN!" Alfred grabbed the other country, "If you love me, you'll get it."

"That is the thing, I **don't **love you. I do not even like you that much."

"Ivan, I'll cry. I swear." Ivan pouted.

"I don't care. Why are you acting so strange?"

"But I want it! I want it!"

"No! stop it!" Alfred then began lightly hitting the other and whining. Ivan let a high pitched whine out of his own throat as he guarded himself against the sad attempt at an attack. The woman just stared.

"Aren't you guys grown men?"

"Stop it please!"

"I want it now! Ivan buy it now!"

"Buy it yourself!"

"But I have no moneeeeyyy!" He then began to cry childishly and overdramatically, much like a four year old. Ivan whined louder and shook his head.

"No! I do not like lizards!"

"But I just-"

"No stop it!"

"Enough!" Both turned to another, different woman in uniform who glared at the two, "Just buy it or get out."

"But-"

"No buts. You're scaring away business."

Both countries looked at each other.

And then, half an hour and $300 later, Alfred and Ivan sat in the back of a car; Ivan holding the tank and supplies in his lap, Alfred with the lizard in his.

The American opened the box and peeked inside at his new prize.

It licked its eye in return.

_Damn it feels good to be a gangster_

/

*flips table* what? I don't even know. That employee was me. I didn't know how to end this chapter, so I made Alfred buy a pet. I hope it was at least kind of funny.

Oil thing and China- apparently China is now a big spender and all the countries at lining up at his door with flowers asking if he will buy oil from them. Matthew is trying really hard to suck up to him since he kind of needs the cash (but Alfred is all like 'outta my way sucka!' and Russia is all like 'pffft. I live next door')

My trip- It was awesome. I went to China for five days, then Mongolia for five days, then Russia for two weeks. I got to practice my Russian, especially since I had to go to the hospital.

Guess what?

NO ONE SPEAKS ENGLISH

Which is fine, except when you think you might die and all the lady can say is 'we cut you now, yes?'

Basically I got kidney stones. It's all good now though. Was scary as hell at the time (plus I was with a tour group and they had to leave me behind, so the next day I had to find an airport and buy a ticket to St. Petersburg in order to meet up with them). It makes for a neat story. I'll tell the whole one some time.

For now I am WICKED TIRED but I updated because I love you.

Tell me what you liked and didn't like people. It's the only way I'll ever learn.

Also, any beta readers out there wana be my editor?


	11. These hands of mine

UH. THIS CHAPTER GETS DARK. LIKE…really dark. Like 'huh…wait…WHAT?!' so yah. Just a heads up. This story is rated T for teen. Um…the rest is kind of filler but more…small bits of information that I wanted to put in the story but didn't know where. So yah. It's a pointless update. On the upside, BACKSTORY YAY! Plus it's an update so be happy =_=

If you want to read something happy. Don't read this chapter...I'm torn actually about not putting it in here but you know what? It just came to me. If it's REALLY bad and you guys hate it I'll scarp it and make a new update that is super shiny? ok? :D

I don't own Hetalia.

/

"So here we are. Left in the neck of the woods with no leads."

"Hm~ But we are not in the woods, correct?"

Alfred licked his spoon greedily and shrugged. He was getting used to Ivan's 'pretending not to know what Alfred just said but actually knowing but just pretending in order to be a jerkass'.

"And now the press won't stop hounding us."

"If I remember, that was because of you-"

"But I totally saved your ass so just shut the hell up Braginsky." Ivan pouted as he rested his elbows on his knees, his chin in his hands as he watched the children and young adults play in the park.

They were somewhere…_American_. But that much was obvious.

_When can we go to my home? Why are we always at America's house? _

"So when is it that we will be going to my house?"

Alfred took another spoonful of his ice cream. He adjusted his super-secret sunglasses (since they had to be undercover or else the paparazzi would be all over them).

"Uh, hopefully never."

"Ohhh, you are so cold." Ivan pouted, poking America in the leg. It was hard.

_So he does have some muscle under his grandiose amount of fat._

"Yah. Which is why I don't want to go to your house. It's like, negative fifteen there right?"

"Alfred it is summer."

America took another spoonful.

"So…negative ten?"

"Hmm. I wonder how much I can poke your leg before it liquefies?"

America ignored him.

It was best to ignore Ivan when he was being 'weird-stupid-creepy'.

_So like, always._

"Man, this whomps. I can't remember the last time I had so much paper work. And I can only shove so much of it on Johnson before he realizes that I'm just making him do my job. Hell, if he was just allowed to forge my signature I would be golden."

Ivan got bored (since America didn't notice him now poking him with a sharp stick) and got up to check out the surrounding park near the bench.

Alfred continued.

"And then, oh and then, we have to have that meeting with the senate. Because apparently all that BS I just made up wasn't in the 'report' so now we have to run it by them," He rubbed his eyes, "And like, I don't even know why because it's said and done and it's all over TV now. You get me?"

Ivan walked back over to Alfred and, after grabbing his ice cream and setting it down, picked up Alfred and carried him to the other side of the park.

America sighed.

"I just want a break you know? These past few weeks have been nuts. And has it even been a month yet?" Alfred slapped his own face, "It hasn't even been a mother fu- good GOD! I've gotten thrown into an evil plot, engaged to my arch rival, married, then gone to a world meeting in less than a month!"

Russia set America down on a see saw.

America groaned.

"Maybe I should just blow my brains out. It's been a month and still not a single clue as to the douch that did this."

Russia walked to the other side and placed his hands in his pockets, squatting down.

"Least then I wouldn't have to listen to your constant whining." Alfred sighed.

Ivan nodded, then jumped an unhumane distance into the air, landing on the other side of the see saw. This, of course, sent America up into the air.

He flew for a bit, staring up at the clouds, then the ground underneath.

_So this is how superman feels._

_But, probably without the impending pain._

Russia laughed gleefully as Alfred then came crashing down into a tree, causing said tree to scream out and then fall to the ground.

Ivan ran over, holding his sides in laughter.

"Y-you are so fat! You broke the tree!" He squealed, falling to his knees.

Now normally Alfred would have been up in a second. He would have grabbed that red communist pig by the scruff of his neck, make him eat his own scarf, then he would beat the snot out of him for not only causing him pain, but for also hurting that tree, and humiliating him in front of his citizens.

But Alfred wasn't up to their usual mind games.

No, he just felt kind of…dead inside.

He stared up at the clouds and sighed again.

_This is my life._

_vv_

After being incredibly disturbed by Alfred's not trying to beat the crap out of him, Ivan took the young nation to the Queen of Diary in order to cheer him up (not that he paid for the meal or anything. In fact he told Alfred to order whatever he wanted – Alfred becoming rather excited by this- before saying 'oh no, I'm not paying' as soon as the order was complete_._ And of course we all know how much the boy can eat, so let's just say it wasn't cheap).

So they went back to the house with the American in an even worse mood than he started in.

He slammed open the door and made a B-line to his room.

"But where are you going my little fried friend? You promised to take me to the 'clubbing' people, yes?"

Alfred spun around and glared with all his might at the other.

"First of all, that was in passing when I was in a good mood. Second of all, it means dancing, not hitting people you sick, twisted, masochistic, evil-" Ivan smiled.

"Yes? Go on?"

"Filthy, no good, rotten, upholstery, perverted, freakin old, piece of garbage!"

Ivan suppressed a giggle as he held his own lips.

"Did, you just say upholstery?"

"IS WHAT I'M GONNA DO TO YOU IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME SOME SPACE BRA!"

Russia then blinked, actually surprised by the word.

"Bra? How am I a bra?" Alfred spazzed then walked straight up to Ivan and pointed his finger at his face.

"Stay away from me. You've been making my life a hell for these past few weeks and I need a break, got it?" Ivan pouted and shrugged.

"Ah, if you feel that way darling-"

"I WILL BREAK YOU-"

"Yes yes, of course. Fine, go. Leave me here. All alone." Ivan sniffled and pretended to wipe his tears away, "With no one here beside me."

"Take your stupid movie references and get out."

"…To where? The living room?" Ivan looked over at the couch, "Ohhh. I am sentenced to 'the couch'."

And Alfred was going to make a comeback, he really was.

But he just wasn't in the mood.

He wasn't in the mood for any of this trash.

So he did the ol 'cop out' and just gave Russia the finger.

The taller man stared bordly at it.

"Really Alfred? That is the best you can do?"

"Screw off."

Ivan frowned.

"You must be very sick, if you cannot even swear at me." America then stormed up the stairs and to his room, Ivan calling after him.

"And now you are acting like Gilbert!"

The door slammed shut behind him.

Ivan crossed his arms and gave a sigh of his own, looking down the hall.

Now what could he do?

Without America to tease, life suddenly became rather dull again.

_Not that I am happy to be sentenced to a life of misery with this foul child._

But, it made life entertaining. And less lonely.

After the fall of the union, Ivan would just work.

Work, and knit, and hunt, go to plays…

Sure, he would see his people, but he didn't go to parties (he wasn't invited).

And he didn't usually 'hang out' with people (he was never asked).

The large nation gave a little pout as he walked over to the television room. What depressing thoughts. And what point was there to be depressed? Life was nice now that he had a house mate! Sure, he had to put up with America being a total slob (not to mention being incredibly intolerant to other ideas. And acting like a total child. And not getting his work done on time…) but overall it was nice to have someone to talk to. And better yet, that person was someone who didn't mind playing with Ivan!

Most people were too afraid to play games with him, but Jones was always up to the challenge.

Ivan sat down on the couch and smiled.

_At least he is always so energetic. And his reactions, oh they are priceless! Perhaps I should be doing the 'operation Texas style' sooner rather than later? Yes that would be good._

His smile turned slightly dark as he mauled over what it would be like.

_Ohhh. Or maybe I should- no, it isn't time for that yet. I should give him a few more chances before 'Plan B'._

"Sir?" A floating cup then came in front of the Russian, snapping him out of his thoughts.

Well, the cup was floating, save for the hand attached to it.

_Oh, it's a person._

Ivan turned his head to see a familiar man in sunglasses.

_It's that American. Who tried to shoot me with a paintball._

Ivan smiled widely as he tilted his head.

"May I help you? What was your name? Dog man? Servant boy?"

"Johnson. And this tea is for you." Ivan gasped and grabbed the cup, smelling the fragrance from it.

"Oh how lovely! Did Alfred send it as an apology for his horrible stench? I am afraid even this lovely- most likely poisoned- tea cannot hope to compensate for it."

Johnson remained unphazed, but just stood there.

_Impressive._

"Do you just come whenever you are beckoned? Not even Ivana does that. She has her own house, she does not live with me. You are basically a slave then? How sad, for Alfred always brag of this 'free country' of his."

The American shook his head slightly.

"No, I get paid. I also don't live here, I just live close by. Consider me 'on call'. Besides, I don't mind, he's my friend." The man then smiled a bit.

Russia hummed slightly to himself before turning fully to the other.

"So why is it you consider him a friend? Is it because he can eat the same amount as an elephant? Or can you use his blubbery body as a flotation device?"

Johnson twitched slightly.

_Ohh~ Showing your weakness so soon? Poor boy._

"He's always been my friend. I come from a long line of-"

"Johnsons?"

"Yes. A long line of men and women who have served America personally."

Ivan crossed his legs and took a sip of his probably poisoned tea.

"How interesting. And tell me, why is it you are wearing sunglasses indoors?"

"I have sensitive eyes." The other said (with, was that a slightly blush?). Ivan chuckled.

"How very amusing. Well, your mother and father must be very proud of you mister American boy." Johnson looked away for a moment.

"My mother is gone. My father died in the war." Ivan perked up happily.

"Oh? Really?"

_Judging by his age…_

"Yes. And if that is all, I need to get back to some paper work-"

"You mean Alfred's paper work? Or should you go comfort your dear country? I do believe he is upstairs sulking." Johnson looked at the Russian, then towards the stairs. Without another word he made his way up the stairs and out of Ivan's line of sight.

The other took another sip of his lukewarm tea.

_Perhaps I will have to do some investigating. Oh this will be fun. 'Loads of fun' as they say-_

His thoughts were then disrupted though by a cat that walked in front of the television set. It was fluffy with a large ring of fur around its neck, giving it the look of a mock lion. It looked over at him and glared. Ivan stood immediately and smiled at the creature.

"Kitty? Have you come to visit me?"

The cat hissed and tried to run away. Ivan snatched it off the ground and held it close to his chest.

"Oh what a fat little darling you are!" It snarled and spat as he crushed the life out of it, "You are just the cutest little thing~ and by cute I mean ugly." The cat then began to cry out in pain as the held it away from him and shook it.

"See how much fun we're having? Come! Let us play dress up and then give you to your master!" The cat groaned in response as Ivan made his way out of the room.

_Now where did I put my sewing kit?_

_vv_

After a long day of harassing Alfred and his now traumatized cat, Ivan snuggled into his smelly, American bed.

For something made for the greasy, fat slobs of the US, the bed was not half bad. He gave a sigh and relaxed, willing sleep to come to him.

To drift around through his thoughts, and bring images or sweet smelling flowers and bees.

Of fields upon fields on sunflowers.

And all his friends there with him.

Gardening and having fun.

Digging into the earth with little shovels.

Ripping the soil up. Sweat running down the back.

Fingers stressed. Brows twitching.

Birds cawing in the background.

Muscles spazzing.

Cool water.

Dry throat.

Stinging eyes.

Heavy breaths.

And something warm, and soft in a cold and harsh place.

And the stones beneath his feet are clammy and unloving.

And the walls around him are dark and unforgiving.

And the life in his hands is trembling. But he coos to it. He sings to it.

'Do not be afraid little one. Do not be scared. You and I are the same. We are lost here.'

But the shadow that casts itself over his own is so

Tall

Tall

Tall

And it eats up his little shadow. It eats him up. This man.

'What is it you have there little Rus?'

He smiles down at the trembling in his hands. This little ball of fluff. He is not afraid. He is happy.

'This is my friend.'

The other makes a noise. A sweet noise. He crouches down because he is so

Tall

Tall

Tall

Compared to Rus. And his eyes are dark and

When Rus looks into them, they go on forever.

'What is his name? This friend of yours?'

Rus tilts his head and scrunches his mouth. He has to think. What is a good name for this little one?

'I do not know. I haven't thought of one.'

The other goes 'hmm'.

And the

Tall

Tall

Tall

Man says to Rus: 'Do you love him?'

And Rus says : 'Yes. I love him very much.'

And the man with eyes of eternity places his hand on the

Small

Small

Small

Boy and puts his mouth very close to his ear.

His breath tickles.

'If you love him, then kill him.'

The boy blinks, then glances towards the man.

The hand on his shoulder then gets tighter and tighter and tighter

And it hurts.

He stares down at the trembling life in his hands and suddenly, there are tears in his eyes.

Because it isn't trembling.

He is.

But the man's grip just gets tighter and tighter and tighter until it is crushing Rus' shoulder. And it

HURTS

But the man won't repeat himself. Because he never repeats himself.

He doesn't need to.

So instead he places his free hand on the child's. And the boy lets out a sob as he shakes his head.

'Please don't make me'

Because the pain didn't matter. He would rather die than kill his friend.

But it just

HURTS

And the left hand begins to crush and break while the right hand gently folds over the smaller hand.

And Rus cries. And he asks to stop.

He asks not to.

And

IT HURTS

His vision is white and cloudy as the gentle hand closes his two together.

And he shakes his head and cries.

But he doesn't push away.

_WHY _doesn't he push _AWAY_

And he _trembles_

Like the fluff in his hands before

It _crushes_

And he can _feel_ its pain

And its life

As it stops trembling.

And the

Tall

Tall

Tall

Man stands back up and rustles Rus' hair. He chuckles.

He laughs.

'Look what you did Rus.'

Monster.

And the child doesn't want to, he can't, but he does

And opens his hands to see the

_MONSTER_

Ivan screamed and bolted upright in his bed, staring at the darkness in the room.

The thing that wasn't there.

The tall man in the corner.

He grabbed something on the desk-anything- and threw it at the imaginary figure.

Because it was HIS fault! It was HIS fault!

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! IT WAS ALWAYS YOUR FAULT! I NEVER HURT ANY-" His voice caught in his throat as he let out a sob.

But he didn't touch his face, because they were still covered in blood, weren't they?

He cried out and fell onto his bed, wrapping himself up in the blankets until he was in a safe cocoon.

And he cried.

And he cried.

Because he was a monster.

/

…

…..

…..

ANGST.

WHY?! ;A;

Where did that even come from?! I mean for it to be like, kind of funny this chapter but I didn't mean for it to be so FREAKIN DARK. GOOD GOD. Ok, next chapter is gonna be funny again. I promise.

Uh….yah. wow. Please review like always. Can you see the video game reference I made? Yah…

This is sad man.

I'm gonna go be ashamed of myself and hug Russia and cuddle him for about an hour

k tanks.


	12. Don't mind me

Hey guys! Here is another update because A) the last one was really sad and B) it's a little 'sorry for never updating' update.

A big thank you to my new beta reader SEK! Thanks bro~

I don't own Hetalia

vvvvvvvvvv

Alfred clicked angrily as his thumb burned like a thousand evils.

"And then, pfft, yah, and THEN I wake up to like, a freakin howler monkey. I swear to god I am going to strangle him in his sleep. Like, I'm just going to go in there-"

"Uh huh."

"-And I'm going to go right up to him, when he's all quiet and sleepin' and-"

"Yah."

"-And then BAM! Shot gun in the face-"

"Which is what YOUAREGETTINGRIGHTNOW!" Yong Soo jumped up and slammed his controller onto the ground in a victory like fashion. The television screen, which was divided into two, held on the top a picture of a zombie frolicking around joyfully after eating a man's face.

The bottom screen showed a very dead man.

That being Alfred.

"FU-DAMN IT!"

"I win! I win da-ze!"

"You- You freakin Koreans and your games!" Alfred threw his controller on the ground angrily, grabbing a juice box in one hand and a handful of chocolate raisins in the other.

Comfort food.

_For having my face eaten off._

South Korea sat back down and bounced around happily.

"That was fun! And now another game! Let's play another!"

"No. No more left for dead-"

"Then lets play World of Empires, or Starcraft-"

"NO! No god damn STARCRAFT! Never again!"

The Korean whined and crossed his arms and legs, as if thinking this over carefully.

"Hmm, no good huh? Then why not Amnesia? Ohhh~ scary-"

"On. It's on. Stick it in there kid. But you have to play."

Yong Soo scrambled to the box of (a ridiculous amount of) video games and began to throw the cases this way and that in order to find his prize.

The southern Korea had come to visit because he had a meeting with the United States earlier that day.

It was the usual.

Their leaders met. Alfred and Yong Soo sat there and nodded along as the two went back over the usual trading agreements, and the amount of Korean students that were going to study in America. (Yong Soo actually brought some with him.

One boy Yong Soo had claimed was 'carry on luggage', which Alfred found hilarious.

But customs has no sense of humour.)

And after the bore fest Alfred said he would 'take Yong Soo out to dinner'.

Which involved them getting spicy Korean food and ice cream in order to pig out and play video games.

And have a sleep-over. Did he mention the sleep-over? Whenever the Korean visited they always had sleep-overs.

Which is totes fun. Except when he tries to feel me up at night.

Alfred watched as Yong Soo continued to throw video games everywhere.

_I seriously need to talk to him about that._

"Uh, hey… Dude-"

"FOUND IT!" The other screamed as he ripped the case out of the box and held it up like the holy grail.

Alfred clamoured over and shoved the disk into the gaming system.

They then curled up on the couch beside each other and stared wide eyed as the screen loaded. Alfred clapped off the lights.

Then Yong Soo laughed and clapped them on. And then from there they had a clapping contest (since they kind of brought out the spaz in each other).

Finally after clapping for half an hour, the two got down to business.

Running and screaming from monsters.

"Did you ever ask why he was screaming?" Yong Soo asked as the character sat peeing himself in a corner. Alfred shrugged and shook his head.

"Naw. I just ignored him, then the next morning found him passed out drunk in the kitchen. I'm assuming this is a normal thing with Ivan." South Korea hummed as the character then peeked out around the corner.

"You know him better than I do."

"Don't say that bro. Just…don't."

"Kay."

A monster popped up from behind and ate the character's face. Both countries watched in disgust and amusement as the man screamed. Alfred coughed lightly then got up.

"Well on that happy note, I have to take a piss."

"Kay. Have fun."

And so Alfred went on his merry way.

He went into the bathroom, rubbing his eyes as he closed the door behind him and B-lined straight for the toilet. After getting ready (and all that) he stared at the wall in front of him and thought, like he always did while performing the usual routine, that he should put a picture there.

_Or something to read…_

_Maybe a Mad lib._

_Or some kind of picture to mess with Ivan._

After deciding to put a picture of the moon landing there, Alfred zipped up his pants and flushed, going then to the sink.

Because he always washed his hands. Arthur had taught him that much.

He soaped up his hands, rubbed them together, rinsed them in the sink. He looked in the mirror to the large bath behind him, stared at the nice tile, made eye contact with the Asian chick insi-

Alfred screamed and spun around, for a split moment thinking that China had broken into his house and was now in his bathtub.

Ok, either China or someone else. The first making him scream, the second making him want to jump in the bath too.

Neither option stared back at him, only someone with a bored look on his face as he held a dainty cigarette between his fingers. America screamed again and pointed at him, as if that would get across to the other his feelings.

Either that was a man in his tub, or the ugliest chick he had ever seen.

The Asian man took a drag from his cigarette, then crushed it in the cigarette holder on the ground. He exhaled through his nose, never breaking eye contact with Alfred.

Finally he spoke.

In Russian.

"_What_?"

"W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT?! What the F*CK do you think you're doing in my BATHROOM NORTH KOREA-"

"_This bath belongs to me now_."

"IT DOES NOT YOU CRAZY BASTARD-"

Someone knocked wildly on the door.

"America? Alfred what is it?"

"DUDE! YOUR FREAKIN'- I- What IS THIS?!" South Korea opened the door and looked inside, immediately jumping at the image of his (naked) brother in the bath.

And then, well, then he began speaking Korean to Hyung Soo. And of course Alfred's Korean was... Well... Almost non-existent.

"Hey, speak English." South started talking frantically and bouncing up and down as he spoke, the North visibly becoming irritated by his brother's antics. Finally South looked as if he was going to go into the bath, which caused North to begin to yell at him.

"Ok seriously? English you guys."

Yong Soo squealed and ran at the bath, causing Hyung Soo to get up and shove his brother away from him (which made Alfred scream and cover his eyes at the very naked image of North Korea. Who A) was a communist, B) was the twin of Yong Soo and C) was underage).

America stumbled out of the bathroom where the two younger men continued to talk and yell at each other. Alfred gasped and held onto the wall.

"Russia?! IVAN!" He hollered as he looked back into the bathroom, where South Korea was now undressing and North Korea was becoming very angry-

_OH GOD_

"IVAN! IVAN HELP! THERE ARE NAKED ASIANS IN MY BATHROOM!" America screamed as Yong Soo jumped into the tub. Hyung Soo spat and swore as he grabbed his brother and tried to get him out of the bathtub.

Something crashed upstairs before hurried footsteps ran down the stairs, leading the tall Russian to be in front of Alfred in an instant. And before the American could say anything Ivan pushed him out of the way and dashed into the bathroom.

He then gave an audible 'oh' as he stared at the scene.

Alfred walked back in to see Hyung Soo now grabbing his brother by the hair and snarling at him. America frowned.

"See? See what I mean?"

"Shame," Ivan sighed, "I thought perhaps there were women here." Hyung Soo looked up at the two others and visibly blushed, letting go of his brother and crossing his arms.

"_He tried to get into the bath with me_." He mumbled in Russian. Yong Soo whined and rubbed his hair.

"That hurt! And why do you speak in Russian! You know I can't understand you!"

"_Good."_

"_North Korea, what are you doing in an American bathroom? Are you lost?"_ Russia asked as he came up to the boy. Hyung Soo shook his head and moved his hands, attempting to cover himself.

"_I wanted to visit. I-"_ He looked at his brother and broke into English for a moment, "It is hard to leave. I hid in his bag-"

"I KNEW IT!" South Korea yelled and pointed as the Northern twin mumbled something angrily. Ivan tilted his head and tapped his own lips.

"_But why did you come to visit koshka_?"

"_I came to visit you_."

"Ew. Alright jail-bate. If you're through stinking up my water and using up all of my shampoo, then I would like to kindly ask you to get the hell out of my house." North Korea glared up at America and took a threatening step towards Alfred.

"_I don't know what you just said. But I don't like your tone-"_

"_I said you should get your filthy, communist butt out of my bathroom before I get all up in your oven, Betty Crocker_."

"_Say that again?"_

"_What are you going to do? Nuke me?"_ Hyung Soo spat at Alfred. Alfred spat back (but hit his own shoe, so it was gross and kind of lost its effect).

North Korea then made as if to lunge at him, but Ivan caught him and held him in a bear hug.

"_Now now koshka, you can't just go ripping out his eyes. That is what I do~"_

"Let me at him Braginsky! I can take that little punk down anyday!"

"_Watch your step before I cut you, fried ch-"_

"LISTEN KID-"

"Awww, little koshka. What has you so fired up?" Ivan then proceeded to hum and twirl the very angrily Korean around, making the smaller man blush (and glare at Alfred).

Meanwhile, South Korea stood in his wet boxers with a very confused expression on his face.

"What?"

"There, all better, yes?" Russia placed North Korea back down on the ground. The naked boy looked away but nodded slightly.

America opened his mouth and pointed into his throat, as if to gag.

"Ok. Cool. Now, mind getting dressed because your naked body is totally grossing me out."

Ivan chuckled happily and took off his shirt (much to Alfred's dismay) and put it on North Korea.

Which worked for a moment because the other was so much smaller compared to Ivan.

However, due to his body still being rather wet, the t-shirt then began to stick to him, not leaving much to the imagination.

South Korea frowned.

"That doesn't help."

"Yah, that actually kind of makes it worse bro." Russia smiled at Alfred.

"I think it makes it better! Much better~" Then he smiled.

In a creepy, Russian, creepy, gross smile of-

America gagged.

But luckily the disturbing, awkard moment was broken by Yong Soo suddenly grabbing his brother's chest.

(which in itself is kind of awkward and confusing)

Which made Hyung Soo backhand his brother into a wall.

Which of course made Yong Soo cry out and whine about a lack of love between them and how could his other half be so mean and-

"You know what? I don't even care anymore. I don't care why you're taking a bath in my house. I'm going to go play my video games. And I'm then going to drink this off like last Thanksgiving's dinner."

"Yes yes, we should give the boy his privacy. Come along now." Ivan then picked up Yong Soo and Alfred and dragged them both out of the bathroom. The American sighed and stumbled out, about to ask Ivan why he was so chill with North Korea being there when the door slammed behind him.

Him and Yong Soo.

Not Ivan.

_Oh. I guess they're going to have a little talk._

_Naked._

….

"IVAN!" America screamed and banged on the door angrily, "GET OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW YOU PIECE OF DIRT! Don't you dare even THINK OF- HE'S FREAKIN LIKE, 16 MAN!"

Russia opened the door back up and smiled at Alfred.

Causing Alfred to relax for a moment to think, oh hey, maybe Ivan was just grabbing something and-

And then Russia grabbed the American's nose and twisted it.

Twisted it HARD.

Till it broke.

Before slamming the door once again.

vvvvv

"Then the catapult will go off and BAM! Bye bye Russia. Hope you enjoy Alberta." America chuckled evilly to himself as he drew more sloppy pictures on his already crummy diagram. Yong Soo slept on the couch, dreaming of TV dramas and cute singers while Alfred continued with his ridiculous plots.

"Oh, then, then-" His cat leapt up on the table and purred, digging into his ice cream, "Then I'll get a moose and-"

"What is it that you are drawing my crude little friend? Perhaps it is your next 'big plan' on drilling yourself further into your already absurd amount of debt, that which can only be equated with the size of your gut?"

Alfred slowly turned around in his chair to a very perky Ivan.

He gave him a very cold, unloving look.

"You disgust me."

Ivan pouted.

"Do not be like that. I did not sleep with him-"

"You piece of garbage."

"I did not! Just ask him!" The Russian whined as he folded his arms, "We talked. The boy is very isolated- and has a strange obsession with me. I merely comforted him-"

America gagged.

"UGH! Don't go into the horrible details man! I bet he's all cut up and like, half eaten in your room or something!" Ivan chuckled as he went to the fridge and pulled out-

Surprise surprise

His alcohol addiction.

"Believe me. You would have heard if I had slept with him. Or anything of that nature. Honestly. Your mind is so, as you say, dirty Amerika. Perhaps I should be the one washing it out?"

"Touch my brain and you die."

But Ivan just hummed as he poured himself a good amount of vodka into a shot glass.

The cat nudged the ice cream bowl closer to Alfred, in order to be protected by his master. America reached over and scratched his cat lovingly, cooing to it.

"Don't worry kitty. I won't let the bad man touch you and dress you up in creepy ribbons like last time."

Ivan giggled and raised his glass.

"Oh, I am sorry, did I insult your poorly cared for cat by cross-dressing it and then humiliating it by taking pictures? It was only foreshadowing of what I shall do to you if you do not cease your constant whining and moping around like some teenage girl who has been rejected after throwing herself at her boyfriend like the whore she is."

America just stared at Ivan.

And the…rather large insult.

"Hm? Nothing to say? How strange. Normally I can not shut you up." Russia then tilted the glass and allowed the liquid to pour down his throat. He then wiped his mouth and went to pour another round, however something burned.

Normally his throat did burn after the first shot, however…

However…

This burned all the way down. Right into the pit of his stomach.

Before he could even think twice about it he doubled over, his hand gripping his stomach as he lurched forward, the bile running up into his mouth in a sad attempt to reject what had just gone down.

Alfred smiled as the other proceeded to get sick on the floor, the pain not stopping there though, as he tried to get up.

To get water.

The American grabbed onto the vodka bottle and gave a face of mock surprise as he kneeled down in front of the wounded man.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I replace your vodka with bleach this morning when you were passed out drunk in my house? My bad. But I'll tell you a secret. Out of the 46 bottles you have stashed around the house, I only bleached 5. I thought I'd let you play the guessing game." He laughed as he poured the burning liquid on the Russian, Ivan letting out a grunt.

"That's for keeping me up till three in the morning with your constant screaming Braginsky! That's 1 for AMERICA folks! SUCK IT!"

"Will you girls keep it down?! Some of us are trying to sleep da-ze!"


	13. No man's land

It was dark, like a void. The dusty ground seemed to take in and hide away all the light, save for the soft glow of the moon overhead. It was rather quiet too, nothing heard but the gentle hum of nature. A flower closing, a lizard skittering across the sand. Maybe even a rock shifting its weight down a mountain.

It was quiet and dark in this place.

Well, almost.

Miles away from the nearest road, a car sat patiently humming in the sand. Its great eyes illuminating the driver who worked diligently and silently in the night. The man was tall and muscular, his arms bulging as he continued to throw the sand this way and that. Beads of sweat trickled down his neck. They caught on the edge of his long scarf, which looked incredibly out of place in the scene.

The figure finally stopped his work and gave a sigh, leaning back on his shovel and itching at his undershirt, his regular shirt thrown onto the hood of the car long ago after the desert chill had been replaced by the heat of hard labor.

The man- rather, nation- smiled down at the scene before him.

To the naked eye it wouldn't seem like much. There was just a long lump of sand, not really out of place since the areas around it also weren't exactly smooth and straight. However, in the middle of the ground, if one looked closely, there was a small tube sticking out of the ground.

A cat's smile wormed its way onto Ivan's face.

"And now, we shall play the waiting game."

He walked back to the car, which hummed happily to him. He gave it a gentle pat and reached over the door, glad the hood was down. After searching for a moment he pulled out a bottle of vodka and a smoked fish. He then walked up to the tube, and in the light of the headlights sat down. He gave a light toast to the moon and took a sip.

He then toasted to the earth and poured some vodka down the tube.

He giggled.

Meanwhile, six feet under, Alfred snored happily.

He was having the oddest dream about zombies. Which wasn't that weird, but there was also Sailor Moon in it. And he was all 'Sailor Moon, the hell you doin' in my zombie dream?'

And then she did the transformation sequence (you know, the non 'American censored' one) and then he stopped asking questions.

And just when things were about to get good and slightly R-17-

Something burning splashed his face.

He woke up, spazzing and sputtering before immediately regretting this because he slammed his knees against something hard, and his elbows against walls. He even hit his head too before his brain told his body to 'shut the hell up I'm thinking!'

"UGH-wai-FUC-Wha-OW!" He tried to spaz again (it was a habit).

This resulted in bruises.

He swore again and shot up his head.

It smacked, he swore, tried to punch, broke his hand, screamed and reacted by kicking his leg, slamming his knee-

This went on for about a minute before he stopped, took some breaths and held his mouth shut, remembering what Arthur told him:

_Stop being a bloody spaz and BREATHE DAMN IT_

"Right…right…" He said, slowly pulling his hand away.

Obviously he wasn't in his room.

He felt the wall that was almost touching his shoulders. He tried to stretch his toes, but met something hard. Slowly he raised his fingers above him and poked, finding the ceiling had fallen and now resided a matter of inches from his face.

_Hmm…Rather small. I don't remember telling Johnson to have someone remodel my room to be the size of a university dorm room._

He moved his elbow.

_Well, slightly bigger. Smells like one though._

And that was when he felt his face, and how it was sticky and wet.

And for a brief moment a flash of horror and disgust fell onto his face, before he determined that it couldn't be from any weird sexual mishaps since

A) He would have remembered something like that and

B) He got about as much action as a cactus.

_Then again, I can't really remember how I got into this box-_

_I'M IN A BOX_

"HOLY CR-AH-FU-DAMNIT-GO-_FUC-OW-SHUTHEHELLUP-GYYAAAHHHH!_"

Alfred grabbed a hold of his shoulders to stop his spazzing as he screamed, his elbows and knees now also screaming in pain (metaphorically…I shouldn't have to tell you that)

He kept on screaming until finally a noise from above made him stop.

It sounded like laughing…and snorting.

Of the obnoxious variety.

The American widened his eyes, only now appreciating (and realizing) that he was in complete darkness.

"U-uh…hello?"

The laughing stopped.

"Yes?" Someone said in a rather annoying, stupid accent.

Alfred narrowed his eyes.

"Oh. It's _you_."

"I am sorry, I can not hear you good." America slammed his hands onto the ceiling, pressing his face close as he took in a breath.

"What did you DO?!" He screamed, his anger suddenly hitting him. It took a lot to make Alfred go from spaz mode to super-pissed-eat-your-face-angry. But Ivan had that effect on him.

"Hm? What? I am sorry, I can not hear you very well over the sound of my stomach having to be pumped last Thursday. Perhaps you could be the speaking up?"

America pounded on the ceiling. "Where am I?!"

"_We_ are in…hm..where was it? Let me look around," There was silence for a moment, "I see sand. And sunburnt, shotgun wielding Wal-Mart employees-"

"WHY ARE WE IN TEXAS?!"

"I thought we could use a road trip. Is good for relationships-"

"So you STUCK me in a- Where AM I?!"

"Where everyone eventually goes."

There was a moment of silence.

"Uhh…wait…I got this-"

"Amerika, it is not a hard-"

"It's not Disney World. That ain't in Texas. And since I'm in a box-OH! Am I being shipped somewhere? Like Paris? Most people go to Paris-"

"No it- No Jones, this is not a trick question-"

"Or what about Mexico? Like, _everyone_ goes to Mexico dude." He then began to ramble, now somewhat oblivious to his dire situation.

Russia looked off to the distance, then up at the moon. He was amazed. How could America be so…off? He had to be joking. Any idiot with a brain would have come to the conclusion that they were buried alive. But Alfred kept going, like a child who is guessing where they are going for their birthday.

He seemed almost…_excited._

Ivan frowned and gave off a very menacing, dark look. He didn't want America to enjoy this. So he quickly smiled, clapped his hands, walked back to the car, and grabbed another vodka bottle. The Russian then walked back to the pipe, unscrewed the lid, and smelled it before pouring some on the sand.

"Jones?" He interrupted. America fell silent, "You, knowing basic chemistry, would know that it is easy to tell if an unmarked liquid is a base or an acid, yes?"

Alfred gave a sort of 'psshhaw' noise.

"Oh good. So please tell me." And then he stuck the neck of the bottle into the tube, allowing the liquid to drain down into the box below it. Alfred stared up, blinked, then snorted before the bleach came crashing down on his face.

His unprotected face.

With his eyes wide open.

After the initial shock of 'oh hey, incoming liquid in the eye' he coughed and sputtered. Since hey, bleach in the mouth kind of burned.

And his eyes burned a little, but that was expected.

In fact, it even made him tear up. Those being manly tears of course.

And after rubbing the lumberjack tears away he swore and broke through the wood and punched Russia in the face and made out with his sister-

This, of course, happening in the back of his mind. The part of you that you retreat to when shit really goes down and your sanity is like 'Yeah, no, I'm gonna peace out for a while guys. Hang out back. I'll come back in like, an hour and see how you're doin. K? Alright cool.'

So with his sanity safely playing out a nice little scene, Alfred's body was free to react as it wished to in the current situation.

And that was to screech and make a noise between a howler monkey and a two year old teething.

Crossed with a manic depressive individual who had just been told their family was dead all the while sitting in a room of the corpses of their friends due to zombies eating their faces.

So a, screamy, bawling, scratchy, pissed kind of noise.

Ivan raised his eyebrows.

"I have never heard you make _that_ noise before." He coughed lightly in shock, "In fact, it has been while since I have heard _anyone_ make that noise. Last time was with Gilbert. And before that-"

"_WHY?!_" The thing below bellowed. Russia shrugged and dug into his pocket, pulling out a pack of cigarettes in order to light one. He took one out, brought it to his lips, lit it, then exhaled the smoke.

"I was bored. You were drunk." He kicked some sand into the tube, "Also, I wanted to teach you not to try and play tricks on me little one. You see, I am the one who pulls tricks. Not you."

The thing below continued to howl and scream in pain, its noises thick with tears. Ivan took another drag.

_Perhaps I was a bit too harsh?_

He exhaled.

_Or not harsh enough. I should have put in the spiders. That would have been icing on the cake. Really._

He sighed sadly. He had missed his chance. It wasn't every day you got your arch nemeses buried alive, and now he wouldn't be able to hear him buried alive with spiders.

Some opportunities never show themselves twice.

Alfred coughed angrily, turning his head in order to get sick.

It was gross. And smelly. But it was out of his system.

As his throat began to heal itself he slammed into the ceiling, his voice hoarse but thick, the lump in his throat building from his constant tears.

"B-BASTARD!" He sobbed because-

Ok honestly, you try putting bleach in your eye and not sobbing.

(But seriously don't try that you'll go blind…like Alfred.)

America tried to wipe away the tears and coughed. Russia chuckled above him.

"I should have put a camera with you."

"You a-are t-twisted and s-SICK- a-and-"

"Oh!"

Alfred stopped his insults (happily, since his throat was raw and he could taste the thick blood in his mouth) and listened as the figure above him did not laugh, insult, or chuckle.

It coughed.

Awkwardly.

There was a long moment of silence.

Then Ivan spoke.

"Hello officer."

Alfred tried to laugh, but instead spat up blood (which wasn't funny).

Six feet above him Ivan stood awkwardly, the cigarette dangling from his fingers as the officer in front of him gave him a horrified look. The Russian shifted and put on his best American accent.

"How are you doing on this lovely evening?" The man in front of him looked at the car, then Ivan, then the car, then Ivan once more.

"W-what are you do-doin' out h-here sir?"

"Me? Why, I am just having a lovely night stroll." The officer, who was rather young, shifted uncomfortably.

"Y-you know, m-most fo-folks round here don't go f-for night st-strolls this f-far out sir." Ivan laughed lightly, trying to look American (which was surprisingly hard).

"Yes, but I am, ah, not from around here."

The human gulped.

"W-which st-state?" Ivan laughed and looked to no one as if to say 'what does he mean? Of course he knows which state'.

The man continued to shake in fear.

Ivan laughed again, about to speak when he realised

He had just forgotten American geography.

"A-um," He stalled, coughing, "I am from, um, O…O-"

"Ohio?"

"D-YES! Yes. Ohio. It is lovely."

"And you l-lot just g-go for strolls in-"

"In the middle of the wilderness, yes."

"W-with no o-one else round fo-for miles-"

"Yes," Ivan stressed, now slightly annoyed, "Iz what we do."

There was a pause.

"P-pardon-"

"If you two are done MAKING OUT then would you show me some southern hospitality by GETTING ME THE HELL OUT?!" Alfred screamed, his throat ripping apart from the vibrations.

He swore and held it, giving another hiccup of a sob.

His eyes were still rebuilding themselves. Which hurt like hell.

Ivan and the man stared at the tube, then at each other.

Ivan held up his arms and laughed innocently, as if to say 'Tubes these days, say the strangest things'.

The man however, reached down and whipped out his gun.

Ivan instinctually reached for his own- before realising it wasn't there.

Since you didn't really need a gun when burying teenagers alive.

_...Well shoot._

_Literally._

_Hehe-_

"HANDS IN T-THE AIR!" Ivan raised his hands, his eyes wide as the man took a shaky breath, "N-now I don't kn-know what's goin' on round h-here but it a-ain't funny-"

"Shoot him! Shoot him in the crotch! He deserves it!" Came a muffled yell. The man stared wide eyed at the ground, his hand shaking violently.

"Is…is there someone d-DOWN there?"

Ivan sighed, like a boy caught not doing his homework for the millionth time.

"Yes. Iz man in coffin."

"Yeah yeah, now hop to it! Come on! Dig me up bro!" The man swallowed, his knees shaking.

Ivan shook his head.

Honestly, with this much shaking he should not be wielding a weapon.

"Why are you out here anyway? The road is far away." Ivan mused. The man shook his head.

"I-I saw your lights. A-ain't no one 'round here for miles so th-thought it was a might suspicious." Ivan shrugged, then furrowed his eyebrows.

"So you do talk like that-"

"Ok, don't mind me. Just in a hole. He poured BLEACH on me by the way-" The man almost fell over.

"W-what?"

Ivan kicked sand in the tube.

"Quiet you."

"Yeah! And he got me drunk! I'm under 21 by the way! So just, you know, mark that on with the list of illegal activities!"

The man took one hand off his gun- which screamed bad idea- in order to hold his head. He looked at the ground, then Ivan, who pouted.

"No. Before you ask me, I did not get him drunk and 'feel him up' as you say. I just got him drunk and put him in a hole. There was no touching-"

"I DON'T KNOW THAT! I don't know Ivan, I'm feeling kind of traumatised right now. And drunk! WITH ROOFIES-"

Ivan scoffed at the tube.

"I would not stoop so _low_ as to use that drug. Please. You insult me-"

"And there were hookers!-"

"There were not any hookers, Alfred-"

"You two know each other?" Ivan looked back at the officer in front of him- he was still there?- and gave a kind of shrug.

"In a sense…yes."

"W-wait I think…I think I-" The man gasped and held his gun with both hands once more. He shook his head and took a step back, "I know you."

Ivan dropped his hands.

"Chto?" He asked as the man took another step.

"I-I _know_ you you're…you're-" He gasped, "Is- is that the United STATES in there?!" Ivan perked up in alarm, a smile he usually saved for Belarus appearing on his face.

"W-what? Of course not! D-don't be silly!"

"A-and you're the Russian Federation! Th-that means- WHAT y-you DID-"

"Uh, wait, wait hold up dude. I can hear that you're kind of freaking out-"

"DON'T MOVE!" The man screamed as he waved his gun. Ivan held up his hands once more as the young officer motioned for his radio. Ivan stammered.

"N-no! No need to _call _anyone-"

Alfred's ears perked.

"Wait-wait call someone? Wait dude! CHILL-"

Thunder crashed through the air as a bullet whizzed passed Ivan's head, who jolted in shock.

Alfred screamed from his box, then attempted to laugh.

"N-no dude i-it's cool!"

"Yes! Yes is…is 'cool'-"

"No need to call the cops man! It's all- uh-"

Ivan and Alfred laughed nervously.

"It is what us, ah, nations do! For fun!"

"Y-yeah man! We're just jokin' around-"

"You buried him ALIVE!" The man screamed, his panic in full force as he tried desperately to tune his radio correctly. To call the sheriff.

No. He'd probably need the military.

"MAN IT'S OK!"

"Yes, please be the calming down now-"

"Look man I-"

"Jones, I think would be good if you came out now."

There was a silence as the officer looked up to Ivan in shock and horror.

Then came a groan and a sigh from the ground.

"Fine. Whatever." He coughed and held his fist above the ceiling, "Hey officer dude!"

"Y-y-y-yes?"

"Ever seen Kill Bill?"

The man shook his head.

Alfred shrugged.

"I'll take that as a yes."

And so he played it out in his head like that scene from Kill Bill II. With the whole 'music' thing and like, intense bloody determination and everything.

And as the Mexican trumpets rang true, he punched through the wood, his knuckles cracking and bleeding until it splintered and cracked.

And then he just got fed up and bored and decided to just do it the American way.

"LEEEEERRRROOOOYYY JENKINS!" He screamed, giving a superhuman punch upwards before being hit with six feet of sand. He closed his half burnt eyes before reaching up and climbing desperately through the land.

Up above, the officer stared in disbelief (Ivan in mild amusement) as the sand caved in, a pregnant moment before a bloody hand shot up out of the sand and clawed and crawled up, revealing a man.

A very…well…

This guy had seen better days.

Alfred coughed violently and fell to the ground, throwing up a few times before looking up at the officer.

Or, what he thought to be the officer. He couldn't really see. Everything was blurry, and his eyes hurt like hell.

"Hey." He managed before looking up to Ivan, "Do I look as bad as I feel?"

Ivan grimaced.

"Worse."

America nodded and looked back at the officer, giving him a bloody, burnt smile.

The man took a shaky breath, shook his head, swallowed, then lowered his gun.

Ivan and Alfred let out a sigh of relief.

Before the man booked it.

Alfred groaned and got up.

"Really? Come on. Give me a break."

And then the two chased after him.

Vvvv

Alfred sat on the police bench, a pink blanket wrapped around his figure as he stared at the ground.

Ivan sat beside him, irritated because it was a no smoking environment.

"Just what-what did this ACCOMPLISH?!" One of the senators yelled. Alfred glared at him.

"Dude. I'm in a trauma blanket. Rules state you gotta either give me hot chocolate or leave."

"And the fact of you hiding this from the press- have you LOOKED outside?! They're like vultures! Never mind the fact that we've had to hold the officer here for debriefing, which isn't exactly easy when he's been-"

"Ivan, do _you_ see hot chocolate in this man's hands?" Ivan looked over at the other and sighed.

"I do not, my brain damaged friend. All I see is an outdated issue of Time magazine hiding a more recent issue of Playboy."

The man stared down at the two nations, who stared coldly back.

He then threw up his arms, gave a weird sort of yell, then stormed off, muttering threats under his breath.

Ivan sighed and rolled his eyes. Alfred nodded.

"Politicians right?" Russia looked at him, his lips curving into a smirk.

"He should have been there. I wish I had taken picture, of when you tied up the poor officer."

"Or his face when you joked you were going to put him in the hole."

Ivan smiled, his teeth showing.

"Or the Politicians face when you told him I put bleach in your eyes-"

Alfred lifted a hand to his mouth, trying to suppress a giggle.

"Because I made you drink it."

The two looked at each other, and slowly, like some kind of toxic gas that gets into your lungs and sucks out your breath, they began to chuckle.

And then giggle.

Before snorting.

And finally laughing, each making a small comment to further the fits of giggles. Alfred slapped Ivan's back, and Ivan bellowed a laugh and grabbed his shoulder, giving him a shake.

Soon tears came to their eyes.

And across the hall, the secretary sat, watching it unfold before her eyes.

She then lowered her head into her hands, worrying for the future.

Vvvv

Bonding chapter~

Yeah. Not much going on but, felt I should put that in there. Like, even though they hate each other, they are somehow growing closer, you know? Anyway, just putting that out there.

Also, I was thinking of starting a story...or..not story but...file on where I can just put snippets and junk of stories. like, 'lost chapters' or whatever. let me know what you think.

Love you guys. Review if you can, I'd love feedback!


	14. Mistaken identity

Ugh. Group projects to work on. I hate group projects. We have this one girl as our leader and I feel like it's Nazi Germany all over again.

I don't own Hetalia

vvvvvv

People always ask you where you were when something big happened.

Where were you when Kennedy was shot? When the Berlin Wall fell? During 9/11?

Well, Alfred F. Jones was half naked, sunbathing with his lizard (and giving the neighbor girls something to look at) when he got the news.

From Johnson.

"This better be important dude. That cute Haitian girl is waving at me."

"First of all sir, this is important because it's about the document. Second of all, I don't know if you remember, but she's blind."

America was lowering his sunglasses in order to give her 'the eye' (something he learned from a very drunk Arthur) when he shot his head up to look at Johnson, who just nodded. Alfred quickly plucked his lizard off of himself and held him as he stood up.

"What is it? Do we have a lead? Is it a person-"

"It's not much sir but-" He looked around before whispering to his nation, "We found where it was mailed from. A small town."

"Where? What town?"

"Just outside Paris, France."

Alfred stared at his helper, then at his lizard, then at the cute girl across the street before dramatically taking off his sunglasses.

"Get me on the next plane to France-"

"Sir, we need to think about how we are going to go about thi-"

"Hold Spanky! I got to get the alcoholic for battle plans!"

"SIR!"

But it was too late because America was already inside and running up the stairs, leaving Johnson standing outside. He looked down at the lizard, who just shrugged. He gave a sigh and held up the sheet of paper with the information. He gave it a once over, before setting it on fire (which sounds weird, but seeing as that was 70% of his job it really wasn't).

Meanwhile, America ran up the stairs joyfully, his heart skipping with excitement as he came up to Ivan's door.

"Ivan! Ivan open up!" He banged loudly. But he just couldn't wait. After only one knock he grabbed the handle and pushed it open, almost falling inside as he looked around the room. "Dude we have a LEAD! A FREAKIN LEAD- Ivan?"

But there was no half drunk, passed out body in the room. There wasn't even a half-naked Ivan getting changed (which Alfred had the misfortune to walk in on at one point). Instead there was just a body in the bed.

_Is he still sleeping?_

"Dude. Get your ass up, I got news, seriously," Alfred walked over to the bed, "This is like, the biggest news EVER. Probably the biggest of-of-uh-"

That wasn't Ivan's face on the pillow.

Or his hair.

Or his… Russian Federation-ness.

It was some woman with long blond hair, a strong but shy face, lips that smiled sheepishly and violet eyes that looked into his own.

She looked like Ivan, just-

_Oh my god. It's finally happened._

Alfred fell to his knees.

_It's become a genderbend fic._

The woman opened her mouth to speak, but America just snatched her hand, tears welling in his eyes as he brought her hand close.

"Ivan. Ivan. The most wonderful thing has happened." He sniffed, "You're a woman now."

The woman blushed.

"Now we can have sexual tension and it won't make me want to puke. This is…" He sobbed, "This is the happiest day of my life." The woman shifted slightly, the sheets dragging across her shoulder, revealing the fact that she was topless.

America let out a cry of joy before she reached out with her other hand and patted his cheek.

"I…iz ok." She said in a thick accent as Alfred sniffed and nodded. He leaned into her warm, soft hand and sighed happily. She gave a small chuckle under her breath, her eyes happy and welcoming.

He smiled at her, feeling a kind of tender feeling that he hadn't felt in a long time. Like this building of feelings in his heart. It made him warm and…happy. He felt happy. And loving, a kind of caring. Like he wanted to protect this person.

_Wait….or is this hormones?_

His entire body flushed as he realised he was staring at her almost exposed chest.

_Scratch love. This is hormones._

And then he was on her like bankruptcy on PamAn.

Her skin was just as soft, and his fingers shook as she felt hot to the touch. With one hand he held her head close to his, his kiss deep. She wrapped her arms around him and ran her fingers through his hair, his heart racing because it had been a _long_ time since someone had done that. His free hand traced her back-

Before he was shoved against the wall.

Rather violently.

Enough to make the mirror on the opposing wall fall scream and fall to its violent death.

Alfred stared wide eyed at the less than pleased Russia in front of him.

Then at the woman in the bed.

"…uhh-"

Ivan clenched the towel in his hand (his bare chest and hair still wet from his shower).

"To be honest I am surprised. I did not take you as a man into leftovers."

"….what?"

"_He just walked in and started kissing me. I think he was looking for you. He said your name._" The woman said in Russian, her feet poking out of the covers and waving towards Ivan. Ivan looked at her, then her feet, then did his usual whine and walked to her, grabbing onto her toes.

"_You are so cruel to me. I leave for a moment and you are seducing a poor virgin-_"

"I'm not a virgin!"

"Yes you are." Russia pouted and played with her toes, "_And after I bought you dinner too._"

"_I paid for it._"

"_Hmm. You and I remember last night very differently-_"

"Can I go now? It just became really awkward that I can understand Russian." Ivan turned back around and tilted his head, as if in thought.

"You know, back in my country, if you try to sleep with another man's woman, we make you swim lake Baikal after being the covered in hot tree wax and having been licked by bear."

"I thought you shipped them to Siberia."

"Is in Siberia. So two for one deal."

"Nice."

"_What are you two saying? You know I don't speak English._"

"_I was asking if you were Jamaican. Because you are Jamaican me crazy babe._" America winked.

Ivan didn't.

"Ok. Time for hot wax now-"

"Whoa whoa, listen! It ain't like that!" America held up his hands defensively, his back still to the wall, "I didn't know you and her- Listen, I thought she was you." Ivan blinked.

Then his face kind of broke into a terrifying smile.

"Oh really? Is that why you have come to my room half naked? I must say I am rather surprised-"

"No, I mean-"

Ivan stopped smiling, his face blank.

"No. Really. I did not expect that answer. I am at a loss of words, and how to mock you in this situation." He looked at the woman in bed, then at Alfred, "Did you…first of all she is not a man, I do not know how you are missing this important fact-"

"No! No like- Like, I thought she was a girl-you! That you turned into a girl!"

Ivan looked back at the woman, who now stared at them with curiosity. He tilted his head. She mimicked him.

"I guess… I can see that. Yes."

"Yeah, see? So like, it's not that weird! I just thought, you know, you just… um… became a hot chick."

"And then tried to 'screw'?"

They both stared at each other.

Alfred gave a pained expression, his lip quivering.

"I haven't had sex in 35 years man," He let out a hiccup, "Give me a break." Russia's eyebrows raised as he his mouth opened.

"...really?"

"It's just- it's really hard sometimes you know? To like, not- I don't even know if I remember _how_ anymore!" And then Alfred slapped his face into his hands, a small whine escaping his throat. Ivan stepped back slightly, a look of concern etched across his face.

"I...I see. I apologize I...did now know." Alfred continued whimpering, leaving Russia feeling awkward. So he did the only thing he knew how. Which was 'insert enough physical contact until this situation fixes itself'.

Which is how Alfred found himself in a very awkward hug. Not that he minded, since he was currently in a glass cage of emotion (metaphorically... I shouldn't need to explain this)

"_You told me you two didn't sleep together._" Alfred pulled back slightly to look back at the female Ivan, then at the real Ivan, and his naked chest- and his own naked chest-

He stumbled back and clung to the wall, his body crawling with the grossness of just hugging Ivan while they were both half naked.

_Oh…oh GAWD_

Ivan sighed and wiped the tears off his shoulder.

"_It is true. That is how American's apologize for trying to steal another man's woman._" She gave an 'oh' sound and nodded, pretending as if she already knew that.

America shuttered, then looked back at Ivan.

"Uh...yeah. Let's pretend that didn't happen. Where were we?"

"You said you tried to have sex with who you thought was female me."

"Right."

Awkward silence.

"Can…we just forget that too dude?" Ivan smiled.

"Of course."

"Ok, cool-"

Then slapped him across the face.

"OW! What was that for?!" Russia then pointed his finger at Alfred's face, a glare on his own.

"I am no whore. You will buy me dinner first-"

"But it wasn't even YOU-"

Ivan lifted his hand, causing Alfred to cower.

"OK! Ok! If you ever turn into a chick I'll buy you stuff first!"

"Good." Russia then slapped his hands together, "Now that everything is settled, why are you in my room?"

America rubbed his cheek.

"What? Oh right! Dude there's a new lead. Johnson says the letter was sent from France-"

"The place or man?"

"Place. But come on man. Let's get real. The document was sent from the most perverted nation? Lets be serious."

Russia hummed and tapped his chin.

"This is interesting. I guess we will be needing to go to his house and ask him questions first, yes?"

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Asking questions with my gun-"

"No. No going to France." Both nations looked towards the doorway where Johnson stood, the lizard from before sitting content in his hand, "You have strict orders not to move until proper plans are laid out."

Alfred scoffed.

"Listen kid, this is MY LIFE we're talking about, and someone just screwed it-"

"I don't make the orders Alfred. I think your leaders just don't want you making any rash decisions that could hurt relations with France."

America crossed his arms.

"That, or Ivan and I could just go on a little 'vacation' that happens to be in France. Come on Ivan."

"Sir-"

America walked towards the doorway.

"Later Johnson."

"Sir!"

"I'll send you a postcard-"

"SIR!" Alfred was about to walk out of the doorway when Johnson grabbed his arm and pulled him back. It took a moment for the American to realize that his assistant had just grabbed him since it was rare that Johnson ever tried to stop him from doing something.

America raised his eyebrows, causing Johnson to quickly let go of his sleeve. He instead played with the hem of his own, a soft sigh escaping his lips.

"I just think you should think this through sir. If things go south, it's not only you that could get in trouble."

Alfred snorted.

"It's fine dude. I'll be fine-"

"Just, sir please just reconsider. If you offend France in such a way that it could have a direct negative influence on your people-"

"Again dude, I'll be fine." Johnson smiled a little and shook his head.

"I know you will, but what about us?" He mumbled, the last part quieter than the rest. America tilted his head slightly, his own smile faltering as his helper just sighed again and walked away. He watched him go down the stairs before turning back to Ivan.

Who was smiling.

Alfred glared.

"What are you looking at?"

"It is so cute to see the two of you bonding like father and son!" He chirped, his hands clapping together joyfully as he sighed, "I only wish I had such a way with Ivana. You truly know what you are doing. Having a total disregard for his wishes and neglecting his feelings! Why, what better role model than you!"

"Shut up! Like you're any better!"

"Hm? Well I can not say I am a better father, I do not have much experience with my children. They keep dying," He sighed, looking over at the Russian in his bed (which freaked Alfred right the hell out) , "But I do know that I at least hear what they have to say before ignoring them."

_Wait for it._

"Then punishing them for talking back," Ivan pouted, "So many talk back . Iz a shame."

_Waaaiiitt for it._

There was a pause.

"_I also know that I am better than you in bed-_"

"Saw that one coming."

Another pause.

"And that's what she said dude."

Both men looked at each other.

Then laughed.

Before Ivan sucker punched Alfred in the stomach. Alfred doubled over and coughed.

"That is for insulting my guest."

"_Can you two please leave? I want to get changed._"

And so went the rest of the day, America and Russia both agreeing to get changed and start packing for France in order to get the next ticket out of America. (haha-shut up.)

Alfred moved quickly around the kitchen, his hands whipping back and forth as he grabbed various items.

Bolognese. Processed cheese. Lays chips. Pringles. Tator tots.

The usual.

"_Why are you packing food? I thought you were leaving the country._"

Alfred had shoved a packet of raw into his mouth before chewing noisily and shrugging at the woman.

"eecauz oo e'er oh." The woman stared at him, her eyes half open as she sipped her tea.

"_I tell you again, I do not speak English dear. How am I supposed to understand English when you have food in your mouth?_"

Alfred swallowed and smiled at her, a piece of noodle jammed between his teeth.

"_Woman find that cute right? Right? They totally do, right?_" The woman exhaled a kind of giggle before reaching up and petting the American's hair.

"_You could say that._" Alfred chuckled (though it was really dorky so it kind of sounded like he was regurgitating).

"_Cute enough to sleep with me right?_"

"_Some chances only come once. And you missed yours." _Alfred pouted. Then went back to his food packing.

"F*cking tease-"

"Ah~ I see you have gathered what you deem as important items comrade!" America gnashed his teeth as he looked up at the 'always too happy- probably because he just hid the body-' Russia.

"Did you just call me what I think you just called me?"

"Ah, but you seem to be missing some of most important items dear!"

"Ok, why are you _both_ calling me that-"

"I see now that you are missing important travel items such as snazzy American hair gel, obnoxiously loud American rap music CD to listen to in car to annoy me to the point of violence, and tooth brush!"

Alfred shoved some more cheese in his bag.

"Really? Those are the priority items?"

Ivan then whipped out a blue toothbrush and smiled.

"You see? I have mine~ I keep it wherever I go. Because dental health is most important. Though, I doubt you would know this, with England being your father," Ivan shuttered, "Have you seen his teeth? Dreadful."

America looked up then scoffed.

"What? Dude that's my toothbrush. Give it back."

Ivan chuckled and shook his head.

"No no, this is mine."

"What? No it's mine-"

Both nations looked at one another, then the toothbrush, then made eye contact again before Alfred threw his hands in the air and lost it.

"INDIRECT KISS!" He screamed, the cheese in his hand crushed under the disgust and dismay of its master. Ivan held his hand up to his face and gave a small giggle.

"Just kidding. Oh the look on your face." Alfred let his face fall onto his bag, his shoulders heaving from the exhaustion of the day.

"This is too much for me man. First I think you're a hot Russian chick, then I think I accidently kissed you...ugh..."

"Yes. It has been crazy day. But we are almost done with packing. Then we will drop Yomna off at modeling agency for her job. Then airport."

Alfred looked up with sad eyes at his roommate.

"She's a model? You did a model last night? All I did was watch reruns of Fresh Prince of Bel Air."

Ivan closed his eyes and sighed warmly.

"And so is the difference between boy and man."

"_Not to be rude, but are you two almost done? I need to be back at work by 5."_

"_Yes, yes. We are nearly done. _Jones? Do you have all you need?"

Alfred sighed.

"Yeah, 'cept for a hot naked model." He mumbled, lifting his head and zipping up his bag.

"Alright. Then let us go. Are you needing me to carry your other bag, since you are so pathetic and weak?" Alfred stood himself up and frowned.

"No and no dude. Especially, what? I only have one bag."

"No. Is two. See?" Russia then pointed at a second duffle bag sitting in the kitchen. America looked at it, squinted his eyes, then looked back at Russia.

"Stop screwing with me man. That 'aint my bag."

"I am not screwing with you. I thought that is what you were trying to do to me?" Ivan giggled. Alfred rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. Fine. I'll bite. I'll open your stupid, Russian, mind-games bag. Probably a dead animal."

Ivan mock gasped.

"Never would I do that!"

"Like that time you 'never' sent me a bag of dead rats as a present?"

"My cat did that. Not me."

"Whatever man. I'll open your stupid bag."

Alfred then walked over to the stupid, dumb, blue bag. He knelt down and grabbed the zipper, preparing himself for a bag full of dead squirrels. Or geese. Or lepers.

Or nothing?

"Dude there's not even a- HOLYF*CK!" Alfred scrambled back, his heart racing as he pointed towards- "NORTH KOREA, THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!"

Said communist sat up and glared, the usual cigarette in his hand.

"_Getting a free ride. Obviously._"

He looked up and nodded at Russia, then at the woman.

"_Hello again Yomna. It's been a while-_"

"OH, YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL!"

And with that America stormed out.


	15. Floral print

Sorry that I don't update right away. It's because I'm always like, four or five chapters ahead in my brain so when I sit down to write this I'm all 'but I don't want to write this part! I want to write the new part I thought up!'. Not to mention I had a hard time with this chapter. It's a little all over the place. Sorry about that. I tried to clean it up as best as I could. A big thanks to my beta reader as always (is it weird that I always think beta fish?)

OH! And Hyperkaoru13- I know you drew me fanart on Deviantart, but I don't have an account. And the website was all 'this is adult content, want to see?' and I was all 'ummm...define adult content' and then it decided to NOT define it for me. So if it isn't explicit...adult content then I would love to see it :D If it is, then I am sure it is lovely and am very happy you drew it, but I no longer view explicit adult content. For those of you who DO have an account and are able to view adult content check it out at her page! Hyperkaoru13 at deviantart. Thanks!

Here's an update. I don't own Hetalia.

/

_With a sudden yelp he awoke._

_Her cold feet pressed against the small of his back as she snickered and kneaded into his skin._

"_I surprise you?"_

"_Good god woman!" He whispered with a cry, about to turn around but unable due to the sheer ice of her skin. "What is wrong with you?!"_

"_You looked so at peace. So I woke you."_

_His eyes blinked at the darkness; the drawn curtains, the slit of moonlight pouring through._

"_What time is it?"_

"_Is four now…"_

"_Four in the morning?!" His voice cracked under his whisper, his body unable to take it as he willed himself to turn around. She blinked at him and smiled, her toes curling in a hello, "Are you off of it?!"_

_She frowned slightly._

"_I," She bit her lip, trying to think of the words before finally giving up, "Sleep." She shook her head passively. He stretched out his hands and grabbed her ears._

"_You couldn't sleep?" She shook her head, "So you woke me up?" She nodded, "With your feet?"_

"_That is how my people say 'good morning'-"_

"_It is not, you're lying."_

_She smiled._

"_Yes. I am. I want to see your face. Like this." She made a shocked face, then snickered .He blinked, pulling on her ears lightly before letting go. They looked at each other for a moment, studying one another until finally he broke away and snatched her ankle in his hand. She spazzed slightly in bed, attempting to pull away, but he got on his knees and held her leg higher, causing her to become immobile._

"_I declare this foot United States territory." His face was stern. She stared at him with a blank expression._

_She then poked his face with her toe. He maintained eye contact as she rubbed his cheek, trying desperately to poke him in the eye. Finally he lifted up his other hand dramatically._

_She mocked a gasp and put a hand over her mouth._

"_What will you do? Mon sad foot," She hugged herself and batted her eyes, "I am innocent Vietnamese woman."_

_His face remained stern as his free hand twitched._

_Before tickling the arch of her foot._

_She yelped and instinctively kicked him in the face, causing him to swear before managing to grab a hold of her ankle again. She squealed and kicked as he attempted to grab her other ankle, trying desperately to maintain a serious face as she giggled and laughed at-_

His eyes shot open at the sudden excruciating pain in his side. Alfred curled back against himself and hissed, glaring at the larger man sitting in the grass beside him.

"What the hell was that for! I was napping!"

"I know. You looked so at peace, so I woke you." The two glared at each other before America rolled his eyes and flopped over onto his belly, his hands shoving the leafs in front of him out of the way. He sighed at the same old sight in front of him. He had hoped that a short cat nap would change things, but it seemed that everything was just as it had been ten minutes ago. Alfred pulled out his phone and checked the time. Two hours. They had been at this for two hours.

"You know what I love?" Alfred mumbled.

"What?"

"The fact that we've been in the military business since we were kids, and yet we have no freakin' idea what we're doing."

Ivan lowered his binoculars and sighed, glancing at America who looked rather ridiculous in his camouflage.

"I am the one who wanted to plan. You are the one who suggested we hide in bush for hours and hope for good idea-"

"First of all, your idea of 'planning' involved a little too many bullets in my face. Second of all, this is a brilliant idea because no one ever looks in the bushes-"

"Yes they do. Iz first place they look."

"Well _I_ have camouflage on so they won't see me unlike _you_ Mr. 'camouflage is for fat kids' when I know for a _fact_ you wear it all the goddamn time!"

Ivan let go of his binoculars so they fell around his neck. He then sat up and glared down at his companion, who was lying on his stomach.

"This outfit you have? It is good for hunting or, hmmm, perhaps being in a forest. Not in a heavily populated area."

Alfred turned around briefly to stare at the random civilians behind him. Some were walking dogs, others were having lunch, others still making out. But most of them had something in common, and that was staring at the two nations 'in disguise' in front of them.

America shrugged and went back to staking out Francis' house.

"They're just jealous of my swag. Now quit your bellyaching and help me think of a game plan. Froggie still hasn't left his house."

Ivan smiled awkwardly and waved to the people, shuffling closer to the bush and peeking through its leaves.

Across the street sat their prize; one of Francis' many homes. It was his getaway cottage, one located in a small town outside Paris. There was a park was across the road from it, so Ivan and Alfred didn't have to look far to find a good stakeout point. However, they also looked like complete freaks sitting beside the bushes and staring at a known nation's house. The two had tried to fit in as regular civilians, but the longer they sat there the more wary Russia was. After all, even if they were mistaken for civilians, it was a crime to harass or cause trouble to a nation, so if the police came by then they would be in trouble.

"Hey, earth to smokestack. I need an idea."

"You need lots of things Jones. I, on the other hand, need coffee. Where are Ivana and Johnson?"

"Dude they'll be back soon enough. Remember they've got Hyung Soo with 'em."

Ivan looked back at the growing number of people behind them.

"I just hope they'll hurry."

Meanwhile, things were less than pleasant for the two secretaries. The two agents were given three seemingly simple jobs to accomplish that morning. One was to keep an eye on Hyung Soo and make sure he didn't inturrupt America and Russia's 'Brilliant Plan' (which to Johnson just seemed like domestic squabble). Two, they had to find some kind of listening device to theoretically wiretap Francis' house. Third, they had to buy coffee. The two agents wandered aimlessly through the town square, Ivana slamming her heels down as she walked.

"That is the third store! The third bloody store we went into!"

"Again, I really don't think that a small town like this is going to have anything as advanced as phone tapping-"

"I don't _care_. They _should_ have it! Where are we? The 1930's?!"

"You know, I think this is the most I've ever heard you talk-"

"_Shut up_-"

"Yes ma'am."

Johnson glanced over his shoulder, making sure Hyung Soo was still there (and glaring at him) before walking towards a coffee shop. Ivana led the way, a curse under her breath.

"Let's just get the coffee. I am tired of all this chaos." The woman cursed, her heels smashing against the pavement. The man lightly put his hands in his pockets, feeling awkward over the whole thing; at a furious woman (which he had no experience with) and a hostile nation (which he had experience with, but only if they would speak English, which Hyung Soo had refused to do).

Hyung Soo stopped just outside the door and crossed his arms. The two agents paused and turned to him, expecting a half decent explanation as to why he wouldn't want to go into the cafe. Instead he proceeded to give a rather lengthy monologue (in Korean) in which he would motion towards the coffee shop, the sky, and then himself. He finished by, once again, glaring cold daggers into Johnson.

The agent sighed and looked towards the woman, who mimicked the nation's posture.

There was a very long silence before she shot her hands onto her hips and growled in her mother tongue: "_I thought I told you I don't speak god damn Korean._"

The Korean frowned and took a few steps towards the woman, who held her ground.

"_And I thought I told you to remember you place."_

Johnson also stepped towards Ivana, but out of concern more than anything.

"Um, Ivana? I think we should really just get the coffee-"

"_I do remember sir, I just don't know why you insist on speaking to us in Korean all the time-"_

The nation grabbed her collar and pulled her close, the heat of his breath flushing her face.

"_Sleeping with Ivan does not MAKE you Ivan- you don't GET to use that tone with me."_

"_Get your hands off of me." _She snarled, her hands bundling into fists.

"N-now listen! You both don't need to do this! Let's just calm down and-"

Ivana pulled her fist back, her hand about to make contact with something that could sign her death wish, when suddenly someone yelled.

In fact a few people called out; three men appearing on the street and screaming out something in Korean.

In Korean….

_Oh god…._

The look of fury on Hyung Soo's face was quickly replaced with absolute terror as the men behind him seemed to call out his name. The nation let go of the Russian agent and turned to them, his face in horror as they seemed to recognize each other.

Then one of the men whipped out his gun.

And before either agent could take a breath a single shot cried out into the streets, Hyung's once proud posture crumbling under the weight of his body. He fell onto his back, his lifeless eyes staring up into the sky as his hot blood created rivers on the pavement.

The surrounding area exploded into chaos, men and woman screaming for their lives as they ran from the scene, running for safety. The opposing agent put his gun away and, along with the other two walked towards Hyung's body. As they neared the corpse Ivana instinctually pulled her gun out, aiming for the head of the nearest man. The sudden appearance of another weapon caught everyone's attention and before Johnson could think the other agents each whipped out their own weapons, all aiming at the Russian woman. Johnson grabbed her without a thought, taking hold of her arm and yanking her out of the way as the bullet whizzed past her face and into the nearby store window. Two more shots rang out, taking out a chair and some glasses as the two agents ducked into an alleyway and booked it towards safety.

Without planning or thinking they ran, scurrying through the various alleyways. They ran for a good five minutes before finally realising that they weren't being followed. Both took a moment to catch their breaths before hurrying to their meeting point, to their nations. Because in all honesty, when things got hot it was really best to have a immortal tank by your side.

As they jogged Ivana swallowed harshly, her throat burning from the sudden increase in oxygen and the need to take in more.

"Why- why do you think they shot him?"

"They were col-lecting him."

"But w-hy didn't they just k-kidnap him?"

Johnson shrugged as he pushed on.

"L-less hassle. I-if he's dead he won-on't fight back."

Ivana tried to swallow again.

"Ivan tol-told me that when you murder a nation they d-don't die but it's like b-being tort-tortured."

"L-let's just focus on something e-else alright? Like finding America and Russia and…and.." Both slowed to a walk as they came up to the bushes where their nations once sat, scheming and overall acting rather ridiculous.

Now there only sat a piece of paper, held to the ground by a rock. Johnson looked at the surrounding area, hoping to find a person and ask them where 'the two strange men' in the bushes had gone, but it seemed that the gunfire had scared even the park dwellers away.

Ivana reached down and grabbed the note, looking it once over before frowning.

"What does i-it say?" Johnson asked, swallowing the lump in his throat.

She bit her lip.

"Do you read traditional Chinese characters?" Johnson, who was now doubled over holding his knees, shot the other agent a look.

"He expects me to speak English, S-Spanish, German, Russian, and Mandarin fluently, so no, I don't exactly have time to b-brush up on my traditional characters. I can barely read s-simplified for god's sakes."

Ivana held up the note, which was decorated in various Chinese characters

"Then we have a problem."

Johnson snatched the note away from her and stared at it, only able to recognize one or two characters in the lot. He crumpled it and threw it away.

"Why the hell would they leave a note in _Chinese_?!"

"Perhaps they thought no one could read it-"

Johnson stood up and waved his arms.

"Of course someone could read it! There's always someone Chinese in a city! Why not leave the note in German? No one in France speaks German!"

And while the two discussed and debated why exactly their bosses had decided to leave them such a cryptic note, across the street America stood by the door of Francis' house. Had the agents only looked over the bushes they would have seen the nervous young nation; the way he fiddled with his hands and hovered over the doorbell. Had they looked further, they would have noticed that Russia was nowhere to be seen.

That was because the other nation had decided to go around back to the other door and break in. After much deliberation their caffeine deprived minds had decided on a very simple plan: distraction. One man was going to distract Francis for as long as possible while the other broke in through the back door and investigated France's house for clues. After all, if France had orchestrated their partnership, there would be some kind of paper trail around the house.

The two nations had then argued about who was to distract Francis. Ivan thought America should because the Russian knew the house layout and would be quicker exploring and searching for clues. Alfred thought Russia should do it because France had grown into the habit of seeing Alfred as 'a man' and thus put him into the category of 'fair game'. Alfred frankly didn't want to be hit on.

But Ivan had decided that his choice was far more reasonable and, after several Indian arm burns, Alfred gave into the older nation's decision.

And so the young nation stood outside France's house, awaiting Ivan to text him the all clear so they could get their plan into action.

Alfred wanted to call it 'Operation Sherlock Holmes' because they would be searching for clues.

Ivan wanted to call it 'Operation Gaylord'.

You can guess who won.

"This is the dumbest thing I've ever done…" Alfred muttered as his phone chimed to him. And with that noise and a long, strangled sigh he rang the doorbell. America waited in agony, his brain too tired to think of a good excuse for _why _exactly he was in France. But by the time he realized that having a reason was kind of vital, it was too late; he heard the sound of footsteps.

And that silky voice.

"_Who is it?_" It asked in the obvious language. Alfred sighed and spoke in English, too tired to dust off his French vocabulary.

"It's me. 'merica."

The other man hesitated before opening the door slowly, a slightly confused look on France's face as he opened the door wider.

"Mon cheri, Alfred? Is that you?"

"Yeah. Yeah sure is."

"Why, I did not expect you… I did not know you were in town-"

"Well I am. So yeah." He stood there awkwardly, his hands worming their way into his pockets as he glanced nervously behind Francis. France took a moment to think before opening the door wider.

"Well, since you are here, please come in."

"Thanks."

Alfred brushed past France and moved into his front hallway, removing his shoes and light jacket. After pulling the thing off he threw it on the floor, not really caring about where it went. France stared down at the jacket, then at America, and then sighed lightly, picking up the jacket in his hands.

"To what do I owe the visit mon cheri?"

Alfred looked around the house. It was small, that was for sure, but it wasn't cramped by any means. And from what he could judge of the wood and framework the house was quite old too.

"Just in the neighborhood."

Francis hung up the jacket and shut the closet door, giving Alfred a once over before smiling and putting his arm around the younger man.

"Then I am glad you decided to come visit an old friend. Please come in. Make yourself at home. Can I get you anything? Wine or, beer perhaps?"

The American walked along with the other, glancing this way and that as he was led into what seemed to be the living room.

"If you got any coffee, that'd butter my biscuits."

Francis chuckled and ruffled America's hair.

"You American's and your silly phrases. I will get you some, please sit down."

"Thanks."

And with that France left the room, leaving Alfred alone in the foreign area. The room seemed well kept and up to date on the current home decorating trends. At one wall sat a very long couch with various ruffled and expensive looking pillows. A light blue accented the different furniture and curtains, and in the middle of the room was a long glass coffee table. Alfred sat down on the rather comfortable couch, eying the various bookshelves and end tables.

He checked his phone, only receiving two texts from Ivan. One indicating he got into the house alright, the other asking if Francis still had floral sheets in the master bedroom. Alfred tried to emphasis his disgust as he texted, each angry finger landing on the buttons.

He also had seven missed calls from Johnson, but he was far too busy to call his son back in order to talk about his previous coffee order (or how to tranquilize North Korea).

The American got up once more and roamed around the room, briefly examining the bookshelf for any literature on politics. Perhaps Francis had hidden his evidence in a book? Alfred skimmed the books, finding only topics on history, poetry and fine art. He pulled out one book on famous love poems, somehow wondering if there could be a connection between plotting an evil wedding and words of love, but all he found when flipping through the pages were a few postcards shoved inside.

Nothing important.

With a bit of disappointment he shoved the book back in its place, sitting down just in time for Francis to enter the room with a tray of fine china. He set the tray down and, much to America's dismay, sat down beside the other.

_I just know he's not wearing any deodorant._

France leaned forward and poured two cups, his shirt edging up slightly revealing a bit of his lower back.

_Or underwear._

Meanwhile, at the other end of the house Russia was also feeling slightly disturbed. This due to the fact that he had stumbled upon some rather unpleasant documentation on his previous partnership with France.

_I thought I told him to burn these. Obviously I did not make myself clear when I said 'if you don't burn those papers then something else is about to feel the scorching pain of this welding tool'._

He shoved the potential blackmail into his pockets and continued his search, flipping through any books on American, Russian, or cold war history. He also skimmed anything on romance, since that could had been a potential (but odd) reason for their ordeal.

But it seemed that France was craftier than he looked, because none of the books held the evidence that he needed; only old papers of a failed relationship, gambling receipts and old cooking recipes.

He turned his attention then to the hallway, able to make out the soft voices of the two other nations.

America laid his arm on the open space beside him.

"So, America," The Frenchman began, sitting back up with a cup in his hand, "You were 'in the neighborhood'?"

America grabbed his own cup and gulped down the bitter liquid, happy for the quick rush that filled his body and burned his throat. He then poured himself a second cup along with five sugar cubes.

"Yup."

"Just outside Paris. In this particular town where I come to visit."

"Yuppers."

"I see," The older nation took a light sip of his coffee, then crossed his legs, his free hand combing his fingers through his hair, "Alfred, why are you really here?"

America also took a sip of his own drink.

"Cause that's the kind of guy I am-"

"Alfred, I know you are not in my country due to business because I would have been told of anything, no matter how small. Which means you are here for personal reasons. Now, you have never visited me at this home before, meaning that you had to get my address from someone. So I can only guess that you flew all the way from your country to mine in order to see me personally. Am I correct?"

America stared at the other, his poker face perfected over years of lying and taking crap from the press.

"Maybe."

_Good one._

"So you are not going to tell me what you came here for?"

Alfred crossed his own legs and shrugged.

"You tell me. Maybe I just came to pop by-"

"Except for the fact that you have expressed that you aren't very fond of me mon cheri."

Alfred's phone buzzed angrily, revealing a text from Ivan:

Nothing yet. Also, did you ask about the bedsheets? They were nice. Very warm. And soft.

Alfred glared at the phone as he typed a rather obscene response.

"Alfred?"

"What? No, no I mean, I like you just fine France."

"You seem distracted."

I would think he still has them. It was only a few months ago that I last saw them. When I first started living with you. Remember when I said I was going to China for the weekend for business? I lied.

Alfred growled at his phone, typing another response not suited for a teen rated fic.

"I ain't, I just got this stupid…"

"Is it Russia?"

Oh, and I also lied about that shirt you are wearing. You know how you asked if it was too tight and if you look fat? You do.

"You freaking tool bag!"

"Alfred."

"What?!" He snapped, slamming another response into his phone. Francis placed his own cup down and snatched the device from the American, causing the other to cry out in protest. Francis held it out of his reach and gave Alfred a hard look.

"You come to my house without notice, act incredibly rude towards me and then ignore me when I am trying to speak to you. I know that you and I, perhaps, do not always agree with one another's… personality, however, I think it is only fair that you show me some respect when in my own home."

Alfred pouted and crossed his arms.

"Fine."

"Pardon? Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes mom. Now can I-" France glared, Alfred cleared his throat, "May I please have my phone back."

Francis smiled and placed it into Alfred's hands.

"But of course." Alfred quickly tapped the screen, glancing at another rude text from Ivan before shuffling uncomfortably in his seat.

I can hear you two. Try not to piss off the host, yes? He might become suspicious of why you are here. Why are you here?

Alfred rolled his eyes as he looked at France and gave a sheepish grin.

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that. Just, you know, jet lag and uh… stuff."

Francis smiled and combed his hair.

"It's fine mon ami. Take as much time as you need to open up to your big brother. I know these things can be hard on a young man."

Tell him you want to see the floral sheets.

Ain't no one want to see the sheets ruski! Alfred typed angrily.

"Uh…" And of course then all he could think of were floral sheets, and he wanted to kill Ivan for that. Alfred rubbed his neck and tried to think quickly, "Yeah, uh…I'm here for like…seeing how one rolls 'round these parts-"

"Alfred. I think we both know why you're here." Alfred's head perked up.

"You do? I mean, we do?"

"Yes."

The American opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again, deciding that the best approach was the old 'fake it till you make it'.

"Yeah. You're right."

And then there was silence; France waiting for Alfred to confess, Alfred waiting for France to just make an excuse for him. The American looked around the room, patted his hands together, then looked back at the Frenchman, nodding his head lightly.

France took in a breath and reached for his cup.

"You are here because you wanted to talk to me about your situation with Russia-"

"Basically yeah."

France took another elegant sip.

"Was that so hard to say?"

Alfred let out a laugh and scratched the back of his head.

"Well, you know, it's weird. Me talking about Russia, to people, and making it not seem… weird."

Now that he had ground for conversation, Alfred could work with this.

"I understand Alfred. It isn't easy asking someone with more experience for help."

Alfred's face fell as he realised just how odd his predicament seemed. Coming to France. For advice. On a man he lived with.

"Uh, well, I mean it aint-"

"No no, I understand mon petit amor. There aren't many other men you can turn to, and it is after all a sensitive subject-"

"Yeah, uh, really, it isn't like that-"

Francis wrapped his arm around the younger nation and sighed.

"And of course, I have the most experience in these kinds of things and you, someone who really doesn't know much-" Alfred leaned out of the others touch.

"I know plenty all!"

"-would naturally come to someone like me for advice. Now tell me-"

"Listen pal!"

"-Are you having trouble when it comes to the sheets-"

"What is up with you two and GOD DAMN FLORAL SHEETS?!" The American yelled, his hands wrapping around himself in self-defence from the horrible conversation. Francis' smile faltered as he retracted his arm.

"Pardon? Floral sheets?" He looked up at the ceiling, then at the American, "What are you- oh. You mean my sheets? Why would you be…" The Frenchman then held a hand over his lips and gave a low chuckle, placing his cup back on the table, "Has Russia been telling you things? I told him not to talk about that with you, I knew it would only make you upset."

Alfred took in a couple of shallow breaths and held his chest.

"What? Naw we aint- listen I just don't wanna talk 'bout anything of… _that nature_ with you. Ivan and I are just-"

"Oui oui, just friends I know-oh…oh! Oh no Alfred," Francis then let out a louder laugh as he reached to pat the boy's shoulder (Alfred dodging the physical contact), "I was speaking of living with Ivan-the sheets!"

Alfred stared in bewilderment as France smiled and motioned, as if saying 'oh course, you know, sheets'.

"What?"

France chuckled again.

"Nam was right, you do speak like a Southerner when you are embarrassed- no Alfred, I meant literally the sheets. When you live with Ivan, you go through lots of bed sheets."

Alfred gave a horrified expression. France laughed joyfully.

"No! No! You see, your thoughts are worse than mine! I am meaning he ruins them. The rips them up when he is angry. One moment your room is fine, the next you come home and there is blood all over them."

Alfred scrunched up his face.

"How is _that_ any less disturbing?!"

France smiled and opened his mouth, then closed it and took a moment to think. His face darkened slightly.

"Well, I guess you are right. It is worse since he never tells me whose blood-"

A dark chuckle emitted from the hallway. Both nations looked up.

Alfred stood suddenly.

"I'm leaving-"

"No! No stay!"

"This conversation just took a turn I was not expecting-"

"Stay, please cheri," Francis reached up and tugged the other back down, America sitting down with a huff, "Can I not have my fun? Forgive big brother, I was only teasing. Please, stay."

Alfred's phone buzzed.

You two should 'French' and make up.

The American glared at his phone.

"Well I don't really like that joke France."

Francis laughed again and ruffled America's hair.

"Forgive an old man and his jokes. But really Alfred, it's ok. I know you two aren't sleeping together."

Alfred leaned his chin into his palms.

"Really? Because everyone else seems to think so."

"That is because they are not experts in love, like myself. Really, I could tell at your wedding and reception that there was nothing there." The American perked up slightly.

"Really? You got that?"

"Oui. Besides," Francis leaned back, "I doubt Ivan would be coming here if he had someone younger on the side," Alfred scrunched up his face, "And you would have come here sooner to punish me for sleeping with your husband."

America's face could only be likened to the horror of seeing someone use your toothbrush.

Francis laughed and pulled Alfred into a hug, ruffling his hair and giggling.

"Oh stop Alfred! You are too easy to tease when you make that face-"

"GET OFF ME FROGGIE-"

"Oh you are just like your father! So easy to embarrass! Your face is so red-"

"SO HELP ME I WILL FLUSH ALL YOUR FINE WINE-" Francis pulled back from the younger nation and pouted, giving his cheek (_on his face_) a pat.

"Now now, no need for threats dear. I was only playing." Alfred huffed and crossed his arms, giving a small glare to the other.

"You're pushing it bro."

"Oh come now, you are too sensitive. Besides, I was defending you. I don't argue that you and Russia are just living partners, I think you two are just friends; in an odd kind of way. That's why I know the real reason for your marriage."

America lifted his head up.

"The real reason?" He lifted his head up further, "You mean, different than what I told the press?"

"Yes, of course." America narrowed his eyes slightly.

"Like what?"

Francis hummed slightly and leaned his arms against the back of the couch.

"I guess you could say loneliness-"

"Oh."

"Though I do think what you said at the meeting was true. I just do not think that was the only reason." France leaned his head back and looked up to the ceiling, "I think you both just needed somebody around. After all, I know Ivan has trouble living alone, and you are…" Francis looked at America, who frowned slightly at the pause, "Somebody who craves prais-"

"An attention whore?"

"Well when you put it like _that_-"

"No I'm pretty sure that's what you meant-"

"Either way, it helps both of you." Francis gazed at Alfred, who stared back. And they stayed like that for a long moment, thinking about what the other had said. Francis hoping he hadn't crossed some unspoken line with the younger man.

Alfred freaking out that they had broken into Francis' house for nothing and now had the potential of getting in some serious-

His phone buzzed.

I am finding nothing. Perhaps it was someone who just _sent_ the package from France? To lead us astray?

America quickly typed back.

Yeah, France thinks we got married on our own. I don't feel like he's lying.

Russia sent a quick response.

Should we torture him anyway just in case?

Alfred looked up at France, who smiled patiently back.

Maybe. Let's keep our options open.

"Who are you texting?"

Alfred shoved his phone in his pocket.

"No one. Russia. Nothing. About grumpy cat."

France shrugged slightly and poured himself another cup of coffee. Alfred mentally wiped the sweat away.

_Yet another close call._

"So, may I ask, how are you doing living with Russ? I was surprised you two moved in so suddenly."

Alfred leaned on his hands.

"He's a handful, that's for sure." France smiled.

"Yes, I remember when I used to live with him. It was quite eventful, to say the least. Does he still like to rearrange the kitchen in the middle of the night-"

"UGH! Yes!" Alfred threw his hands up dramatically, "It pisses me off so much! Why does he even do that?"

"That and folding all your clothes. It's a little invasive. I did not mind because we were in a relationship, but I can see how him touching your unmentionables would be unnerving."

Alfred's hands fell on the couch.

"What? What? I thought- he told me his hot secretary did it!"

"I'm afraid not-"

"UGGGHHH that's so _weird_-"

France sipped gently from his coffee.

"Ivan has a funny way of showing affection. Like isolating you from all your known relatives, and naming inanimate objects after you." Alfred gave France an odd look.

"_Why_ did you live with him?"

France ran his fingers through his hair.

"Because the physical relationship far outweighed his unnerving social quirks. What I want to know is, if you aren't getting the physical side of the relationship, then why did _you_ want to live with him."

Alfred went white and sputtered.

"C-cause…uh…" He looked around, half expecting to see Ivan standing in the doorway, "He's funny when…he's drunk."

Now it was Francis turn to cross his arms.

"No. No Ivan gets 'touchy' when he's drunk, which is almost always. In fact, I'm surprised you feel comfortable living with him. I can't imagine he hasn't tried anything on you," France unfolded his arms and leaned against the back of the couch, "If anything, he probably has but you thought he was rough housing…or something."

"Gross."

"That is the love of friendship mon ami. Though I wouldn't mind seeing you two rough house-"

"Again. Gross."

France gave Alfred a pat on the leg. Alfred chose to ignore this gesture.

"Well, since you are here I might as well give you tips on living with him, since I know he can be quite a handful."

Alfred rolled his eyes.

"Tips? It's not like taking care of a cat, man."

"Well, how about this, did you know that you can actually get Ivan wasted without alcohol?"

America leaned back on the couch.

"I'm listening."

"Alcohol only gives him a buzz. As you probably saw, it doesn't really make him act all that different. The key is oil, or gasoline."

Alfred made a sour face.

"How the hell did you find that out-"

"Well, I was drunk and he was saying how oil is his life blood…either way I asked him to drink some and afterwards he started acting very strange. It's interesting, though kind of sad. He isn't a very happy drunk."

The American rubbed his chin.

"Ok. Noted. But that isn't really a lot to go on-"

"He is also afraid of bees." Alfred snorted slightly.

"Bees?"

"Yes, well, he doesn't scream or anything, but if a few land on him then he starts whimpering. It's a little sad. It's best to shoo them away before he gets too frightened-"

"Ok seriously, you're just giving me ammunition."

Francis chuckled and waved his hand.

"Oh, I know. But you see, he already knows how to rile you up. After all, it isn't that hard. So it's only fair that you know a bit about what makes Ivan tick."

Alfred crossed his legs.

"So then what's he really afraid of?"

Francis laughed.

"Oh, well, that's simple mon cheri. Because he was raised by the Mongols he has become very much afraid of-"

Francis then paused, looking out towards the hallway. Alfred followed his gaze to Ivan, who had just rushed down the stairs. The three stared at one another for a long moment before Ivan moved swiftly for his target. Alfred followed the figure with his eyes and before he could say anything , Russia's hands moved down and grabbed France's head.

And twisted violently.

Alfred let out a scream and leapt up onto the couch as France collapsed onto the floor. Ivan pulled his hands back to his side, then looked up at America, who continued to skip and skitter on the spot.

"You-what-OH MY GOD DUDE-"

"What? What?" Ivan looked back at France and gasped, shifting his eyes to Alfred.

"Oh my lord, Alfred, what did you do?-"

"WHAT DID I DO?! You just _KILLED FRANCE!_"

Ivan placed his hand onto his chest and gave a dramatized breath.

"Me? I don't remember doing that. It must have been you-"

"LIKE HELL! OH GOD!" America leapt off the couch and ran in circles, "Oh crap oh crap oh CRAP! DUDE! When he wakes up he is going to press SO MANY CHARGES!"

Ivan leaned down towards the body and sighed sadly, cupping the man's face in his palm.

"My dear amor, what have you done? I thought I told you that you should take my secrets to your grave? And now it seems you will."

Alfred cried in the background, burying his face in his hands as he imagined the trials he was about to face for such a stupid mistake.

Because sure, nations could be murdered, but if the actual economy and people were still intact then they would revive themselves.

But every nation knew (and found out the hard way) that dying had a heavy, heavy price on the mind. Like being thrown into a pit of your past mistakes, living endless days in the memories of all those you failed, all those who got slaughtered by your hands. So that when you awoke you are but a shell, needing weeks to recuperate after the trauma.

It was as if nature had to remind the nations that life was precious, even to them.

And now they had killed France.

The world letch.

"WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE?!"

"Oh! Is that a little skip beat I hear?"

"What are you talking about?!" Alfred wailed.

France was dead. When he woke up, and after he recovered he was going to press so many charges that they would be paying for years to come-

"I am saying he is not dead."

Alfred dropped his hands.

"What?"

Ivan smirked.

"Who do you think I am? Of course I know how to break nation's neck without killing. You forget how much practice I had on the Baltics."

"He's alive? HE'S ALIVE!" Alfred screamed as he raced over, his arms open wide to give Francis the biggest hug of his life. Now they wouldn't be brought to court or give public apology or-

Ivan smashed his fist into Alfred's stomach, causing the other to fly back.

"What did I tell you about touching another man's _woman_ Alfred?!"

America scrambled back up and waved dramatically.

"He isn't even a woman!" Ivan's eye twitched.

"And how would _YOU _know THAT?!" Ivan roared, his figure leaning back, ready to lunge. America ducked out of the way and held up his hands.

"Can you stop being crazy for ONE moment and LISTEN to me?! He's going to wake up soon and when he DOES he is going to TAN our hides, bro!"

Russia calmed himself and crossed his arms, a neutral expression on his face.

"Then what do we do?"

Alfred held his palms against his forehead and thought, and thought, and thought.

_Think think think. Can't have France here. Can't leave cause he'll find us…_

He then lifted his face back up.

"I have an idea."

And so, a few hours later one man walked up to another man's door. The man walking wore the usual blue suit, his uniform cap shielding his face from the evening sun. He whistled as he walked, moving his way past the familiar gate and up to the door.

He rang, a man answered, they talked briefly before carrying in the heavy load.

Inside, Britain was almost done his evening tea when his secretary entered the room.

"Sir? You have a package."

"Leave it by the door Henry."

"Well it seems rather important sir. Shipped all the way here this very day. Says live goods too." England turned around in his chair and raised his enormous eyebrow. Then, with a sigh, he placed his cup down.

"Very well, bring it in."

"Can't sir. It's too big." England scoffed and stood, rather annoyed now by the mystery box and its contents. He wasn't one for surprises, especially ones that contained 'live goods'.

_This better not be another pet from Australia. I don't know why he thinks I want those animals._

Sure enough, in the doorway sat a long wooden box covered in big block letters. With a groan England motioned towards Henry, who ran to get a crowbar.

After a bit of pushing and pulling, Arthur was able to get the bar into the box lid. With a huff and a grunt he pushed, finally heaving the heavy lid off the ginormous box. The lid flew off and slammed into the ground, revealing a man lying inside.

A man tied up from head to toe, his mouth gagged. His eyes were uncovered though, and as Britain peered into the box he could see the other was wide awake.

"Are those…floral bed sheets?" Henry asked as England blinked in confusion. He glanced around before noticing the note pinned to the gagged man's shirt. Henry tore it off and handed it to his nation, who read the familiar handwriting.

_Dear England,_

_Happy early Mother's day._

_From your favourite redneck._

_Hugs and kisses in a totally not gay way._

Britain looked back at the bound and gagged France and gave a small sniff, his eyes tearing up at the sight.

"Sir?"

"I think… this is the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me." And with that the sweet smile on England's face was replaced with an evil smirk.

And France shook a little.

Meanwhile, far away, back in the smallest of towns outside of Paris, a figure stood just outside the bushes from France's house. The figure was surprised, to be honest; they hadn't expected the two nations to actually break into France's house. Nevertheless determine France's involvement so soon. This was supposed to be a distraction to last at least, what was it? At least a few months at best.

The figure shrugged. Not that it mattered, since France wasn't involved, and they still hadn't even tracked who had actually sent the stupid document- or who printed it, who typed it, and finally who orchestrated the whole thing.

The individual gently placed their hands in their pockets and began to walk away. Not that it mattered. Everything was just a distraction anyway. The person just needed a little more time to fine tune the final piece, and then everything would come together.

Russia and America thought they were fighting a battle for their independent lives. They hadn't yet grasped the real truth to the matter. Not yet.

/

Long chapter eh? I hope you liked it. Let me know what you think, if I should work on anything (was it too weird?). Also I know these past few chapters have been kind of dull. I guess they're kind of 'character development' for me. Sorry. I'm still getting used to writing stories and not making the character development totally boring. It'll pick up soon though I promise!

Please review if you can. I always love feedback. It motivates me to write. Oh! And thanks to MoscowBraginski who asked me to please update.

Later!


	16. The coming storm

Hey kids! Let's play a game! It's called 'find the clues in the filler'! Can you guess what some of the clues are? I'll give you a hint, it isn't the sandwich.

I don't own Hetalia

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

He had expected the room to be dusty. With so many years worth of information it would make sense for a few mothballs to be found here or there. Yet there seemed to be none in this giant room with its endless corridors of cabinets. Each held a subject. Each held a date.

Ivan walked lazily through the silent hall, his finger gently dragging along the steel doors. Normally he would be giddy, ripping apart this file and that in order to find the real meat and bones of America. Instead he had to pretend as if he were bored, wandering aimlessly along the countless filing cabinets. After all, there were cameras watching.

And he had scared the hell out of security when he told them that he wanted to go into the classified room (that had been a headache of a conversation:

"_I wish to go to floor K."_

"_Floor K is off limits."_

"_Is it off limits to America?"_

"_No-"_

"_Then, as his legal partner I believe I have the same entitlement to the same information as he."_

"…_Yes but, Floor K is highly classified-"_

"_Yes yes, and if America wanted to investigate the 'floor K' of Moscow he would have no problem doing so. I have nothing to hide after all. Do you have anything to hide?"_

"_No."_

"_Then there is no problem."_

"…_I think I should call the president first."_

And then Russia had to endure the grueling two minutes of slamming the man's head against the desk until he agreed. Waste of time really.)

Ivan stopped at a particular cabinet and opened the top drawer, thumbing through dusty folders as he took in the scent of years ago.

He didn't actually expect to find anything ground breaking. He already knew most of Jones' secrets.

_I have had him bugged since the 80's after all. And he thinks no one knows of his obsession with nail care. Idiot._

He continued to flip through the familiar files.

_Operation this, operation that…This one comes with a rather comical picture._

Said picture showed three men standing against a wall about to be shot.

_Hilarious._

He moved on. The papers were delicate under his thumb, their sharpness fading with the ages. It was times like these that he-

_Wait a moment. What's this?_

A peculiar file stood under his thumb. It held no title of an operation or battle tactic, nor did the title give any inclination towards the media or riots. Instead in sloppy letters it gave a name.

It was handwritten.

Ivan tore it away from its paper brethren and flipped it open, almost losing the few photos that fell out. Pictures of a bar covered in blood. Pictures of a plane. Pictures of an all too familiar woman with people he had never seen before. And then of Alfred…

He thumbed the pictures aside and read over the papers, balancing the folder in his left hand as his right flipped through the pages. To a normal person it would have seemed hopeless. Names and places had been removed with a deep black marker, forever withholding the secret from another human being. Even verbs were blotted out, but Ivan knew better. He knew these papers, hell he wrote them. It just took a bit of creativity and background information to understand the missing words. The hidden keys.

The secrets from before, piecing it back together one by one until finally-

"Oh." He simply said, his brain clicking the puzzle together. He looked once more at the main picture, then the information, then looked up at the cabinet.

"Oh." Slightly dumbfounded he slapped the folder shut and looked down once more, his brain processing the information. Understanding it. Devouring it.

A coy smile wormed onto his face as he clutched the folder. Oh, this was good. This was very good. Much better than he had expected wandering into this old forgotten place.

He had expected a few lies to be unfolded sure, but never something like this.

It was far from earth shattering; far from destroying a reputation. In fact to anyone else it might not seem important, however Ivan knew different. He knew Jones. And he knew that Jones had wanted to keep this hidden.

Ivan gently placed the folder back where it belonged and shut the cabinet door, memorising quickly its place in case he would need it again for future reference. Of course he would have preferred to take it with him and if he were in Moscow he could have, however he didn't want to push his luck. Besides, Jones didn't know that he knew, so Ivan could keep this as his backup. His hidden ace for when he felt bored or particularly cruel towards the boy that day.

With a skip in his step Russia weaved through the corridors, quickly making his way to the elevator. After all, he didn't want to get caught, and in all honesty the less time he spent in there the better. Though he was now technically an 'ally' that didn't mean that the U.S government trusted him.

It was only when he was inside and slowly making his way up through the depths that his phone caught a signal again.

And then it began beeping with messages. Ivan flipped it open to check.

They were all from Jones.

_-I hope you're ready to be thoroughly beaten Braginski.-_

_-I understand if you're scared dude. Don't be shy.-_

_-Ivan you're acting like a girl. Get out from whatever rock you're under and get to the park already.-_

_-Um, oh hi is Russia there? Because he was supposed to be here a half hour ago to be CREAMED in football.-_

_-Ivan stop being a stuck up prick.-_

_-You know, YOU'RE the one who kept COMPLAINING that you wanted to play football and here I am ALONE in a field. Well good! I'll have you know I found cooler, better people to play football with!-_

_-Uh, so if you're still coming wait by the bleachers. I gotta take Jarred to the hospital.-_

_-So, funny story, apparently high school kids can't take a tackle these days. You should see it. I'll send you a picture. His bone is out and EVERYTHING.-_

_-Yeah gonna be a bit longer. I have to stand by to pay for the medical bill because unlike you I don't run a socialist republic here.-_

_-You don't happen to have like, $4,000 on you right? I'll pay you back and like, actually pay you back not pay you back like I tell China I'll pay him back.-_

"Hey loser."

Russia lifted his head to find himself outside. Apparently he had walked all the way from the elevator, past security and onto the front steps of the office.

In front of him sat Alfred in a red hot mustang, the hood down. His shades were hanging low on his nose displaying his less than impressed expression.

Ivan waved happily.

"Hello dear!"

"So I'm out saving kids and here you are sneaking into my goddamn secret service building."

Ivan walked up to the car and leaned on the door.

"Hmm. From what I hear you put said child in the hospital-"

"Totally beside the point. Hey, bucky-" Alfred turned to the man who was sitting in the back. Ivan turned, a wide grin on his face as he looked at the familiar agent, "I thought I told you to watch him."

Ivan spoke before Johnson could respond.

"Which is why I told Ivana to keep an eye on him."

The agent kept a steady stare for a moment before leaning back in the seat, his own sunglasses reflecting the sun.

"That would explain why she wanted to take me shopping."

"Yes, I told her to model for you to keep you distracted." Ivan purred.

Alfred flipped his hands in the air.

"Oh I get it! As soon as some dame comes along suddenly you're not on duty anymore-"

"Actually I did well sir. We only spent about a half an hour there. I even managed to pull her out of Victoria's Secret in under three minutes."

America looked up at Russia and nodded with a 'yeah, I've trained him well.'

Russia raised his eyebrows as if to say 'I am genuinely impressed. No straight man can resist her in a store like that.'

Alfred laughed before stopping and spinning around.

"Well if you weren't gawking at her then where the hell have _you_ been for the past three hours?!"

Johnson coughed slightly but maintained eye contact.

"Well… we went to the animal shelter-" Alfred turned in his seat to face the front of the car.

"Oh my god…"

"And there were these cats-"

"Why is it always god damn CATS with you!"

Ivan leaned his chin in his palm.

"Really? So you are immune to underwear modeling, and yet you can spend ages with cats."

"I have a weakness."

"Clearly."

"I _knew_ I should have weaned that out of you in training! I knew it! But oh no, no how could cats possibly hinder you in doing your job right?" Alfred strangled the air, "You are so hopeless!"

"Well at least I don't have a weakness for skimpy teenage cheerleaders."

Alfred's face reddened as he looked at Ivan, then at Johnson. Johnson also looked at Ivan but shrugged.

"It's fine. He knows." Johnson sighed.

Ivan nodded.

"Yes. Iz how I distracted you in '98 to switch all your diary to fat free-"

"_I KNEW IT!"_ The American yelled, pointing angrily at the Russian. "I freaking KNEW IT! And you!" He turned back to his agent, "Whose side are you on anyway?!"

"Well, seeing as I work for both of you now-"

"You're _my_ assistant!" Johnson sunk in his chair.

"I feel more like your son going through a very messy divorce between two people who never loved each other."

Ivan and Alfred looked at one another.

And they held that gaze in a showdown for an excruciating moment before Ivan's hand shot up, a split second before Alfred's.

"Dibs on father-"

"OH YOU CAN GO TO HELL!" Alfred yelled as he ripped the car into gear, Ivan leaping into the passenger seat before the other could speed away.

"Where are we going ?"

"I swear to GOD it is _NOT _beneath me to slam your side into a pole!"

"Ah, as delicate as ever I see." He leaned back slightly as the car took off, racing down the path towards the security gate. Ivan glanced this way and that, looking off to the presidential building in the background. And at the group of people gathered out front.

"What is this? Another tea party?"

"What's what?" America slowed down as he nodded towards the security guard, the gates in front opening.

"Those people. They have signs and such."

"Man I didn't hear about any protest. Johnson?"

The younger American placed his elbow on the doorframe, then resting his cheek on his fist.

"There was a protest arranged online. It's getting quite large. There have been little ones throughout the states, but this is the first major one. This is the first day."

Alfred scoffed as they turned onto the road, zipping down the main street, the wind in his hair. He spoke up over the wind.

"Should I be concerned?"

Ivan laughed.

"Ah, if it's not health care or gun laws, could it be they are protesting the corrupted filth of-"

"Actually it is of concern sir. It's about you two."

Alfred lowered his shoulders slightly.

"I told everyone that this wasn't _romantic_-"

"You hurt my feelings dear-"

"Can it commie."

"No sir, not like that," Johnson adjusted his sunglasses, "It's the actual union. They're…well, they're trying to enforce that personifications shouldn't have as much power over their government."

Alfred rolled his head.

"Why?"

"Because they think you two made the union on your own accord. They think that you vetoed the government and basically put both your societies out of whack just for personal gain."

"Well that' stupid!"

Johnson shrugged.

"I only know what the internet tells me sir."

Alfred took a glance at the rather large crowd gathered before the white house. In the distance he could hear their angry cries over a megaphone. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

He wasn't use to his citizens being angry at him personally.

"This is stupid." He called out, passing a car as he drove, "We're getting blamed for someone else's screw up- and what do they want? What? So they just want us to sit around?"

"I think they don't want personifications involved in politics."

"Well that's stupid! Imagine personifications not taking action in politics. Just imagine that, a world without us."

Ivan nodded.

"That does sound far fetched. Though governments have functioned without personifications before-"

"Yeah, maybe in the Soviet Union. And we all know how that turned out."

Russia grabbed the wheel and yanked it to the left, causing Alfred to squeal and the car to swerve violently. Surrounding vehicles honked angrily and dodged the car, some people hollering language not suited for this fic.

"In case you two forgot I _don't_ come back when I die!" The younger American screamed in the back, causing Ivan to laugh.

"No no, I know that. I know. It's what makes this all the more amusing." Alfred attempted to slap Russia over the head. Russia grabbed his arm and twisted it behind him, causing him to twist the wheel and again spin them into the other lane.

This continued for the next half hour drive home. By the time they pulled into the driveway Johnson was glued to the floor.

"Oh get up. You went to war for two years, you can take a little driving heat." America yawned, slamming the car door behind him.

"If we were back in my home we would not be doing such reckless things you know." Ivan sighed as he got out of his side. Alfred laughed.

"Yeah, already told you, we ain't movin' to your place till it's been a year. Once you've proven you can go a year without strangling me we can move to your place."

"But that is so long from now…" Ivan whimpered, moving to the back seat and prying Johnson off the car floor.

"Yeah well, you get to go home every fifth week for eight days, so at least you have that."

Both nations looked up, reminiscing over those beautiful days.

"I cherish those days. Being alone, not having to deal with your immature face."

Alfred whipped away a tear.

"M-me too."

Meanwhile, Johnson clung to Russia, his muscles still spastic over his traumatic car ride. The three men walked back to the house, Alfred fumbling with his keys at the door.

"Ah, and how are England and France?"

"Yeah, no need to worry about that dawg. I told yah, France won't press charges because he'll just think it was all England's idea…and England would just say it was anyway. It's what they do. Some kind of sick joke between….." He paused and looked up.

"Between?"

"Man I don't even know. It's like…a friendship built on boiling, burning hatred."

There was a pause.

"I can relate-" The door opened to a calm, then surprised Ivana. She stared at the quivering agent, then at her nation.

"Is it Training Tuesday already?"

"What? Oh no no child!" Ivan laughed as he handed the agent to her, the woman grunting under the weight of the man. Johnson wrapped his arms around her and stared into the nothingness of his experience, "We just went for a car ride."

"The ducks… so many ducks." He whimpered. Ivana rolled her eyes and sighed, slowly turning and waddling to the living room.

Ivan stretched his arms and removed his shoes, heading straight to the kitchen (Alfred following, naturally).

"So," Alfred began as he opened up the fridge, hankering for a sandwich, "We got the town it was delivered from and we know it wasn't France."

"Agreed."

"Any bright ideas, other than the obvious?"

Ivan let out a deep sigh from his nose.

"Nothing faster I must say."

"Fine then," The American pulled out various ingredients along with a two beers, tossing one to Ivan before he set the food down, "We determine the approximate shipping week then obtain the surveillance footage from all post offices in the town at that time. Then-"

"Review all the footage for a suspect. Yes I know." The Russian opened the beer and took a sip, rubbing his head, "This would be much easier and faster if we could have the majority of our governments helping us."

"Yeah well, you heard the boss. Only a select few can know the real reason behind all this, so it's only those few that can actually help out. You can't trust large amounts of people now a days, not with all the social networking someone could-"

"Slip up I know. Yes. I don't disagree, I just find it painful."

"Yeah," Both were silent for a moment, drinking in peace. "Do you want to make the call or should I?"

Ivan leaned the bottle back and in a few short gulps downed the rest of the alcohol, giving a satisfying sigh before placing it on the counter.

"I shall do it, since I know you are incompetent with anything before you have had your daily gargantuan intake."

Alfred laughed.

"Yeah you're right. I just wanted to see what you'd say."

And with that they went their separate ways, Ivan making his way to the study, Alfred creating the world's largest sandwich.

In the living room Johnson sat with his knees held against his chest. His eyes were fixed on the television which displayed a rerun of CSI. Ivana sat on the other end of the couch, clicking away on the keyboard as she glanced up every now and again.

"Are you ok? I would offer you tea, however your boss is in the kitchen and I fear for my life if I go in there while he is eating."

Johnson nodded slowly.

"Yeah, it's best to stay away from him during feeding time."

Americat jumped onto the couch and meowed loudly, begging for attention. Johnson poked the animal with his foot.

"Did you fill in the reports for the visitation to France?" Ivana asked.

"Yeah."

"Did you make sure to avoid any mention of meeting with Francis?"

"Yeah."

"Did you include the kidnapping report of North Korea?"

"Yeah."

"Did you file the-"

"Yes it's filed, yes it's filled in, yes the main parts are in French. Now please let me watch my show."

Americat meowed again angrily. Johnson reached out to shove the furry creature aside. Ivana huffed and leaned against Johnson, much to his dismay.

"You are very mean today. I just ask because I always see you on your laptop but never working on projects I know."

Johnson lowered his head so his nose peeked out from above his knees.

"I do a lot of filing and reporting for America and he constantly asks me to work on secret little projects so yes, I am on the laptop a lot."

Ivana maneuvered so that her back was lying against him, using him as a sort of chair as she continued to type.

"Ah, good to know, so good to know."

"Please get off me."

"I've never heard a man say that to me before."

Americat growled and shoved himself against Johnson too, nuzzling himself between his legs. The agent glared at the television.

From the kitchen Alfred watched in amusement, wondering if he should bother the two before deciding against it. What if they were flirting-

_About damn time he got himself a love interest. At least one of us shouldn't be miserable and alone._

With his enormous sandwich America walked towards Russia's makeshift workroom. He took a bite of his meal before opening up the door, a hand on his hip as he spoke loudly.

"So what's up doc?"

Russia turned his head quickly, his phone pressed tightly against his ear as he uncrossed his legs. With a slight of his hand he shooed Alfred away, motioning that he was still on the phone.

"Oh, you're still on the phone?"

Russia pressed his free hand to the receiver.

"Yes. Get out."

And so Alfred walked in.

"I can wait dude."

"No. Get out. This is important." Russia hissed as the American walked further into the room finally settling down on the desk, his backside crushing a binder beneath him.

"It's cool dog I can wait."

"_Get out_."

Someone asked something on the other end and Russia stammered to make a reply.

"Who is it?" Alfred asked (rather loudly).

"Yes. Yes all the recordings of the week. No matter what the store. Anywhere that sends packages and has a surveillance camera." Ivan spoke to the phone, his eyes looking off to the window. Alfred turned around and yanked on the cord to the blinds causing them to race upwards.

Also causing the light to shoot right into Ivan's retinas.

Russia swore as he shielded his eyes, Alfred munching loudly on his sandwich.

"It's just, your ass is so pale I thought you could use a little light-"

Ivan kicked at Alfred angrily, sending him a threatening glare. Alfred kicked back making contact with Ivan's shin. "You don't scare me, son."

"I should-what? No. No I am dealing with something right now. Yes this is important, don't question me."

Alfred kicked him again. Ivan kicked back. Alfred stood up and leaned over Ivan, intentionally chewing close to his ear.

"You know, some people don't like it when I chew loud-" Ivan slapped him away. America then wrapped his free arm around the other and pulled his head under his chin, "But I think we have got a special connection so that you don't mind."

"Get OFF-" Ivan struggled as he kicked himself against the American. Alfred tried to grab the phone as Ivan held on with a death grip.

"Don't fight the feelin' Ivan-"

"I SAID GET- I am having to go. I must take care of business- and by take care of I mean maim."

And in one quick motion Ivan threw down his cell phone and reached up, smashing his palm into Alfred's face. Alfred stumbled back as the Russian turned around and stood.

"Ow-WHAT THE HELL MAN-" Alfred swore.

"DON'T WHAT THE HELL MAN ME! I SHOULD BE THE ONE SAYING WHAT THE HELL MAN!"

"Well…well…WHAT THE HELL MAN!"

Russia waved his arms angrily as if not able to express his sudden frustration. Alfred watched with a blank face, waiting for Russian to calm down.

They then looked at one another for a long moment.

Before Alfred lifted up his sandwich and broke the silence with a loud crunch.

"Give me your sandwich-"

"What? NO! I ain't' giving you my sandwich!" The American yelled as he held the object defensively close.

"Give me your SANDWICH-"

"LIKE HELL-"

"GIVE IT TO ME-"

"NO!"

"_I SAID GIVE IT TO ME-"_

"_I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL!_"

And then much screaming and kicking and wrestling and biting ensued.

Johnson sat on the couch, the same as before, his eyes glued to the screen as he listened to the banshee calls in the background.

Sometimes he really hated his job.


	17. In the back of my pick-up

Hahaha- can you tell I wrote this over a series of weeks? Because it is so mashed up? So this was supposed to be like...two updates but then I thoughts 'oh what the hell' and just shoved it all together. I didn't want to write intros and outros so I just kept writing...and here we are. I wrote THIS ALL JUST for the last scene. That's all I wanted. Why is there so much filler BEFORE the last scene? I guess it's character development. And I like writing these two beating each other up. This update will be really...all over the place because I'm super tired and sick and I didn't run this past my BETA because I just want to get this up...So I hope you enjoy. It's kind of garbage but at least it's an update. Don't be a player hater.

I don't own Hetalia.

/

There was a loud applause as the two nations waved briefly to the audience. The popular, late night talk show house chuckled.

"So happy to have you here."

"Happy to be here my good sir. We were just in the area you know? Thought we'd stop by."

"Well thank you for that," The host nodded, "Though it's not a surprise if you're already on the guest list."

"We go our own way." Alfred mused, leaning back in the chair and smiling to a cute girl in the audience. She almost fainted.

_Aw yeah._

"Clearly. Alright let's get down to it. The big news. You two have been together for a few months now, isn't that right?"

"Has it been that long?" Russia asked, stretching his arms to rest on top of the couch.

"Yeah, the time has just flown by." Alfred snorted, leaning forward since he could feel Ivan's hairy, dirty arm right behind his neck.

_Which would look kind of intimate-_

_BE QUIET BRAIN I'M IN THE ZONE_

"What's it been like? It seems that whenever you're in the limelight you always just talk about plans and politics. We already know all that- what we want to know is what your home life is like."

"It's interesting to say the least." America sighed. The audience chuckled as the host continued.

"Come on, more details. Give us the real dirt on what nation marriage is like."

The audience laughed as Alfred cracked his knuckles.

"I sleep _across the hall_ and I can hear him. When Japan came over he flipped and thought there was an earthquake." The audience laughed once more as Russia kept a neutral face.

"And you Ivan, do you have anything to say?"

After a long pause filled with soft chuckles from the audience the nation spoke.

"He wears dirty underwear-"

"I DO NOT!" Alfred shrieked as the audience howled with laughter. The host held his face as he laughed, taking some shallow breaths before calming down.

"Well you're certainly acting like a married couple."

The two remained completely neutral to that comment. The host continued.

"I know you two have stated that you don't consider this marriage to be anything like a typical citizen marriage, but is there anything that the two do have in common. Does one of you cook while the other watch football?"

"No, is really normal," Ivan spoke, his voice calm as he gently waved his hand, "Sometimes one will cook, or the other, or we go to restaurant. And we do not clean, that is what unemployed graduates are for."

The host turned once again to Alfred.

"Then can you tell us, what is the worst part of being with Russia?"

Alfred's smile fell.

"He's a hitter."

Everyone looked at Ivan who shrugged.

"What can I say? He burns the food." Soft laughter began as Alfred made quick eye contact with Ivan. He then gave an over dramatic sigh.

"It's terrible! It's like I can't do anything right! Like on Monday, I made this great cake-"

"It was terrible-"

"This AMAZING cake, and I spend all afternoon on it and I decorate it and make it nice. And you know what he does? As soon as I give him a slice he just looks at it, then at me, then at the cake, then he FLIPS!" Alfred jumped up then fell back in his seat. "_Did you think I would like this?'_ he says. _'You think you can give me this garbage to eat?' _And I'm on the floor and I'm all like '_I'm sorry! I thought you liked vanilla cake!'_"

Russia shrugged.

"Vanilla cake offends me. He knows this. So I had to teach lesson."

"And he just wailed on me man. He just pinned me to the floor and punching me in the face and-"

"Tell him about time I bitch slapped you with belt."

"Yeah! So this one time I asked him where the money was and if he spent it all on alcohol. Then he just stood up, grabbed his pants and started taking off his belt," At this moment Ivan gave in, his body shaking as he tried to contain his laughter. Alfred's face kept betraying him, a laugh rising up in his belly, "And he just slid it off and was all like 'I'm not taking questions right now. But my belt is.' And I- I was like-" Finally Alfred broke down and began laughing, his body shaking as he leaned back in the chair. Ivan continued to laugh and patted the younger nation on the back.

Alfred wiped away a tear and looked at Ivan.

"That's terrible. We're terrible people." And the laughter continued.

Both nations watched as the youtube clip finished, the smart phone happily moving the screen back to the regular video page. America looked up at Russia, who leaned on his hand.

"So…in hindsight, we probably shouldn't have made jokes about domestic abuse." Alfred sighed as he locked his phone and put it back in his pocket. The diner around them was busy. People talked and chattered as the wait staff tried desperately to help each customer.

"I thought it was funny. Besides, I hit men and women. So it is equal." Alfred sighed again and leaned back in the booth. He rolled his neck back and forth in a vain attempt to stop the aching.

"'Bama's called me like, five times. I haven't picked up. I'm too afraid."

"And thus we are here, at this diner- ordering greasy, undercooked, under seasoned, lukewarm food. Typical American cuisine."

Alfred twirled his fork in his hand.

"First of all, our food ain't here yet. Second of all, you know we get to go to your house in a few weeks so keep it in your pants till then."

Ivan sighed.

"I will try…" A young waitress approached their table with two plates in her hands. She blushed slightly and stuttered as her hands shook.

Ivan was slightly concerned that her nerves would simply get the better of her, thus causing her to drop the food all over them.

But then he thought it would be hilarious to see America's face covered in hamburger grease, so he kept it to himself.

"F-for you s-s-sir-"

"It's cool girl, you can call me America. Or Jones if you like." He attempted a wink but it was with left eye which she could not see, so she just took a deep breath and handed him his triple-decker hamburger. She turned to Ivan and nodded, about to speak before he snatched the plate out of her hand. He gave her his typical childish smile.

"Spiciba dear. Though I do not wish you to drop my cake all over my clothes. They are worth more than you make."

The girl looked away and nodded, quickly scurrying off like the mouse she was. Russia sighed happily as he looked down at his mediocre food.

There didn't seem to be any hairs in it, so that was good.

He then looked up to his eating companion, who gave him a rather displeased expression. Ivan tilted his head.

"What?"

"You didn't have to be such a dick dude."

Ivan smiled.

"I do not know what you mean."

"You always act like you're so freakin awesome, but you know what? You're just a jerk. You're way to blunt bro. This is why chicks don't dig you."

"As they dig you?"

America picked up a fry and popped it into his mouth.

"The honeys love my swag B. A fine thing like me? Get real. Compared to a hairy, blubbery mountain goat like you."

Ivan sighed joyfully and stared down at his cake. It was rather nice looking, with chocolate sauce and powdered sugar on top. Ivan stroked the plate delicately.

Before slamming it right into Alfred's face. He held the plate there, the chocolate dripping down as he smeared it into the other's face.

"Do you like that Jones? It is hot, yes? I hope you like it because it is the only sweet heat you've had in 35 years."

Alfred held up his hand in order to give Ivan the finger. Ivan chuckled as he tore the plate off the young man's face, which was now covered in chocolate. Alfred continued to hold his finger up and pushed it closer towards Ivan. "Oh please Alfred." Ivan rolled his eyes as Alfred pulled his hand back.

He then grabbed a patty out from his hamburger and slapped it onto Ivan's face, the back of his hand with his middle finger held high holding it in place. He then smeared the greasy, burning patty all over the Russian's smug face.

"I know how much you enjoy having some meat in your face Braginski-" Ivan grabbed the younger nation's hand and bent it painfully backwards, causing Alfred to hiss out and drop the patty. This revealed Ivan's unamused expression.

"You will regret that decision Jones."

"Yeah, like I regret doing YOUR MOM." And that was when Ivan reached down and flipped the table. The food, drinks and cutlery went flying and smashed into the front entrance. And thank god there wasn't a booth behind Alfred or someone would have had a face full of wood.

(Hahahahaha- but seriously they would have died)

Alfred covered himself from the flying debris before being grabbed and slammed to the floor. It felt like a bus had just decided to pick a fight with him.

Ivan shook him violently before Alfred grabbed the other too.

"Too bad for you, but I ain't got enough change for the fare."

Ivan's face quickly changed from rage to confusion before Alfred slammed his knee into the Russian's stomach. Ivan buckled over as Alfred squirmed out from underneath him. He quickly stood and slammed his heel into Ivan's back, the older man crying out and rolling over.

Citizens screamed all around them, Ivan looked up through his blurred vision to see that stupid, smiling face. He also watched as that face fell, America's legs flying out from under him as Ivan swiped his own feet underneath. The Russian scrambled to get to the other but he was a second too late. The younger nation had already reached down and whipped out his pistol, a smug look on his face.

"How do you like DEM appl-" The shrieks around hit an even higher pitch. The two nations paused and looked around at the hysterical citizens. Many had already fled the building, others hiding under their tables. The children were pushed behind the adults, shielding their younger bodies from danger. Alfred looked at Ivan, who looked at Alfred.

Maybe he shouldn't have pulled out the gun?

After all, people were-

Russia snatched the gun out of Alfred's hand (by the barrel) and slapped America across the face with it.

Alfred stared up in astonishment.

"Did you just HIT ME with my own GUN?" Ivan then held the gun in both hands. And broke it.

A horrible gasp came from the American as he scrambled forward.

"D-did you just BREAK MY GUN?! YOU BASTARD! You can't just BREAK a man's GUN!"

And that's when they heard the sirens.

It was only later in the car that they fully analysed the situation.

"Well, that could have gone better." Ivan mumbled, his hands firm on the pick up's wheel as he drove away from the disaster.

Something exploded in the background.

He accelerated from the smoke and flames, hoping to put as much distance between themselves and the authorities as possible.

Alfred adjusted the side mirror with his hand, the wind throwing his hair back and forth.

"At least the ambulance finally showed up."

"Yes. Is nice no one died-"

"Except that kid's puppy."

Both stared ahead grimly.

They drove on through the small town. A sprinkle of street lamps began to light, the far setting sun sinking into the horizon. The warm air moved throughout the truck.

Russia glanced quickly at the different signs, waiting to find the highway out of this train wreck of a situation. He was actually afraid of getting lost, but to confess to Alfred that he didn't know his way was a fate worse than a day alone with Belarus, and thus he just went ahead, trusting his instincts.

Both nations tried to relax. They knew they had gone overboard. They knew they had let the situation get out of control. And they knew, most of all, that they were about to get some serious hell from their superiors.

"Where shall we go? We cannot go home." Russia sighed as he checked his blind spot and turned, making his way onto the highway. They had fled L.A. after the interview and told no one about their location, not even their beloved assistants.

And now they had just blown up a Denny's outside Healdsburg.

_At least it will take an hour before the SWAT team arrives. We should be long gone before then._

"Dude I don't know," The American sighed, resting his hand on the window frame, "But I think we should get back to a city."

"Hmm. To blend in with the crowds?"

"Yeah dude. If we just stop by a Target or something we could get changed and blend in."

"I do not know if I will be able to blend in as well as you." Russia mumbled checking his rear view mirror. He was not only referring to the fact that he was a 300 pound Russian, but also to the dissimulare affect.

The dissimulare affect, or the disguising affect, was something first named by the early nations. It was the name of a peculiar trait that all nations possessed in which they could blend into a crowd of their own citizens. Many nations theorised this was a strategy created to hide during times of war. Others believed it helped to avoid citizen attention during revolutions. Either way, if a nation was in their homeland and among a certain number of people they could become another stranger in a crowd.

Something that Ivan doubted he could do in the U.S. He was taller and sturdier than most people. Not to mention it was summer and yet he still wore his scarf.

"If you're worried 'bout the scarf cool your jets. We'll just buy you some hipster glasses and you'll be fine. Just pretend you're a foreigner."

"I am a foreigner."

"Atta boy."

Russia pouted. It would certainly be a long night.

In the end they had stopped by a mall and bought some basic clothes. Surprisingly enough Alfred didn't take five hours to choose an outfit (and it didn't cost more than a car). He just got a simple blue T shirt with a black design and an orange over shirt. He also got a pair of blue Ray Banz to edge it up a little.

…

And he bought shoes.

He had a thing for shoes.

Shut up.

It's masculine.

It was Ivan who had taken some extra time, humming and hawing over the different options given. Alfred had kept sighing and moaning, dramatically throwing himself over counters and benches as the Russian continued on. It wasn't so much that Russia wanted a certain style as it was he needed something that fit well.

He was a bit sensitive. At one point he tried on a shirt that was a bit too tight. America had made a gagging noise to show his displease.

So Russia love tapped him through a clothing rack to show his displeasure.

Finally he was forced to wear a rather loud red, plaid shirt with a black tshirt. And red sunglasses.

As they stepped outside, into the night, Ivan pouted further.

"Why is it we are wearing sunglasses at night?"

"It's the next cool thing dude. Besides, it helps us stay incognito."

"Won't we look more out of place if we are walking around blind?"

"Just trust me dude. I know American fashion." Russia gave a very sad sigh and nodded.

It was true. America did know American fashion- with all its ridiculous neon colours and overbearing accessories.

America then turned to Ivan and motioned towards the parking lot.

"So…I was kind of hoping to ditch you at a Starbucks or something-"

"Oh! I do have an idea-"

"No, no you're too happy so whatever it is no-"

"We should go to a club. It would be very nice."

America lulled his head as he began to walk to the car.

"Ok, first of all, we're _trying_ to avoid attention, not get it. Second of all, I just said I wanted to ditch you, so I don't think-"

"A club would be good because we can leave each other alone," Ivan began as he caught up with Alfred in only a few strides, "And, if you think about it, it is loud, dark, and most of the people are drunk."

"Yeah but, I mean," America leaned against the car door, "It just sounds kind of weird to hide from society in a club."

"Can you think of a reason not to?"

Alfred stared at the taller man for a very, very long moment.

"…Did your English just get better?"

"To club we go then!" Ivan chirped as he rounded to the driver's side.

"No but seriously, do you just fake incorrect grammar around me or what?" America got in the car.

"No no, I just speak as I like," The Russian giggled, starting the car and pulling away, "Like when I feel need to speak in filthy American accent."

Alfred grinned.

"Do the accent."

"….I do declare-"

"AW DO IT! DO THE ACCENT TONIGHT!"

And so they drove off down the road, the night air rushing through the car as Russia chirped and chimed in his (surprisingly good) Texan accent. When they finally pulled into a parking lot at Long Beach they had decided on a more Northern accent.

"Southern just don't feel right with you dude. You can just smell it on you. You can smell the 'not southern' on you."

"Hmm," Ivan nodded, "Too much godless sophistication, not enough cotton and pecans," He paused, "And southern comfort."

"I could go for some Southern Comfort."

"As could I."

"I meant the drink."

"I did not."

The club they came up to was seemingly large enough, set on the edge of a back street just south of the more popular areas. A man stood at the door smoking a cigarette, nodding at the two men as Alfred flashed him a smile.

Russia stared longingly at the cigarette as his fatter companion entered the building. He also smiled at the man, hoping that perhaps he would get an offer for a light. Instead the other man began to shrink, his feet stepping back as he stared directly into Russia's eyes.

His soulless, bright eyes-

"H-hey man. It's cool. It's cool."

Ivan looked around.

"Hmm, not really. Is rather warm today-"

"H-here man. Just take it. Here. Here man." And with that a watch was shoved into Ivan's hands. He stared down at it and pouted. After all, he did not want a watch, he wanted a light.

He shrugged though. Beggars can't be choosers.

"I be thanking you." He sang to the now traumatised American as he put on his slightly used watch and entered into the club.

The sound was deafening as he walked in, the small hallway dark leading into the large dance room. Inside all sorts of people swayed and danced, the blaring music drowning out any sound of conversation. From above neon lights flashed this way and that, causing the visibility to increase and decrease in only a few moments. Russia looked around for his stupid American drinking buddy. He looked at the citizen dancers. He looked at the gogo dancers on stage. He looked at the seating area with fine couches and rich drunk women. He looked back at the gogo dancers.

Finally he tore his eyes away to see a blond man motioning to him from the bar. He nodded and made his way over ('accidently' shoving some rich kid out of the way). He sat down in an empty stool beside America and smiled.

"Iz nice spot! I like the half naked women!" Alfred put his sunglasses on his head and made some sort of face.

"What? Yeah dude they have ice here! Why wouldn't they?"

Russia giggled.

"I am confused why a virgin such as yourself would come here though! Less you enjoy dwelling in your only loneliness!"

"What? Dude I can't freakin hear you when you monologue!" America turned to the bartender and nodded towards him, pointing towards some Stoli and making a 'two' with his fingers. The other man nodded and grabbed the bottle. Russia reached to take the bottle and Alfred slapped his hand out of the way.

The bartender poured two shots and gave it to the two nations. Ivan took his own and raised it, Alfred mimicking the motion.

"To burning bridges and building new ones." Alfred nodded and took the shot, slamming the glass on the counter. Immediately it was refilled.

Russia help up his glass and looked to America, awaiting a toast. Alfred looked around.

"Uh- to- um- to good dental hygiene." Alfred thought Ivan wouldn't hear him.

He did and laughed joyfully before taking his shot. Alfred rolled his eyes and sipped his glass, turning away from Ivan to look at the crowd.

All sorts of people danced and moved on the floor. On the stage the DJ nodded and grooved to the beat, her short hair bobbing this way and that. He glanced at the different faces trying to determine if he saw anyone he knew.

He liked going to clubs. He liked dancing. He liked being social. He liked getting drunk. All things a guy could do at a club. Half of the time he wouldn't even go with anyone- he would just immerse himself in the music and make some new friends. He loved meeting his citizens and generally they liked hanging out with him.

And sure, every now and again he would get a woman's number, and sometimes he would call her back. But nothing ever happened. And then he would do it all over again. More new faces. More fun times.

But they were never real friends or real fun. Just kind of distractions. Dancing was a distraction. Socialisation was a distraction. Drinking was a distraction.

America frowned at his sudden philosophical and incredibly depressing line of thought.

_Wow. Been a while since I've done some pessimistic self-reflection. Arthur must be rubbing off on me._

He looked again at the crowd and noticed how many couples there were. Really noticed. He looked at all the different people hooking up. He watched as they moved and slide against one another. And he wondered how many of them were really couples, or were just future one night stands.

And he wondered why he couldn't do that.

Why he felt this need for a relationship rather than just a quick fix when it seemed that everyone else was perfectly fine with a band aid solution. Hell, the majority of his own citizens did it.

He frowned further, the noise suddenly becoming too loud and the air too thick. His stomach sank. He straightened his back and tried to take in a breath of the hot, thick air.

He suddenly felt crowded. He needed some space.

He turned in his chair and hollered, "Listen dude, I think- OH WHAT THE HELL IVAN?!"

Said Russian had his back to Alfred, his face preoccupied with a twenty something year old's. America threw his hands up and stood.

"SERIOUSLY DUDE?! SERIOUSLY?! It HASN'T EVEN BEEN 10 MINUTES!" And that was when Ivan pulled his hand out of the woman's hair and, without looking, gave Alfred the middle finger.

America threw up his hands once more and swore loudly, smacking Ivan on the back of the head. Russia pulled his face away just in time to see Alfred leave. The American could hear the Russian call out for him but he didn't care. He was way too pissed off.

So he stormed out. Out the door, passed the stupid looking guard, and down the street.

_Whatever man. Whatever._

He walked for a while, a few times wanting to steer into a bar before thinking 'just like dad' and getting more pissed off and walking on.

Finally he found himself in some independent coffee shop. He ordered a large coffee and five cupcakes. The girl gave him an odd look. He gave her a death glare. She gave him an extra large coffee and five cupcakes with sprinkles.

_Damn right._

"Stupid no good…" He swore under his breath, sitting by the window so he could stare down anyone who walked by. He was just in one of those moods where he needed to suck the joy out of anyone around him. He slowly unwrapped his cupcakes, ripping apart the wrappers into little pieces before shoving the cake into his mouth. So he was eating his feelings. What else was new? It was either that or buy useless crap to make him happy.

And most of the stores were closed by now.

_Not that it matters since I'm in debt._

He tore up another wrapper viciously.

_Maybe I should just call Arthur and give him hell._

…

_Since he's half the reason for my issues-_

And that was when Alfred slammed his face into the table. And he just sat like that.

For an hour. At one point the cashier came to make sure he was ok. He gave her a thumbs down. She gave him a free hot chocolate. He gave her a mumbled 'thank you'. Every now and again he would lift his head to drink the liquid chocolate, only to have his head slam down once more.

After an eternity he lifted his arms and folded them on the table, his head resting softly as he stared out the window.

Someone entered the room, paused in the doorway, then ordered some fancy European tea.

Alfred glared out the window.

His teeth gnashed together as the tea drinking individual sat down at his table.

Neither spoke for a long time.

Instead they both stared out the window to the almost empty streets.

Finally America cracked, his voice a deep growl.

"What happened to your hooker?" Ivan took in a long breath and gave a gentle sigh.

"I found out she was 16. And seeing as I do not particularly enjoy a scandal such as that I left and went searching for an older one instead. Then I happened upon a rather pathetic looking girl, so I came into this coffee shop only to discover that she is, in fact, a man."

America stayed silent. Ivan tapped his tea cup.

"…that woman is you-"

"Yeah I got that."

More silence. Russia took a delicate sip from his tea and looked once more outside. There wasn't much to see. A car was parked across the road outside a bookstore. Beside that was a clothing store selling vintage items. Every now and again a stray car would pass down the street, taking it's time in the late evening.

Or should he say morning?

"Jones, you do know that the whole reason I latched myself onto an underage girl was to 'push your buttons."

"Yeah."

"Just as, the reason you took me to Denny's was because you know I hate American diners."

"Yeah."

"So," Ivan leaned back, "Why is it that you decided to act like a thirteen year old girl and storm out?"

"Because I'm not in the mood to put up with your crap ok? So just drop it. I don't even care anymore-"

"Yes you do-"

"No I don't-"

"Yes, you do-"

"NO I DON'T!" The few people in the coffee shop looked over at them as Alfred swore once more and lowered his voice, "Just, whatever ok. It's fine. Whatever."

Ivan took in another long breath and exhaled slowly, observing the young man before him. Alfred crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, his melancholy replaced with a frustrating irritation. Ivan tapped once more on his tea and looked out to the road.

A couple walked by, their hands interlocked as the man whispered something to the woman.

Alfred clenched his jaw. Ivan tapped his tea again.

He didn't have to remind Alfred that he hadn't gotten laid in years- that didn't seem to be the actual issue. And he certainly didn't need to bring up Alfred's past (messy) relationship since that was an explosive topic on a good day.

And Ivan knew that those arguments were less 'Alfred spazzing hilariously and having no idea what he's doing' and more 'Alfred becoming hysterically violent and making as many personal jabs at Ivan as possible'. And those arguments were Russia's least favourite to have.

So instead he would have to try something new. A different approach. He pondered over the different lines of conversation. He wasn't exactly skilled at being sensitive, so he had to watch where he stepped when it came to America.

He took a sip of his drink.

"So, if Vietnam was your first relationship," Alfred's eyes darted towards Ivan's and glared daggers into him, just asking for Ivan to 'go there'. Ivan glanced towards the window, "I wonder who it was you first had feelings for."

The gaze decreased with intensity. Alfred let out a breath he was holding in and reached for his hot chocolate. He took a sip and looked out the window once more. Ivan looked back to the American and continued on.

"I would not be surprised if it was Matthew or Arthur," Alfred looked at him again, but this time without a burning hatred, "since they were closest to you when you were younger."

America took another sip of his drink, his arms relaxing, his stare calmer.

"It could have been a person."

Russia shook his head.

"No. No nations are like human children. We generally first have feelings for the nations closest to us. It is not uncommon for a nation to develop feelings for the nation raising them." Alfred relaxed his arms entirely, his left hand resting on the table as his right lifted his drink.

"Makes sense."

"Yes, it is a very innocent kind of love. Much like when a little girl says she is going to marry her father when she grows up. But I am curious because, you see, these feelings develop when we are young and then die when our bodies get older. But you, your body grew faster than even a human's. So really, you were a child in a man's body." Alfred blinked, not saying anything. Ivan continued, "That must have been confusing for you."

The American shrugged and glanced outside.

"I don't know…I don't really want to get into it."

Ivan leaned back and took in a breath. After all, sometimes if you wanted something you had to give something in return.

"When I was younger I was first in love with my sister Ukraine." Alfred's eyes shot towards Ivan, giving him his full attention. Ivan sighed happily, "I remember it well. She would always take care of me, even before Belarus was there. She was strong and nurturing, and when we found Belarus I got to see how motherly she was and I thought 'yes, these are all the things a good wife should be'. And so I decided I would marry her when I was older. I told her and of course she would laugh and say that was fine, but I knew she was not taking me seriously." Ivan reached out and traced his finger around the tip of his cup.

"Well, as you know we were separated. I was devastated of course. I had-" Ivan chuckled, "I had thought of her and Bela as my little family. Like we were playing house. I would go out and get food and Ukraine would stay home with Belarus, like a mother staying with the child. I would pretend Bela was our little girl- of course she didn't like that. She said she wanted to play wife but I said no she couldn't because that was Ukraine- and Ukraine would always go along with it." Ivan looked to Alfred to see if he was listening. Alfred stared at him, his attention undivided.

"Well, yes we were separated and I did not see her for a long time. And as you know my days spend under Mongolia were less than pleasant. And of course everyone was fighting me- even my own people. It was not a very good environment for a child." Ivan looked outside again, "But at night, I would look up and think of my bride and think 'I have to be stronger. For my children. For my wife.' Because I knew that a weak nation could not care for her. So I grew, and I got stronger."

He thought back on those cold nights. Back to those days of sleeping in barns cold and hungry and alone- the royals fighting or screaming or tearing each other apart. He thought back to those blistering summer days toiling in the fields. And his throat burned as he thought back to the searing humiliation of pulling the plough beside the bulls. As the lords screamed to pull faster- at being treated like an animal because _he was_ an animal. But through the searing pain and cries he would pull and lift and do anything they asked. He became an animal. He became a machine.

"I got bigger," He looked at his hands, "My hands got bigger. Perhaps not as large as they are now, and perhaps not as large as yours, but they became the hands of a man. And it was only then that I got to see my sister again. And I was so happy. I gave her a big hug and I gave her kisses and I told her that I could take care of her now. But…" He looked off, his thoughts brushing against some memories best left untouched, "Well, obviously it did not work out." Ivan gently picked up his cup and took a sip, looking back at Alfred's curious gaze, "I had changed. We had both changed from the children we were. And obviously we were siblings, so it could never work." He gave a simple shrug.

America leaned into his own hand, continuing to stare at Ivan.

"Did she ever say if she loved you back?"

"Oh, she always told me she loved me. But she had raised me. Of course she loved me."

Alfred nodded.

Ivan waited.

The younger nation tapped lightly on the table and looked around. Finally he gave a small shrug.

"Yeah, I guess it's kind of the same. I mean…I didn't want to get better or anything, but when I was little I had a thing for Arthur."

"That must have been hard. Arthur is not an easy man to have affection for."

America chuckled.

"You're telling me. But- he was a good guardian. Really." Alfred shifted in his seat and rested his elbows on the table, his chin resting in the palm of his hand, "I always looked up to him when I was a kid. I thought he was like, the coolest guy ever. He was so suave and like, everyone listened to him. He always had a plan you know? But…when I grew taller it just….it got weird. I guess like, I don't know, like an adult can't show the same feelings a kid can you know?" Ivan nodded.

"And I just started getting all these strange feelings because I was growing too quickly. And back then, well of course no one talked about 'growing up' or whatever- plus they thought that was Arthur's job to teach me about and he was like, never home. So…yeah. I was so obsessed with him. I would always reread his letters and copy his handwriting. And if anyone touched the stuff that he made me then I would freak out- because I didn't get to see him a lot. So the things he did give me were really special. And I knew he had a lot of other colonies so, so it made me feel special." Alfred shrugged, "So, this one time- it was in the summer- I grew a lot. I mean, I went from like, a ten year old's body to a fifteen year old in a couple of months. It was nuts. Everyone was freaking out. So they sent Arthur a letter and he decided to come and visit me to see how big I'd gotten- and that was a big deal because he only came like, once a year for about two months so I was freaking out that he was visiting again.

"So like, I started asking people what you do when you really really love someone. And they kept telling me really vague information so instead I just started watching people. Like how did my assistants act around their husbands and wives? And I saw they would get flowers for each other and sit close to each other and…you know, hold hands or kiss when they think no one's looking. And, I wanted that but…I didn't understand. I can't explain it. It was like, like a child wanting that. You don't really want it but you think you do because your body does. But you don't- you just want…the attention. Anyway, so Arthur came in on a ship- man you should have seen him," Alfred chuckled, "He walked right past me and went to my assistant and was all 'where's my boy?' and I practically leapt on him. I couldn't help myself. And he got all flustered until he realised it was me- and even then he told me grown men don't hug but I didn't care. So finally we get in the carriage and I'm freaking out the whole ride home because I don't know what to say or do but I'm just so freakin happy he's there.

"And we get home. And we go into the living room and Mary pours us some tea- my maid- and then leaves us alone. And Arthur is talking about how happy he is for me and how _proud_ he is that his colony is already a man. And he's just, gushing over me. And Arthur isn't the type to gush. And I was just so happy at that moment, like my face hurt from smiling so much. And just…"

He could remember. The look on his face. The fire in Arthur's eyes as he fussed and cooed over him. Over _his _boy. And how _proud_ he was of _his_ boy. And how _big_ and _strong_ his boy was. How he was such a fine looking young man.

And that feeling in Alfred's heart. That swelling of joy from the attention and love- more than anything he could ask for.

"And, I just kind of…I don't know. My body just- I just had this sudden urge to just kiss him. So I just kind of, kind of grabbed his face and..." Alfred's face twisted in pain as he continued, "And he…well first of all he shoved me off of him. And when I-I didn't understand. I didn't understand so I kind of, moved at him again and he really shoved me away- like, like I fell off the couch. And he stood up and, and he was covering his mouth and just staring at me. And that look on his face. God it was…it wasn't even shock it was a kind of…I can't describe it. It was so horrible. And then he just lost it. He started screaming 'who taught you that?!'. And I said I didn't understand and he just grabbed me- really really hard- and he was screaming at me. He kept saying 'who's been kissing you?! Who's been touching you?!' and then he dropped me and asked if it was Johnson- the first one, my first assistant. And before I could say anything he started screaming that he was going to kill him. And I told him to stop and to wait and I had to grab his arm- and I'm on the floor so like, I'm reaching up from the floor and I'm crying by now because I'm so confused. And I keep telling him no one's been touching or kissing me I just saw people do it. And that I didn't understand why he was mad but I was really sorry. But he was still….he was so angry. And he said 'who taught you that?!' and I had to tell him again and again 'I saw it! I saw it! Nobody's been kissing me'…."

That look on Arthur's face. The rage and hysteria in his voice. And the way he looked at Alfred. The way he grabbed him and shook him.

"Finally I guess he realised I was telling the truth because he kind of calmed down. But by then I was bawling- like I was hysterical. I had never seen him freak out like that before and I was almost wetting my pants because I was so scared. But he kind of calmed down and started petting my head and eventually he crouched down and asked me why I had done that. So I told him I had seen people who love each other kiss each other, so I thought because I loved him I should do that. And that I wanted to. Then I said I was sorry- really sorry- and that I didn't want him to be mad at me or scream at me anymore. And he started rubbing my back and saying like, like 'oh Alfred, no no, there are different kinds of love.' You know? Like he was saying 'Your love is a young love. Where you just really want to be with the person. But kissing is adult love- when you want to also do physical things with the person.' And I was all like 'but that's what I want' and he was all 'no it's not'. And really, it wasn't. Like…like I didn't want to have sex with him or anything I just…I just wanted to be close to him. And he hugged me and said he was sorry for yelling at me. And I said I was really really sorry and that I would never do it again. And he told me that when I was older I would understand but from then on I would have to tell him if I felt like kissing other people too. And he said it was especially important for me to tell him if other people wanted to kiss me because 'no one is allowed to kiss you' he said.

"And then, well I kept crying…for a while. Finally when I got a bit better we went for a walk in the garden and I fell asleep in his lap. That's obviously the last time he let me do that but…I guess he didn't mind that one last time. It was nice but…you know…and afterwards we just never really talked about it again. He pretended like it never happened so I did too. But…he didn't really hug me after that. Only on special occasions. And…he didn't tell me he loved me after that- but I think that's because 'I was a man and men don't get told 'I love you'' or whatever. So…yeah…and after that I just….I just didn't want anyone else. Well until I met Mai," Alfred tried to grin, "And obviously I didn't tell Arthur I was kissing her until long into our relationship."

Russia gave a soft chuckle as he sipped his cold tea.

"I bet Arthur did not entirely approve?"

America also chuckled.

"No, no not exactly. Let's just say there were a lot of names thrown back and forth during that conversation. And then of course, after my relationship I went to his house and basically drank myself into a coma for three months in his basement."

Ivan nodded.

"I remember that. I tried to get in contact with you in order to make you more miserable. He did very well at hiding you."

"It's all he's really good for."

Both smiled slightly, Russia looking at Alfred, Alfred looking outside. They stayed like that for a few minutes, thinking and mauling over the recent events until one of the workers coughed slightly.

Ivan looked up to a blushing girl with a broom in her hand.

"Sorry guys but um, we closed half an hour ago." America looked at the girl.

"What? Aw girl, why didn't you tell us?"

"You two seemed like you were having a good talk so I just…" She shrugged, "I didn't want to get in the way."

"That is ok. But thank you dear." Both nations got up and stretched, Russia looked at his watch. "Two in the morning? Goodness."

"Yeah, sorry guys. But I know some bars that are open-"

"Naw, that's fine. I think we're gonna go home-into two separate beds." Alfred quickly added as the girl gave them both a shy look. America shook his head and moved towards the door.

Ivan reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet, handing the girl a few bills with a smile.

"Thank you dear. Have a good evening. Do not get mugged on way home, yes?"

"Um…ok." He giggled and followed his companion out the door, the girl staring down at the $600 in her hands. She staggered back into the counter as the two men walked by the window.

"Did you give her a tip?"

"Yes."

"Was it good?"

"You can say that."

"Good."

Both walked in silence.

Ivan reached over and wrapper his arm around the slightly shorter nation, giving him a squeeze on the shoulder.

"By the way- I am too drunk to drive-"

"I guessed as much. Also, why are you so touchy lately? You've been touchy lately- and thankfully not a weird touchy-"

"It is because we are friends. In my culture, men who are friends give many pats on the backs and hugs. We are friends, aren't we?"

America looked off to the side and _did not_ smile (sarcasm).

"So long as we don't have to do the whole 'kiss on both cheek' thing." Ivan let go of him and scoffed.

"Of course not. Then you would have to tell Arthur-"

Alfred grinned.

"Yeah, tell Arthur you've been kissin me-"

"In the back of your truck-"

"In the BACK of my TRUCK-"

"Yes like 'Oh, you know how dem communists are. And he said that was how his people said 'how do you do.' Then he showed me this ancient Russian technique on staying warm-'"

America stopped walking, his knees buckling from his laughter. He coughed and ran up to Ivan, grabbing his arm.

"'Well this is how we do it down south'," Both spat and coughed with laughter, "'So we- no wait- 'So then we had some Southern Comfort'-"

Their laughter could no longer be heard, only voiceless cries as they held their stomachs and gasped for air. Ivan held onto a wall while Alfred held onto his knees, both trying desperately to get air into their lungs. Ivan wiped his hands over his eyes, a few tears streaming down his face as Alfred slapped his own knee.

"I can just see…I can see you saying that. Just to piss him off."

"I know. I know dude."

Both continued to laugh as Alfred wiped his eyes and snorted, his hand on his stomach. "But- ok seriously- where are we going?"

Ivan coughed.

"We should- we should find a place to stay for the night." Both continued to chuckle.

"Yeah, I know some hotels."

"Oh, I was thinking in the back of the pick-up." Ivan mused as Alfred shook his head and began to walk.

"Uh- seeing how drunk and raunchy you are right now, I'd take my chances with a coked up homeless guy."

Ivan followed Alfred, a grin on his face as he gave the other a hard slap on the back.

"Then a hotel. With a pool-"

"With a pool it is. Come yonder dear child, to the hotel I call 'The Hilton'."

"Won't we be carded?"

"I was planning on just getting you to kill one of the guests and take his identity to get me in."

Ivan nodded with a grin and linked his arm with Alfred.

"I've done this before. Is fine."

"Alright cool."

And so off they went, a kind of skip in their step as they bounded down the empty early morning streets.

Arms linked, heads held high.

There was a kind of warmth in the touch. And an understanding.

/

Please tell me what you thought of the pacing. Was there a mood whiplash? Was the back story of Ivan and Alfred believable? Will I ever explain why the kid's puppy had to die? Find out in the next installment of 'He's My Roommate!'

(but seriously review please. It's how I know what to work on and if I'm going in the right direction).


	18. The Woman

The snow...the winter...it is never ending...please...someone help =A=

I don't own Hetalia

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Both men stared through the one way glass at the woman sitting at the table. She ran her fingers through her long, black hair as she stared back at them, a coy smile on her face.

"She…can't see us right?" Alfred asked as Ivan crossed his arms.

"No. She can't."

"Then why is she smiling at us?"

The Russian took in a breath and tapped his biceps, his fingers itching to feel a cigarette.

"I don't want to alarm you but…she can probably smell you-"

"Oh shut up." The two continued to stare as she got up from the table and came directly to the one way window. She moved her head from side to side before leaning closer and touching the edge of her lips. She smoothed her lip liner before pulling out a tube of lipstick and gliding the soft material across her lush, full lips.

Russia's stare slowly fell onto the younger nation, who stared in utter awe and….pathetic love.

"You disgust me-"

"Oh come ON!" Alfred quickly turned to the other, a slight blush on his face, "How was _I_ supposed to know she still had her lipstick-"

"You were the one who searched her. That was your job. What- do you think it is only to 'feel someone up'?"

"No!"

"Then why does she still have her _lipstick_?"

"I don't know! Maybe she hid it in her cleavage or-"

"No- no you were _sure_ to check there-"

"I DID NOT!" Alfred squealed, his face beaming red as he stared back at the glass. The woman smiled at the glass and chuckled, as if she could hear the two, before strutting back to the table.

"Enough of this," Russia sighed as he grabbed the door handle, "Since you appear to be _incompetent_- though I am not _surprised_- I shall be the real man and search her." Alfred flung himself against the door and stared up at Ivan, his eyes panicked as he took in deep breaths.

"N-no way man! I know what that means! You're just going to- going to violate her or-"

Russia rolled his eyes and made a disgusted sound.

"You sleep with her one night and suddenly-"

"W-WE CUDDLED! I told you that's ALL that HAPPENED-" Alfred sputtered as Ivan grabbed his shoulders.

"Do you not see? She has bewitched you! Is classic manipulation! She has made you think she is weak, in need of saving, as if there are feelings between you. But there is not. She is cold. Like my love for you-"

America pushed the other nation away.

"I ain't got no _feelings _for her I just- I just think we should treat her with some dignity!" He looked to the side and blushed once more, "And…and respect-"

Ivan threw his arms in the air like he just didn't care, because by now he just didn't. He turned around, rubbed his face, then made his way towards the back door. Alfred's head perked up as he watched the other leave.

"Hey! Hey where are you going?!"

"I am needing a smoke." Russia grumbled before shoving the back door aside and making his way out into the cool London air. Alfred crossed his arms as the door closed behind Ivan. He walked back to the one way glass and peered inside.

Melissa sat at the table and hummed to herself, her long fingers working their way through her luscious hair. He let out a shaky breath and swallowed the lump in his throat.

It had been a hell of a day.

_24 hours earlier…_

Both nations stood in the abandoned alleyway.

"I feel like a crook."

"What is...crook?"

"Like a crook dude. Like…like a bad guy. A villain. I feel like a villain," Alfred looked up and widened his eyes, "Oh god… I feel like _you_." Ivan let out a huff as he glanced once more around the corner.

"I am not villain. _We _are not villains. Only…friendly citizens going to ask some questions, that is all."

"You said we were going to break her legs-"

"Yes. In a friendly, civilized manner." The Russian rolled his eyes slightly, "Is very simple. Why must you make this so complicated." But it was no use talking to Alfred, he was already back in his own world, mumbling to himself as he looked down at the wet ground beneath his feet.

Ivan took a moment to take in their surroundings. Hiding in a dark, isolated alleyway in downtown London was somewhat questionable. Especially in this terribly cold and wet weather. However he didn't think they seemed too out of place. If anyone asked they could just say they were…postmen. Lost postmen.

Who were foreigners.

_That…would probably not work_.

"Someone's coming!" The American whispered as he slinked further behind Ivan. The Russian peeked around to see a woman in a long white coat coming their way. He tried to scan her face in the short amount of time he had. Long hair, high cheek bones, red lips…

"I believe this is our woman."

"This just seems super sketchy man-"

"Is fine. Just do as I do." And with that Ivan stepped out from around the corner and smiled at the startled woman. He raised his hand in a friendly manner, "Hello."

The woman stared at him dumbfounded. She then looked at Alfred who popped out from around the corner. He gave her a small wave and tried to smile.

"Hey. Uh, we need to talk." A light blush ran over her face as she stared back and forth between the two men.

"O-oh…um…OH! OH YOU'RE-" She pulled her hands close to her chest and looked around frantically, "Uh- I- OH! OH!" She waved her hands before pulling them once more to her chest, "Is this- Are you here to see The United Kingdom? United States of America did you lose his number? He doesn't- I mean he isn't _here_…this is my apartment but- I have his number! Is that what you need?" Ivan took a step forward, which caused the woman to take a step back.

"No no child. We are not here to see Britain. We are here to see someone else." A nervous blush came onto her face as she looked around.

"M-My boss…isn't here either-"

"We are here to see _you." _She looked up at Ivan. He looked down at her. And then he grabbed her arm and threw her around the corner. She stumbled back and threw her arms out, holding onto the wall to keep her standing. She quickly looked up at Ivan, who rounded the corner before Alfred came up beside her.

"Whow! Easy girl." She flinched as America reached over and touched her shoulder.

"W-what is this about?"

"You did something-" Ivan began before Alfred cut him off.

"-You mailed something a few months ago. Back in September. We have video footage of you, in France, mailing two separate…documents to both of our governments." The woman looked around wildly and leaned against the wall.

"W-what?"

"We looked at the footage. It was you. We have your identification. Do not lie. Now…you can either be good girl and tell us or…be not so good girl and we will be forced to-"

"-We just need some information. That's all. Don't listen to him, he's just mad because nobody loves him."

Ivan pouted. The woman took in some shaky breaths, her eyes scanning the dark alleyway. She swallowed harshly and tried to speak.

"I-I do-don't-"

"Yes. You do. Now we need you to-" Ivan pushed Alfred out of the way and smiled at the younger nation.

"You waste my time~ she is obviously lying~." He smiled at the woman. She gave him a terrified look before he grabbed her throat with his giant hand and squeezed. Her mouth opened but no air came in as he pushed her harder against the wall. "You will talk. Now let me hear that pretty voice say 'yes'."

"WHOW! WHOW! HEY!" Alfred tried to pull Ivan off but the larger nation swatted him away, his eyes fixed on the woman before him. Her hands came up to his giant hand clenched around her throat and she lightly clawed at it. He smiled at her and cooed.

"That's adorable-"

"SERIOUSLY dude! Freakin STOP IT!" This time Alfred grabbed Russia by the shoulders and, using his own weight, shoved the large nation off the smaller woman. Her knees gave out and she fell to the ground, her eyes staring up in horror as Ivan frowned at Alfred.

"What is this?-"

"What are you DOING?!"

"Interrogating."

"You can't just _grab her_ you have to-"

"Why are you upset? You use violence all the time-"

And then there was screaming. A blood curdling shriek filled the air as both nations looked back at the woman who was pointing directly at them. And then she got up and bolted, her lungs still exhaling the death cry of a woman being murdered. The two men looked at each other before dashing after the screaming woman.

Alfred caught her first and, after putting his hand over her mouth, pulled her back into the dark alleyway. Ivan stared at the woman with wide eyes as he took a few moments to take what just happened in.

"She…I did not expect that-"

"Ok. Ok. This is _obviously_ not working dude. Not only are we still in the dark, but now the whole neighborhood is going to be looking for us." The woman shook with fear as Ivan reached over and stroked her hair in a really weird way.

"You have plan?"

"Yeah. Yeah 'I have plan'. The plan is, you go off and do…whatever it is you do- like eating cabbage and terrorizing livestock- while I interrogate her. On my own. Without you." Ivan crossed his arms and shook his head.

"I do not trust leaving such an important task to you. You will somehow, 'screw it up', as your father always says."

"Yeah, well, you weren't exactly the crowning glory of interrogation." Both men stared at each other. "Come on Braginsky. I got this." Russia looked at Alfred, then at the terrorized young woman, then out the alleyway. Finally he sighed and unfolded his arms.

"Fine. As you wish." He pinched Alfred's cheek, "Just do not fail me or there will be consequences, yes?"

"Yeah. Ok. Just leave." The Russian chuckled and turned to leave before looking back at the woman. She stared up at him with wide, horrified eyes. He smiled at her and gave her a hug, causing her to scream into Alfred's hand. "Ohh- you are so cute! It is shame I could not be with you." Her scream continued as he let her go and walked off down the alleyway and finally out of sight.

Alfred looked down at the woman who stopped screaming.

"Ok. So this is how it's going to work. We're going to go up to your apartment, and I'm going to ask you a few questions. I won't hurt you- I won't touch you ok?" He lied, "I just need some answers to some questions. Can you do that?"

The woman looked around before giving a slow nod.

"Alright. And no more screaming. Screaming is bad. Believe me, you don't want to scream anymore…alright?"

She nodded once more.

"Ok. I'm going to let go now." He waited a moment, looked around, then finally let go of the woman. She took in a deep breath and looked up at the taller nation. He gave her a smile, "See? We're all good. Nothing to be afraid of." She took a few more breaths and nodded at him. "Alright. Now we're going to go up to your apartment ok?"

She looked around, slightly panicked, but said nothing. Alfred reached over and placed his hand on her shoulder.

"Hey," She looked at him, "I'm not that kind of guy." He said in a very serious tone. Her shoulders relaxed as she nodded once more. She then turned and slowly made her way around the alleyway corner and up to the apartment door. America followed closely behind.

The two things Alfred noticed first were the facts that the apartment was 1) very clean and 2) very small. Beside the entrance sat the kitchen and in front of him was the 'living room'. To his right he could see a doorway leading into a bathroom and beyond that probably the bedroom. The woman removed her coat and hung it in the closet before removing her boots.

"Melissa."

"What?"

"My name. It's Melissa Akazawa." He removed his own coat and stared at her, her eyes looking off towards the ground, "It's Japanese."

"I know." Her eyes came up to meet his once more, "We did a background check on you. Your father came here and met your mother. They live an hour north of here."

"I guess you know a lot about me." She mumbled, her fingers edging up to stroke her long hair. He shrugged and took of his boots, placing them neatly at the entranceway.

"We have to. Those documents you sent were very serious. You're considered a very dangerous person right now." She took a few steps back, her hands now coiling into her raven hair.

"Then…why…why aren't I in an interrogation room? Why are we here?" Alfred took a step into the room, towards her.

"Because I think there's a lot more to this than one person. I think a secretary for the Scotland Yard isn't the one behind a very serious scandal. And I think you know who is-"

"I don't. I don't know anything. Truly." She took a few steps back into the kitchen, her hands intertwined in her hair as she stroked downward, her breaths shaky and out of order.

America took a few steps towards her.

"This is very important Melissa. Very important. Those documents were dangerous. And you can't say you didn't send them. We have your photo and records of you being in town on that date." She took a few steps towards the counter, her back towards him as she stared down the sink.

"I don't-"

He grabbed her and spun her around, his one hand grabbing onto the counter behind her and holding her in place.

"Yes. You do. And you need to tell me. Or else everything is about to get a lot worse." She stared into his bright blue eyes, how close they were, and then looked away. She looked to the left, then to the right, then back at him before lowering her eyes. She shivered. He waited. Until finally she spoke in a much smaller voice.

"I- I can't."

"Yes. You can." She swallowed the lump in her throat and took a deep breath, her fingers climbing once more towards her hair. To comfort her.

_She's nervous._

"I was…I was on vacation. In France," She swallowed again, her eyes becoming glossy as she looked away, "There was a man there-"

"What man?"

"I- I don't know. A man…He had the ID of the special forces. Of…do you know the British agents?"

"Yes."

"He had that. An identification card. An-and he told me he…he was…he was on a m-mission. He knew me b-because I worked for Scotland Ya-Yard and…" She pulled on her hair as she looked away, tears forming in her big brown eyes, "H-he said he had a p-package…for other a-agents in Am….in your cou-country and R-Russia b…but he coul….he couldn't send it. He…he was u-undercover so…so I-"

"So you had to send it?"

She nodded and blinked, large tears dropping from her eyelashes.

"B-but….wh-when I got b-back…I…I sea-searched him I…I lo-looked in the sy-system and…I…I couldn't…f-f-find an-anyone….w-with h-his nu-nu-number so…so-" Alfred leaned back slightly.

"So he didn't work for Britian." She shook her head, large tears streaming down her face.

"N-no! B-but I s-sent-a-and I don't ev-even KNOW w-what it w-was! B-b-but I j-just-" She hiccupped a sob and reached up, trying to wipe away her own tears as Alfred let out a breath, "I've o-only be-been working 2 years! I j-just graduated! I-I'll b-be put i-in pri-prison or- I d-didn't m-mean to! I-I j-just-" And then she cried, her tears taking over as she covered her face with her hands. Alfred let out a small sigh and pulled the woman close, his hand gently stroking her back.

"It's ok…you didn't mean to."

She let out a cry and shook her head, her mouth trying to form words but only letting out a continuation of sobs. He leaned his head against her hair.

"So…you don't know who the man was?"

She shook her head and continued to cry. Alfred looked at the wall. This made things more complicated. If she was just used as a sender then that meant their enemy would be a lot harder to find. But if she got a good look at him then maybe…

It felt like another dead end.

He let out another sigh and held the woman closer, her sobs slowly turning into hiccups. They stayed like that for a while, Alfred holding her and thinking while she let out her sorrow. Finally, after some time her cries stopped and she simply stood there, leaning against him. He listened to her breath and rubbed his cheek against her soft black hair.

He took in a breath and thought maybe, just maybe-

_I can smell orange trees_.

His heart stung and he shut his eyes, pushing the memories away. She pulled away from him slightly and looked up at him, her eyes now only slightly red around the edges as she gave a weak smile.

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't be. We all make mistakes. I've made…a list full."

"I probably look like rubbish." He smiled.

"Not really. It's kind of cute." She chuckled under her breath and looked away, her cheeks slightly flushed. And then he just…

His heart folded into itself. His mouth wanting to say something from a memory. He blinked and looked at those _brown eyes_ and that _black hair_ and those _sad eyes_. And how-

"_No one will make you cry anymore. I promise."_

"_You can not always be a hero Alfred. You can not stop the pain, the tears…"_

_And then he grabbed her and held her against him. In that dark room in the thick, humid air. And he held her hard and squeezed her because maybe if he held her hard enough he could make that pain go away._

"_I love you-"_

Melissa chuckled, snapping the American back into the present.

"You know," She said softly, her ears pink with embarrassment, "I used to…have the biggest crush on you. In high school."

He blinked and smiled, his body leaning slightly towards hers.

"You don't anymore?" She looked away and chuckled again. He looked at her and gave her a soft smile.

"Well, I guess-" It was sudden and soft, when he kissed her. His own face felt hot as he pulled away and gave her another soft kiss. She gasped and stood stunned for a moment before her own hands reached up and planted themselves on his broad shoulders. He pulled away slightly and gave a small laugh.

"Sorry…probably… should have given you a heads up."

"No…no I don't mind." She kissed him, this time her lips moving under his own. His hand reached up and curled his fingers into her soft hair. She pulled him closer into the kiss before…well…

vvvvvvvvvvvv

It was cloudy outside. Alfred could tell by the way the light came in through the window. It didn't come in as distinct streaks of sunlight but instead came in as a steady…well…cutting away the darkness. The American took in a deep breath and let it out, his nose picking up on all sorts of new and unfamiliar scents as he looked around the room.

_Small apartment. Small bedroom_.

He mused as he reached for his glasses on the bedside table. A hand stirred on his chest and reached out, gently stroking his arm before resting once more.

"What time is it?" Asked the voice. Alfred blinked and put his glasses on in order to see the clock on the opposite wall.

"8:56."

"Mmm. Go back to sleep." She mumbled. He yawned and stretched.

"No. I should probably text Ivan." She shuffled through the bed and rested her head on his chest.

"Did you text him last night?"

"No."

"Explains your phone."

"What?" Alfred reached over for his phone and flicked it on. It revealed a hell of a lot of texts and voice mails from Ivan. Alfred rubbed his face, "Ugghh. He's going to be so pissed."

"Hmm. You should stay here then." He placed his phone back on the table and wrapped his arm around her.

"Maybe I will. Maybe I won't leave." She ran her fingers along his arm and looked up at him.

"That wouldn't be too bad."

"I mean, daammmnnn guurrll. That was some good cuddlin last night. I ain't had cuddlin' that good since-"

"Get out." She mumbled as she rolled off of him. He sat up quickly.

"Oh come on!"

"Go get breakfast." She waved lazily. Alfred looked at the door.

"What's in the fridge."

"Nothing. I _was_ going to go grocery shopping but then a nation came by." She rolled her head over and looked at him, "There's a Starbucks across the street."

America was already up and looking for his shirt.

"What do you want?"

"A London fog and a blueberry muffin."

"Done."

Alfred walked with a skip in his step as he made his way down the stairs and out the front doors of the apartment building. Today was going to be a good day. Sure, their investigation had led to a dead end but…that was ok. He and Ivan would figure it out. For now…maybe he could spend some time with Melissa. Maybe they could go to the zoo or something and just…hang out.

He blushed like a teenage girl and ran his fingers through his hair. It could be nice. It could…work.

With a new found confidence he opened the door and strolled up to the counter, a coy smile on his face as he looked at the barista and winked. The man frowned at him but Alfred didn't care because today was a good day.

He ordered a coffee, three muffins and a London fog, his own mind in a kind of fog. A happy fog. With cuddling and warmth and a kind of silly feeling in the pit of his stomach-

Something crashed beside him. Alfred turned to see Ivan staring at him in shock, his tea cup having fallen from his hands onto the ground (and now sitting in a thousand pieces). Alfred opened his mouth but was interrupted when Ivan bellowed:

"You _SLEPT_ WITH HER?!" Alfred's face immediately turned bright red as he shook his hands.

"W-WHAT?! N-N-NO-"

"YOU DID! Oh so NOW you decide to break the streak?!" Ivan grabbed a hold of Alfred and shook him, "I can't BELIEVE you _SLEPT_ with the ENEMY!? ARE YOU INSANE?!" Everyone in the coffee shop eyed the two men as Alfred tried to calm the other down.

"W-WE DIDN'T DO IT! WE-CALM DOWN!" The American shoved the other away and sputtered, "Freakin- Come ON Ivan!"

"You are- I can't believe it." Russia felt his own forehead and looked off in disbelief, "I cannot believe you are actually that stupid. I cannot…you-"

"Dude it wasn't her! Someone made her send the-"

"Where is she now?" Alfred brushed himself off and looked at the apartment.

"Back home-"

"You left her ALONE?!"

"QUITE IT WITH THE YELLING!"

"We're going." Ivan grabbed Alfred by the wrist and began yanking him out of the coffee shop. Alfred pulled against him and stared back at the counter.

"But I need my food!"

"There is no time!"

"Listen man! If you spend the night with a lady then you have to get her food in the morning! That's the protocol!" Ivan continued to drag America out of the store and across the street.

"I just leave witty note that fills woman with shame-"

"WHICH IS WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU!" Russia shoved Alfred into the apartment building and pointed at the buzzers.

"Which one. Get us there now-"

"Dude she's in bed she can't buss us up-"

Ivan grabbed the handle of the door and ripped it open, breaking the door off its hinges. Alfred stumbled to the side and glared at Ivan. "What is your DEAL! Calm DOWN!"

"MARCH!" Ivan yelled, pointing at the younger nation as America sighed and walked into the building. He walked up to the elevator and pressed the button, both nations getting inside and waiting for it to go to the sixth floor.

The tension was high. Ivan bit his lip the whole time. Alfred rolled his eyes like a teenager.

When the door opened Ivan stormed out and looked down each end of the hallway. Alfred sighed.

"It's 607 man-" Immediately Ivan went up to the door and slammed his fist against it, his voice loud and angry as he yelled in Russian.

"_Open up!_"

"Dude chill! Uh- Mellissa it's me! Can you open up! Ivan is super pissed!" They waited. America looked down at his watch then at Ivan, "She probably fell back asleep."

Ivan gave a strained smile.

"How cute." And then he kicked the door down.

"WHOW-DUDE-WHAT THE HELL-"

"Mellissa~ I am here~ I am needing to SPEAK to you~!" Ivan sang as he walked into the apartment. Alfred tried to put the door back when Russia was suddenly in front of him again, his face….about to crack. "She is gone."

"What? Dude you're blind." America sauntered into the apartment and into the bedroom, expecting to see the beautiful woman still waiting in bed-

But she wasn't.

He blinked and looked around the small room.

Then he looked at the bathroom. Which was also empty.

_Huh…_

America swallowed.

"Um…" He walked back into the living room, where Ivan looked out the window desperately. Alfred looked around the room, hoping for a message or-

He noticed the paper on the counter.

"Oh she left a note dude!" Alfred held it up and looked at the beautiful handwriting.

_Dear America,_

_I guess you can add this to your 'list full of mistakes'._

_You can reach me at xxx-929-8909_

_Love,_

_Mellissa_

_p.s._

_I've had better cuddles_

Alfred tried to swallow but…he couldn't. Since the note was not only insulting but…she had listed his phone number as to where to reach her-

He felt his pockets. His eyes widened as he dashed into the bedroom and quickly looked around. It wasn't there. It was gone.

"She left you an insulting note. That would make you the one who got f-"

"I can't find me phone," Alfred looked up, desperation in his voice, "She has my phone."

There was a long silence before Ivan opened his mouth.

"Your personal phone, or your government phone?"

"My government phone."

There was more silence. Ivan took a breath, looked up at the ceiling, then back at Alfred.

Alfred let out a breath, expecting a bit more from-

When his body hit the wall, the whole room shook. The lamp fell off the nightstand and the window above him cracked. He could feel the blood trickling down his back as he gave a weak blink.

Ivan stood in the same spot, as if he had not moved at all, however his shoulders were hunched and his face was dark. A long stream of Russian words escaped his mouth as he flipped out his own phone and began inputting different numbers. America moved, his knees wobbling as he tried to stand. The world spun and his hands shook.

"W-what are-"

"We tried your way. Now we will do it _my_ way." And with a final button pressed Ivan turned off his phone and glared at Alfred, "Now I must clean up your mess." He shook his head, "Just like a child."

America blinked again, his vision settling as he forced himself to stand and take a few steps towards Ivan.

"W-what did you do-"

"I installed something in your phone. She is smart because she shut down the gps, but if she is stupid enough to put it in her pocket then the phone has just given her a very harsh shock, like tazer. This also has tracking device. She is immobile. Now I will find her-"

"I'm coming too-"

"No-"

"YES." Alfred growled, his head still foggy as he stormed past Braginsky and out the door.

They had found her 5 kilometers east. People had called an ambulance but Russia and America took her away, no one questioning the two angry nations.

And so they were here, in the present.

Alfred continued to look at the woman. He had been stupid. He had slipped up. But still…he just couldn't believe the girl he saw the night before was capable of…this.

He looked down at his broken phone.

The tazering had fried it's circuits. Alfred signed and put it back in his pocket. To his left Johnson walked in with a few papers.

"She's good sir. Really good. We can't find anything but these papers on her. They say she is a secretary at Scotland Yard but no one there actually knows her. It's just a cover." Alfred bit his lip.

"But it doesn't make sense. Why go through the trouble of making a fake identity when you know you're going to get caught on camera and be questioned-"

"I _BLOODY_ well have some QUESTIONS OF MY OWN." The two American's went cold as the familiar angry voice stormed up behind Alfred, "Such as _WHY_ one of my citizens is being QUESTIONED-" Alfred turned around.

"Hey Arthur-"

"Don't you even- _what_ is this all about Alfred?! I get a call this evening about you and Ivan bloody _tazoring_ one of my citizens and taking over an interrogation room?! On what GROUNDS-"

"Grounds of felony-"

"Yes I bloody well _got_ that! I mean for _what?!_" Alfred looked to the side, his mouth opening then closing.

"I…uh…can't really-"

"It's confidential." Russia stated. The two other nations looked at him, Arthur's eyes narrowing.

"Oh really? Confidential to another country?"

"Yes?"

"Because you forget that if my citizen commits a crime against a nation then I, as the citizen's country have the right to know what information-"

"Terrorism." Arthur blinked, "And, as you know, if it is an act of terrorism then both America and I have the right _not_ to inform you seeing as it is a personal threat against a specific country." Arthur quickly turned to Alfred, his eyes softening as he looked at his former colony.

"Alfred, what is this about? You can be honest-"

"I can't tell you." Arthur leaned back slightly as Alfred looked away, "It's…confidential."

America didn't want to look at how hurt Arthur was. That look of disappointment and being left out. Arthur himself only looked away for a moment, briefly taking in the feeling of betrayal and confusion before rousing his confidence once more. His head snapped to the side as he looked at Mellissa.

"This interrogation is over." He snapped as America jumped slightly.

"Wait-what? No you can't-"

"Yes I _can_. I have the _right_ to protect my citizen. You will not be interrogating here. You will have to wait until you're either back on American grounds or Russian, but either way I refuse to give you permission to interrogate here-"

"Do not be a child Arthur." Ivan mused.

"You will both be hearing from me," He hissed, his eyes full of passion and fire as he looked once more at Alfred, "This is _not_ over. I _will_ get to the bottom of this." And with that he walked straight to the interrogation room and opened the door, briskly walking inside and telling Mellissa to get up. They both quickly made their way out of the room, Arthur giving one final glare to the two nations before leading the woman out of the room.

Alfred bit his lip.

"He was maaaddd."

"Indeed." Ivan sighed as he crossed his arms. Alfred scratched his head and turned to Johnson.

"Well, I guess we'll just have to make a game plan of the interrogation until we can actually carry through with it."

Johnson nodded and looked towards Ivan, who was eerily quiet.

"What will you do now?" Johnson asked, his eyes still fixed on the nation.

"Go back to the hotel room." Alfred said, beginning to walk away. Ivan stayed still though, his arms still crossed, "You coming big guy?"

Ivan smiled.

"I will…catch up. I have some…looking into things to do." Alfred sighed again and shrugged.

"Whatever dude. We already tried to find out more about her. Come on Johnson." The agent gave Russia one final look before following his nation out of the room. Ivan scratched his chin and looked at the ceiling.

_It is as if he forgets who I am sometimes…_

_vvvvvvvvvvvvv_

It was a very nice room. Better than hers to say the least, with its soft clean bed and large open windows. Mellissa gave a small sigh and looked out over the London lights. The city was beautiful at night. She had seen many places, but there was something about home she couldn't quite give up. Something in those lights always drew her back.

Her phone buzzed and she looked down at it. The familiar, untraceable number flashed at her and she smiled.

He was being very bold. Texting her when she was a prisoner in this hotel. She picked it up and stared at the message.

_I've ensured your safety. Don't do anything bold. I won't contact you again until it's over._

She smiled and put the phone down. He could be so strange sometimes…

Mellissa walked towards the bathroom, the steam enwrapping her as she walked onto the tiles. She reached over and turned the tap off, her reflection smiling up at her from the bubbles in the tub. The woman gently removed her housecoat and slipped into the warm water, a slight sigh escaping her lips as she took in the warmth. She leaned into the large bath and smiled, her eyes closing from the comfort and warm scents around her.

It was nice. The fact that she could just relax now. Of course she would have to work a little during the interrogation but, really the hard part was over. It was all smooth sailing from here.

Her nose twitched and her eyes watered ever so slightly as she took in the smell of the tobacco. She frowned. Why would the guards be smoking outside her room? They couldn't do that-

She opened her eyes and stared into the terrifying violet eyes of Russia, a cigarette dangling from his coy smile.

"I am sorry. Did I get you at a bad time?" She remained motionless, her brain not quite comprehending what was happening. He couldn't be there. It was impossible. She was under protection from the British government. There were guards outside her room-

He took a step closer and she stood, her back against the wall as she tried to feel around her. For a weapon. But there were no weapons-

_Stupid. Stupid mistake! I should have brought a knife into the tub-_

"You look frightened. Good." Ivan smiled as he took a drag of his cigarette and exhaled, "I do not want the one who humiliated me to be enjoying this."

"H…how-"

"Did I get in?" She swallowed. He giggled, "You forget who I am. I can go anywhere. Arthur cannot stop me."

She pressed herself further against the wall.

"You….if you touch me- the laws-"

"It would be a shame," He sighed as he looked off, "If someone were to come in here and hurt you. It's amazing what people can do to get passed guards. Perhaps your boss wanted to get rid of you or…maybe one of the guards is a double agent-"

"You can't-"

"I can. I can." He gave a warm smile and took another drag, exhaling slowly, "Now, I am going to ask some questions. If you are a good girl, they will find you alive." She swallowed harshly and gave him a strong look.

"You won't make me talk. I took interrogation training."

Ivan smiled.

"Then it is time for your final exam."

And with that he crushed out his cigarette.

UPDATED YEAH. AW YEAH. Please review~ It makes me happy and I will love you for your feedback~ 3


	19. Family Ties

I don't own hetalia. Also there is some blood in this chapter, just a heads up.

This chapter feels a little...disjointed. Sorry. I tried to fix it but...yeah. Hope it's ok.

VVVVVVVVVV

Ivan quietly closed the door behind him as he entered the suite. To his right was the bathroom, and down the hallway was the 'living room' and 'bedroom'. This was all from memory though, as he could not see the objects ahead of him. It was too dark. He reached to his right and lightly tapped the wall. After this he felt his way through the doorway and onto the bathroom light switch. The brightness cut through the dark of the room and he quickly went inside, not wanting to wake the other. Ivan shut the door as quietly as he could before he looked up in the mirror. He had cleaned himself of course but, he had been rushed and did not go into the fine details of his appearance. On closer inspection he noticed some blood in his hair and, even worse, a splash on his shirt. The stain was not obvious, however when he lifted his arm and twisted slightly the stain became more visible. He frowned. Now he would have to get it dry cleaned. And he would have to wait until they got back to Russia (as he went to a dry cleaner that didn't ask any questions).

He turned the tap and allowed the water to heat up slightly before he splashed it on his face. It had been a long night. By now it was around 4 in the morning. He was tired- too tired to take a shower. Besides, it would probably wake Alfred up- and he didn't need the boy asking questions right now. Ivan looked at his tired expression. He had gotten information from her, sure, but she had not revealed the true identity of her boss, and that bothered Ivan. Because it was obvious she did not keep the secret out of fear-that was strong, yet breakable (under the right circumstances). If she had been afraid then she would have eventually given into his 'gift' of safety- that she would be protected if she came clean. No, instead she was driven by something much stronger- love. A love for this…individual. And a love for a cause. This was not some spy working for a company. This was a soldier, willing to die to change the world.

'But how?' he thought, 'how would one marriage change the world? What was she talking about?' He turned the water off and gave a sigh. He would have to think over the new found information. His left hand clenched and he gnashed his teeth. He was known for his interrogation methods, and yet he could not get her to give him the name. How pathetic of him.

'I'm getting rusty. I need more practice.' With a nod he lifted himself up and turned off the light, his hand grabbing the door knob in the darkness. He opened the door and peered into the almost pitch black hallway.

'In the morning. In the morning things will make sense.' And with that he headed towards his bed.

Vvvvvvvvvv

Russia awoke to a muffled voice calling out his name. He opened one eye and looked around. Across from him was another bed, messy and empty. Beyond that was a large window, the curtains open revealing a sunny day. He sighed and closed his eye before hearing the muffled voice one more. This time he felt someone shoving his arm.

"Iahn, ake uuh." Ivan opened his eye once more, but nothing was in front of him. With a sigh he rolled onto his back and stared up at America, who had a tooth brush in his mouth.

"Mmm…what?" Ivan mumbled as the America pointed at his watch.

"Eee haahh-"

Ivan closed his eyes and rubbed them, "Please, empty your mouth, then speak." America rolled his eyes and went towards the bathroom. With a heavy sigh Ivan sat up and yawned. He looked at the clock which revealed it to be 9AM. He blinked and sighed.

He wanted to go back to sleep.

He heard Alfred spit loudly before hollering at him, "Britain wants to have brunch in an hour, so you have to get ready." Ivan threw his legs over the side of the bed and sighed, his hands still rubbing his face. He felt the small hairs on his cheeks and chin. He had to shave.

"Why in the world would your mother want to talk to us? Is he not mad? I thought he was mad."

"He is- but he wants to have brunch. And he wouldn't take no for an answer. So get ready and be on your guard." And then Alfred loudly spit again.

Russia rolled his eyes and got up out of bed. He leaned back and stretched his back, which made a cracking noise. His body was getting too old for this.

He ran his hand through his hair and walked towards the bathroom, his legs stumbling slightly as he went. When he finally got there he saw Alfred plug in his electric razor. Alfred looked at him in the mirror.

"Hey, if it was up to me I would have let your ass sleep, but Arthur was insistent bro." Ivan nodded and walked into the bathroom, his head still groggy. Alfred turned on his electric razor and turned his head to the side, the cool metal moving across his skin. He continued to look at himself as he shaved. "What were you doing anyway? I mean why didn't you come home- let me change that. Why did you come back so late? Did you get lost from the red light district or wh-OH MY GOD!"

To his left Ivan stood, his pants down as he relieved himself into the toilet. Alfred stumbled and dropped his electronic razor.

"W-WE ARE NOT CLOSE ENOUGH FOR YOU TO PEE NEAR ME DUDE! THAT IS A SERIOUS STEP IN THIS RELATIONSHIP THAT I AM-,"

And then Ivan let go of himself and reached towards Alfred. And touched his face. More like, touched half of his face and then slid his fingers down. Because Alfred was just talking too loudly for him at that moment.

And the sound Alfred made was unlike any other. His eyes nearly rolled into the back of his head as he took in a shallow breath, his mouth hanging open (allowing Ivan's fingers to slide down his lips).

Finally Alfred's body fell, his arms clinging to the wall as his legs lost their strength. He stared wide eyed at the shower in front of him as his mind went blank, unable to fully comprehend the horror of what had just taken place. Ivan pulled up his pants and moved towards the sink. It was then that Alfred truly understood, truly grasped what had just happened. With tears in his eyes he looked at Ivan, his mouth still open and dry.

He spoke while Russia washed his hands. "D…did you just… touch… your junk then… my face? Did you… you just… my face… came in contact with… your hands from… your junk so… my face… touched your junk-," With a sudden energy Alfred ran out of the bathroom and towards the sink in the living room, the bile running up his throat with amazing speed. He stood over it and gagged, his stomach turning and heaving in horror.

Ivan looked out towards Alfred and shrugged before closing the door. Now he could groom himself in peace. He grabbed his shampoo and body wash from his toiletries bag and turned the handle to the shower, waiting for the water to heat up. Outside Alfred sniffled and shook his head. He just couldn't believe what had just happened.

Russia stepped into the shower after removing his clothing. He took a moment to just stand in the warm water, allowing it to run down and wake his muscles from their slumber. He rubbed his eyes again and yawned. Normally he could wake up at an early hour after an interrogation- in fact he was used to pulling all nighters. So why was he so tired now? Had the interrogation really taken that much out of him?

_I'm just getting old_. He thought with a sigh, not really knowing how to feel about it. After a quick wash of his hair and body he turned the water off and stepped out, his senses more awake and aware. Outside he could hear Alfred mumbling to himself. A small smile crept onto his face.

_At least I've had some fun this morning._

America rubbed the soap up and down his face frantically, trying to get the unclean off of him. He didn't want to think about it. He wouldn't think about it. And he would never speak of this experience to another human being as long as he lived.

"Alfred~ You may be using shower now-"

"Don't TALK to me!" The American cried, the pink bubbles falling from his face. Ivan peeked his head out of the washroom and pouted.

"Why are you mad? It is nothing bad-"

"Don't even _talk_ about it man. It never happened. This never happened."

"Then why are you soaping face-"

"STOP TALKING."

Ivan sighed and closed the bathroom door once more. Alfred turned the sink in the living area back on and washed the soap off his face. When he looked back up into the mirror Ivan was behind him, walking to his luggage and pulling out some clothes. He then-

"For the love of GOD IVAN-," Alfred threw up his hands and turned his back to the Russian, a scowl on his face.

"Chto?"

"Why are you changing _here_ and not in _THERE?!_"

"Is my room." Alfred spun around.

"Yeah well it's my room too-UGH!" He shielded his eyes from the naked man. Russia sighed and crossed his arms.

"You are being a child. What to do with a child like you-,"

"I'm not-," Alfred gritted his teeth and looked at Ivan dead in the eyes, avoiding looking at the rest of his body, "I'm not being immature. I have every right to say we will never be close enough to be naked around one another."

Ivan frowned and kept Alfred's eye contact as he walked towards him. The two continued to stare at one another until they were face to face. America kept his gaze strong and secure, they both knew the game. First one to look away loses.

Ivan scratched his own face. Alfred let out a deep breath. Neither moved. Until Ivan shifted his weight. And for a split second Alfred looked down.

At this Ivan beamed and squealed, grabbing Alfred's chest and twisting his nipples violently.

Alfred let out a scream and fell to the floor, his hands over his chest as he withered in pain. Ivan giggled.

"These games are always fun with you." And with that he turned around and walked back to his own bed, picking out his clothes for the day.

After Alfred had (mildly) recovered from the incident the two made their way down to the lobby to order a taxi. America was playing the 'don't talk to me or I will break your face' game, so Ivan was playing the 'I will stare at you until you are the one who breaks' game.

It was a weird situation for the service desk to deal with. The man stared at the two nervously, his smile faltering.

"So a taxi for the two gentlemen?"

"Yeah. To here." Alfred, still simmering, slid the man a piece of paper across the desk. The man looked at it and nodded.

"Ah yes. Very nice place. Not too far from here."

"Good." Alfred spat. Ivan continued to stare at him, a smile creeping onto his terrifying face.

"You are so sensitive." Alfred stared forward. "I thought my attack would not hurt you, seeing as you are so covered in a gargantuan amount of fat." Alfred gritted his teeth, "Or are you not speaking to me because you saw how superior I am to you? Hm? Alfred?" Ivan was now right beside Alfred's face, his eyes wide and curious. America clenched the counter, the man on the other side staring in horror as a vein in the American's temple began to throb. But the Russian continued to stare, waiting for a reaction.

Alfred wasn't going to let in. He wasn't going to give into Ivan's games. But then just the feel of his gross, sticky, hot breath on Alfred's neck and he just- just-

"Alfred-"

The younger nation spun around and grabbed Ivan's nipples, turning as hard as he physically could. The taller man screeched in pain before he fell to the ground, a small sob escaping his lips. But America didn't say anything. He just flipped up his middle fingers and walked backwards out the door, his eyes never leaving Braginski until he was outside.

Which obviously made for a weird taxi trip.

And explained their moods when they came up to Arthur's table at the outdoor café. The Englishman had an angry expression on his face and was about to speak before Alfred cut him off.

"Don't EVEN Arthur! Don't EVEN RIGHT NOW. Just SIT THERE. And SHUT UP. AND LET ME DRINK SOME GOD DAMNED COFFEE." And with that he sat down, the rest of the café staring at him with wide eyes. Alfred snatched a menu from the table and put it up to his face, his cheeks still flushed from anger. He didn't even take a moment to notice his brother was there (it being all over the news that Canada was visiting England and the Royal Family).

Ivan came behind Alfred, a large pout on his face. He sniffled as he pulled out the chair across from Canada and sat down. He looked at him with big puppy eyes.

"Oh Matvie. The pain."

"Are… Are you ok?" The Russian sat up straighter and lightly tapped his eyes with his scarf.

"Oh yes… I am fine. Do not be worrying my fair friend." He sniffled again, his sadness now out of a need for attention than a need to express pain.

Matthew looked around awkwardly.

"Well if I can… do anything. Just let me know." Ivan hiccupped and reached across the table to pat Matthew on the head.

"Oh. Such a sweet boy. It's such a shame…" And then he trailed off while staring intently at Canada, making the other incredibly uncomfortable.

A waitress came by with some water. She placed Ivan's down on the table before making eye contact with Alfred. His glare was so powerful that she spun around and walked away, not giving the others their drinks. America went back to staring at the menu. Arthur leaned into the table.

"Alfred." The boy took a short breath and clenched the menu in his hands. Arthur narrowed his eyes. "Alfred look at me." The boy leaned back in his chair. England shot forward and ripped the menu out of Alfred's hands, "GIVE me that-,"

"HEY! I'm READING here!"

"You _LOOK_ at me when I'm _TALKING_ to you." The two glared at each other intensely before Alfred sighed and leaned back again in his chair, his arms folded. Russia and Canada just stared at the two. Russia in amusement. Canada in an expression that he had seen this many times before.

"Fine. Whatever." Arthur let out a calming breath and sat up straight in his chair, his hands quickly brushing down his outfit before he looked back at his disobedient child.

"We need to have a serious talk-," Alfred sat up straight.

"You bet we do-,"

"About this whole situation involving a certain _someone_-,"

"Yeah. Yeah I think so to." Alfred crossed his arms and leaned into the table, "Like your little spy-,"

"Oh don't GIVE me that CRAP Alfred! She's mine but she isn't-,"

"Then how about you explain why she was all up in our business-,"

"What BUSINESS?!"

"-workin' her way into our stuff to get info? Because the only one who's been heckling me non stop for information-,"

"Oh PLEASE!"

"- Happens to be this certain British prick who can't mind his own-,"

"It _IS_ my _BUSINESS!_"

"They do this often?" Ivan asked Matthew, the other tearing his gaze off of the others.

"Uh- yeah. It's not that unusual. It usually ends with one storming off. Then they fight again before drinking together. And there's a lot of drinking."

Russia raised his eyebrows.

"How much drinking?" Matthew raised his own.

"A lot." Russia hummed and thought about this, trying to somehow turn this into an advantage. Meanwhile the two nations continued to yell at one another. Ivan was just about to think of 'operation drinking games' when Canada interrupted his thoughts.

"Um… so you're uh… you're lactating blood." Ivan looked up in surprise before staring down at his chest. Sure enough a bit of blood had begun to seep through his shirt around his nipples. The Russian pouted and gave a sigh.

"Oh dear. Not again." He lifted up his shirt to have a better look. His chest was red with two large bruises around his nipples.

"That uh… how'd that happen? If you don't mind me asking-,"

"It was Alfred."

"Oh." A pause, "Did he like, bite you?" Russia looked up at Canada and batted his eyes innocently.

"Oh no. We were playing a nipple game." Canada at first made a disgusted look before shaking his head and blushing slightly.

"Sorry- sorry- I didn't mean to look so- uh- that's cool." He nodded awkwardly, "That's… it's nice you guys are like… having a healthy… marriage… relationship-," He swallowed and looked around, "Where is that waitress with the water?"

Ivan passed his own, untasted water to Canada, who smiled and gave the other a nod. Matthew took one sip of the water and placed it down before Russia gingerly took out an ice cube.

And placed it on his nipple.

He let out a satisfied sigh and rubbed the ice cube around the sore area.

"That is much better." He smiled, the ice cube quickly melting between his fingers. Matthew stared at him with a blank expression, his brain not computing what to make of the scene in front of him. Before the ice cube melted Ivan put it back into the glass with the others. Canada looked down at the water and frowned slightly, his brows furrowing together. He waited a moment before sliding it slightly towards the other.

"Uh you can. have your water back-,"

"Why thank you Canada that is very nice- _ahhhhh_." Ivan placed another ice cube on his sore chest and sighed happily. The Canadian now moved uncomfortably in his chair, not quite knowing what to do. Ivan leaned back and closed his eyes.

"Matvie, say my name-,"

"What?"

"Just say my name friend-,"

"I don't…uh…" Matthew lowered himself in his chair and looked away.

"Matvie just say it-,"

"This is making me really, really uncomfortable-"

"Just once-,"

"Ok… Um… Ivan." The Russian let out a happy groan and sigh, while at the other end of the table there was a loud snort.

Matthew shot his head to the side to see American holding his mouth and smiling as if he was about to vomit out his laughter. Meanwhile Arthur stared in horror and disgust. Canada threw his hands up to his face and lowered his head in shame and embarrassment.

"M-maybe you should say his n-name in a l-lower voice." Alfred snorted, the later part of his sentence coming out in a squeal. Ivan continued to lean back with his eyes shut.

"Yes Matvie, in a lower voice now-" And then Alfred let his hand go and threw up his laughter (not literally) so that his giggles and snorts were heard all around the café. Canada lowered his face onto the table and folded his arms around his head, too embarrassed to speak.

"Y-y-you go-gonn-gonna dri-drink that w-wa-water M-Matt?!" Alfred spat as he slapped Ivan on the back. Finally Ivan began to chuckle before he boomed with laughter. The two leaned over their chairs, trying to gain breath as they giggled and snorted and laughed. Arthur pursed his lips and took a strangling breath. He clenched his teeth and leaned across the table.

"_This_ is what I'm _talking_ about Alfred." America sat up and leaned on the table, his body still shaking with giggles.

"What? Whaaaat. Come on Arthur we're just-"

"Having fun? Playing a game? Not taking this seriously? It figures." Alfred wiped the tears from his eyes and took in a breath.

"No it- come on Arthur don't be like this-"

"Well for you information this isn't a bloody _game_ Alfred." Alfred shook his head quickly and let out one last giggle before swallowing his laughter down.

"Yeah- Yeah I know Arthur I know. This isn't a game-,"

"Now there are _lives_ at stake." Alfred shook his head one last time and shut his eyes tightly before opening, taking in that last sentence.

"Lives- Arthur no one's dying." England leaned back in his chair and scoffed.

"Oh, so you didn't get the news then?"

"No. Why don't you enlighten me-,"

"You're miss 'has all the answers' was found in her bathtub this morning. Almost dead. I say almost because someone had taken the liberty to literally stitch her back up so she wouldn't bleed to death. Or, should I say almost bled to death until we actually took her to a hospital where she did, in fact, bloody well _bleed_ to death." Alfred looked away for a moment taking in the information. He then clenched his jaw and stared right at Arthur.

"Alright, so-,"

"So_ I _want to know why _YOU_," Arthur pointed at Ivan, who was now sitting upright and listening carefully, "_killed_ one of MY citizens!"

Ivan scoffed.

"First- I killed no one. Second, your people are incompetent if they could not save her-,"

"And just how would you _bloody_ well know her condition if you weren't the one who-,"

"HEY Hey! _Easy_!" Alfred looked at Ivan before looking back at Arthur, "What makes you think we- or more specifically- Ivan did it-,"

"Oh _please_ Alfred. I know Russian torture-,"

"Oh like it's so different from what we all do-," Alfred began before Arthur cut him off.

"Alfred I was on _your_ side during the sixties and it was no BIG SECRET that I was caught by _his_ people and-,"

"And so?! You should see what I did to HIM back in '73! Hell we've-,"

"NO ALFRED." Arthur glared at the other, "You don't _forget_ Russian torture. I _know_ those knife marks. I _know_ the carvings. That was his work."

"I-," Ivan began, but Alfred cut him off.

"Ivan had NOTHING to do with it. He was with me the ENTIRE night. We watched old movies and ordered in food."

"Oh _really?_"

"YEAH _really_." Arthur leaned closer again.

"Why are you _defending_ him?! You and I both know he did it-,"

"No he DIDN'T-,"

"Yes he DID!"

"Guys, we can just-"

"SHUT IT Matthew!" Arthur snarled, the younger nation cowering back. Alfred shoved Arthur slightly.

"Hey! Don't talk to him like that!"

"I will talk to him any way I damn well _please__!_"

"God what is WITH YOU?!"

"What's with _YOU_ ALFRED?!" Arthur stood, his face growing hot with anger and perhaps fear, "Do you even REALIZE what you're _doing?!_ You're defending RUSSIA! _RUSSIA_!"

"Who I am NOW PARTNERED WITH so YEAH!"

"Since when are you two so CLOSE?! What HAPPENED to you?!"

"We happen to be FRIENDS now! WHICH the TWO OF US ARE ARTHUR but you're FRIGGIN PUSHING IT." Arthur pointed at Alfred.

"You've _changed_ Alfred."

"Oh yeah, here we go, I've changed-,"

"You've changed and it's because of HIM." Arthur pointed at Ivan angrily. The other raised his eyebrow.

"Arthur don't go there-," Alfred began.

"He's _isolating you_ Alfred! You never _talk_ to anyone! You never _call_ any of us! You're just always with _HIM_ ALL THE TIME!" Alfred stood.

"So what if I am?! We friggin LIVE TOGETHER! DUH! And I can't leave him alone lest I want someone MURDERED-"

"Like last _NIGHT?_"

"DON'T friggin GO THERE dude!"

"Because THAT'S what he IS! A _murderer_! And you're acting like it's NOTHING! Don't you remember who he IS?! What he's DONE?!"

"I said BACK OFF Arthur-,"

"Or did you _FORGET_ all the COLD WAR-," Alfred thew his hands in the air.

"Oh my GOD ARTHUR! SHUT UP!"

"He's just USING you!"

"SHUT UP!"

"YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S DONE! YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S LIKE! YOU KNOW-,"

"I _SAID_ SHUT UP ARTHUR! He's my FRIEND-,"

"HE'S JUST GOING TO _BREAK YOU_ AND _LEAVE YOU_-," It was quick. Most people didn't even see it, but Arthur sure felt the searing pain of Alfred's fist colliding with his jaw. He crashed into an empty table and stared up, dazed slightly at the reaction.

"WHAT?! Like what I did to YOU?! IS that _IT_?! YOU'RE just jealous that I have a FRIEND! UNLIKE YOU!" Arthur stood and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, glancing down at the blood streaked across it. He then grabbed his belt and slid it off. Alfred scoffed and looked around. "What? What you're going to give me the belt? Dude you haven't belted me since-,"

"Oh, you're about to _get_ it-,"

"COME AT ME BRO!" Arthur ran forwards towards Alfred, but the American was waiting and quickly grabbed the chair beside him and smashed it across Arthur's face. Arthur fell over the table, causing it to flip as Ivan and Matthew stumbled to their feet to get out of the way. England got up once more but dodged Alfred's chair and hit him with a stiff upper cut, hurtling the American onto an occupied table. The citizens screamed and fled out of the café, many staying just outside the small fence to take pictures and videos.

"G-guys please!" Canada cried out.

"Why are you even fighting for him?" Arthur asked. Alfred rubbed his jaw and glared at Arthur.

"Why do you even care?"

"Oh sod off you bloody-" Arthur stumbled back from Alfred's kick to his stomach. His knees almost gave way but he held up, his body experienced in more than one fist fight. He quickly grabbed Alfred's fist and twisted so that he could fling him over his shoulder. The American fell with a loud 'oomph!' and tried to get up before Arthur drove his heel into the other's stomach.

"PLEASE! Guys!" Matthew tried again as the Englishman mounted Alfred, his fist colliding straight with Alfred's jaw.

"You just NEVER LEARN." He hissed, folding his belt and raising it to strike. But Arthur left his side open, allowing Alfred to use his strength to knock him and kick him off. They both rolled and now Alfred was over Arthur. He hit the other man with enough force to immediately break his nose. And with the other he hit to dislocate the jaw.

"ALFRED STOP! ALFRED GET OFF OF HIM!"

The American hit again and again. Blood and spit covering his bruised knuckles as he swore and spat in anger.

"Always talkin' DOWN to me and treating me like some DUMB ANIMAL and NEVER MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS and TALKING TO _MY PAL_ THAT WAY-," He was interrupted when he was knocked out of the way and into a nearby table. Alfred shook his head and got to his knees, only to see Canada kneeling over England.

"Are you ok? Arthur can you hear me?" Arthur coughed weakly and spat out a tooth. Alfred stood and glared at his brother, who met his eyes and slowly stood himself.

"What are you doin' Matt?"

"You guys have done enough. It's over. Just leave him alone." And normally Alfred would have left it alone. He would have thrown his hands in the air and sighed and just walked away pissed off like usual.

But something about Arthur today just set him off. Just the way he treated Ivan- AND Alfred! Like he had no idea what he was doing! Like he was some kid that had to be criticized AGAIN!

He had already walked up to Matthew when the other lightly pressed on his chest.

"Alfred leave it."

"Out of my way."

"Alfred don't touch him-," Alfred shoved Matthew out of the way, "ALFRED!" And he was just about to kick that stupid limey bastard when he was thrown (ok rather smashed) into the café brick wall. Rather violently.

Like… blood violence.

Like, Alfred had to take a second for his brain to restart from the major head trauma he just took. He blinked and looked over at Matthew, who now stared at him with a very firm expression on his face.

"I said. _Don't touch him_."

Alfred moaned lightly and touched the side of his face, which was now slick with hot blood. He shook his head and leaned out from the wall, a smile on his face.

"Oh well now. If it isn't the little colony." Matthew stood tall and took an aggressive step forward as soon as Alfred moved closer. The American looked at his brother and sighed, running a bloody hand through his hair, "Listen Matt. This isn't between us. It's between me and him."

"You want him, you go through me first." Alfred rolled his eyes.

"God, why are you so _dramatic_? It's just a fight Matt-,"

"And it's done. Unless you want to fight me. And I won't go easy on you. Just because there are civilians here." Matthew growled at the end. Alfred laughed and began to walk forward.

"Seriously? I would kick your ass Matt. Then I would kick Arthur's ass in front of you. And then the two of you could go cry and-,"

"I'LL F*CKING KILL YOU ALFRED." The American stopped, his brother protecting Arthur like some crazed animal. Alfred kicked the ground.

"Oh WHATEVER MATT! This isn't FREAKIN WORLD WAR ONE! He can FIGHT for HIMSELF!" America motioned towards Arthur, who was on his knees and elbows, taking deep breaths. Canada continued to stand his ground, his body ready and itching to fight. Alfred scoffed once more. "You just- what's so GREAT about him MATT?! YOU ALWAYS do this! It's always ARTHUR this and ARTHUR that! You could never just have your own identity! It had to be CANADA, owned by BRITAIN!" Matt stared him dead in the eyes. Alfred glared, "You're such a DOG. Always coming running whenever he needs you. And even if he didn't need you! You'd be RIGHT THERE. And you're- you're not even a GOOD DOG! What did you EVER do for ENGLAND? _NOTHING_.

"AND he doesn't even LIKE YOU!" Alfred shouted, "When does he EVER CALL YOU if it's not for business? When does he EVER want to hang out with you? DID he EVER ask you if YOU want to do something? NO! NO it's ALWAYS YOU! AND YOU KNOW IT!" America shifted on the ground, his body gritty from the attention but his brain pleading with him not to go there, "HE ALWAYS wants ME! And you know what he TELLS ME? YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAYS? He SAYS HE DOESN'T _LOVE_ YOU MATT! HE NEVER LOVED YOU!" Soft, strong arms came from behind and held Alfred back.

"Alfred. That is enough."

"HE _HATES_ THAT FRENCH IN YOU! IT SICKENS HIM- HE'LL NEVER WANT YOU! HE DOESN'T WANT YOU! AND YOU'RE _SICK_! YOU'RE _SICK_ FOR WANTING HIM TO WANT YOU!"

"Alfred _enough_." Ivan mumbled, pulling Alfred back. It was then that America could see that his brother still held his strong stance, but large tears were now streaming down his face. In the pit of his stomach, Alfred felt guilt. But he just couldn't help himself. He just had to-

"Oh you always CRY! Stop being the FRIGGIN VICTIM!"

"I'M NOT CRYING-,"

"YES YOU ARE-,"

"Enough." Russia grabbed his wrist and yanked Alfred away. The American grumbled and tore his hand away.

"Yeah yeah. I'm coming." They both walked briskly through the opening in the little fence, the citizens moving out of their way while taking photos and whispering amongst themselves.

Arthur finally stood on his feet and rubbed his face. His nose was reconstructed thanks to his healing, but his jaw hurt like hell and so did the rest of his face. He felt anger, but most of all humiliation. At being taken down by his former colony (just like before). And for losing a fight on his home turf. With all his citizens watching. And knowing it would be all over the internet in just a few minutes.

Slowly Canada relaxed and took a few deep breaths until he was finally in a less threatening state. He stood with his back to Arthur for a moment, not knowing what to do or say. Finally he turned, his eyes cast downward.

"Arthur I'm sor-," And it was a quick decision. Something that you make on pure impulse and not on thought. Because in that moment Arthur was so filled with utter rage at his humiliation that he didn't think at all about what he was doing. So when Matthew turned Arthur's hand just swiped down, the belt slashing across Matthew's face with a loud 'CRACK' that echoed down the city streets. The Canadian immediately fell to the ground with a shriek, his hands covering his wounded face as he shuttered, half expecting another blow.

England took in a breath, immediately regretting his decision. He shouldn't have done that. He had better control over his emotions. And now Canada was-

He looked around at the shocked onlookers. His people. He turned back to Matthew and swallowed, adjusting his collar.

"That's enough Matieu. I can fight my own battles." And with that he gave an awkward nod before walking towards the exit and past his citizens. They slowly moved away from him, all of them silent from what they just saw. Arthur's stomach heaved as he thought about what he had just done. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath, making his way to the car. He would apologize later. He would make everything right later. For now he just had to leave before he did anything else.

Matthew kneeled on the ground, his body shaking as he- oh god no not right now- let out a sob. He was actually going to cry was he? In front of all these people? He curled tighter into himself and wished he could just disappear. Just be alone. But he couldn't…he had to leave. And that meant facing all the onlookers. With one last sob, he clenched his teeth and focused on the pain in his cheek, the blood pouring out of the open wound where the leather had split the skin. He uncurled himself and stood, his lungs screaming to hiccup and cry out in pain. But he couldn't. He had to be strong. And as he turned towards the crowd and began to walk away he could feel the tears streaming down his face from

Humiliation and the disgrace and dishonour

He tried to take a normal breath but the tears kept coming. And the more he wanted them to stop the more they came. And all around the people took photos and videos of him. But he walked, with his head held high. And when he got to the crowd they very slowly- painfully slowly- moved out of his way.

"Oh sweetie, your face." An older woman said. He turned to her and gave her a smile.

"I-It's f-fi-fine." He hiccupped. Right. Best not to talk. Or he'll wind up a sobbing mess. So instead he made his way through the crowd and held up his hand at the side of the street. It took forever for a taxi to come, especially with all those people watching and whispering.

Finally a taxi pulled in front of him. He didn't look at the crowd. He just told his hotel to the driver and sat back as the car began to move away. And when he was finally on the road, away from that place, he finally allowed himself to break down and cry. Just cry.

VVVVVVVVVVVV

It wasn't until they were back in the hotel room that Alfred actually spoke to him.

"You mind telling me what happened back there?" He asked as Ivan closed the door behind them.

"Well…you physically beat up England…and emotionally scarred Canada-,"

"Yeah BEFORE that. Like about Melissa being dead."

"Ah…yes." Alfred turned around.

"It _was_ you…wasn't it?" Ivan waited a long moment, never breaking eye contact with America before he gave his reply.

"Yes." Alfred let out a long breath and rubbed his face.

"Why…I can't believe you-"

"I had to-,"

"No you didn't! We had time Ivan! We could have… she could still be alive now if you didn't-,"

"I had to. She would never have talked if we did this legally."

"She could have!"

"It's too late now." Alfred hit the wall before leaning against it. He closed his eyes.

"She wasn't… a bad person." Ivan walked towards Alfred and placed his hand on his shoulder.

"We have information now."

"But did we have to get it like _this_?" Ivan didn't answer. Instead they just stood there for a long time, both lost in their own thoughts. After a while Ivan took in a breath.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For… defending me." Alfred turned to him. Ivan looked at him and sighed, "It's been a very long time since someone- well, other than Bela- has stood up for me. Though, you did not need to be so violent."

"Arthur had it coming for a while now and anyway, where the hell were you? Where was my backup?" Ivan shrugged.

"I wanted to see you beat up your mother. It was highly amusing. Though with Matthew less so." Alfred looked away.

"Yeah I know."

There was a pause.

"Less so because you publically humiliated him-,"

"Yeah I KNOW-,"

"In front of Arthur, whom he adores." Alfred sighed and grumbled as he walked into their room.

"Yeah I know, I know. Just give Matt a couple days. I'll apologize then." Ivan walked in behind him. They both stood in the room, not really knowing what to do. There was still so much day light left, but neither wanted to really go outside. And there was so much to take in from the last couple of hours. Alfred let a smile fall on his face. "Hey."

"Da?"

"Want to stay in and watch movies and order food… then steal the video footage and switch it with last nights?" Ivan smiled and patted Alfred on the back.

"You read my mind friend."

VVVVVVVVVVV

So...that took a dark turn. Wow. I don't know why but I've wanted to write this scene for a while now. England isn't really that bad of a guy, he and Alfred just aren't getting on to well at the moment. I hope you liked it. Please review if you liked it or if I forgot something, thanks!


	20. Life is Change

Hey Guys. So This isn't a completed chapter but I wanted to post it so you guys knew I wasn't dead. I hope to complete it this week. For now here is a sneak preview! Hope you like it!

I don't own Hetalia

p.s- This chapter talks a little bit about Alfred and Mai's (Vietnam's) history together. On one hand I am drawing upon some historical facts, but on the other hand I am drawing upon human nature. So I'm not saying America the nation literally acted like this to Vietnam the nation, but I am saying Alfred and Mai felt this and did this to each other as two people in a relationship. Ok go read.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

The air was muggy considering the time of night. America took in a breath, the city air filling his lungs. It was different from New York or Chicago. This city smelt like spices and wild flowers…and orange trees. That's what she smelt like. Like orange trees.

Alfred tore his eyes away from the city lights to see her beside him. Out on the balcony, just the two of them. He looked her over before turning back to the city. In all honesty he had no idea what to do, this wasn't exactly his forte.

_Hell, England and his stifling need to be 'proper' would be better at this than me._

He tried to think of what to say, but it was all blank. What could he say? He had already complimented her on her dress, and even that stumbled off his swelled tongue. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. His breath was unsteady, his palms sweaty, his face flushed with red.

He had thought about this moment for a long time. Since the first time he saw her on the landing strip, with her long black hair and piercing eyes. Since their first dinner together. He thought about it when she spoke to him, with her eyes full of passion and ready for a challenge. And even when he funded France in his attempt to take her back, the photos he saw- the photos. With her bloodied shirt and her muddied pants (he had never seen a woman wear pants like that before) and that look in her eyes. That sheer determination. It was that fire that struck him-that pierced his chest and ignited a flame in his body. And even though she was rightly pissed at him afterwards for aiding her enemy, she still allowed him to contact her. And once he came and talked to her again and again, she had begun to let him in.

Just a little closer every time. He had broken down her mighty wall with his smiles and charm. He chipped away at it when he played with her children, when he fumbled over her language and when he caused her to laugh. And gave her respect. As if no man had given her respect before.

And slowly she let him see her smile and hear her giggle. Her laughter was funny and strange, as if she wasn't used to it. She made no noise while she laughed, only her mouth would open in joy expressing her pleasure. And she had let him see her when she was troubled, her fears of the future and of her brother tearing down her weary soul.

And now they were here. At this place. At the American embassy, the diplomats laughing and carrying on inside, happy about the new aid. The Americans telling stories of how there will be no more red threat, and the Vietnamese expressing their thanks. And there they were, alone on the balcony. The doors shut behind them, so no one could hear.

He was alone with her.

His puritan upbringing wasn't seeming to have an effect on his thoughts at the moment.

"Not everyone is happy." He turned to her, his eyes looking over her strong, small figure once more. She stood with her arms crossed over the railing, her eyes looking down on the city.

"Yeah, I know." Alfred sighed.

"It may be…trouble because he is Catholic." Alfred leaned on the railing as he looked at her.

"Yeah, but it's one of the reasons my guys like him." America took a sip of his champagne. It was bubbly like his stomach.

"But…many of my people are not…" She trailed off, her eyes slowly looking over towards him. He froze, his hand shaking slightly as he tried to remain calm. He took a shaky breath. Why did she have this effect on him? How did this happen? "Don't listen," She waved her hand lightly, "I know it will be good. You should be happy." Her English wasn't the best, but her eyes always got her meaning across.

"So should you, I uh," He swallowed again, "I look forward to working with you." She chuckled and turned fully towards him, her traditional silk dress shining in the light.

"You are acting so….," She looked off, trying to think.

"Confident?" He squeaked. She shook her head. He swallowed again and looked down.

"Strange?" She nodded.

"Yes, yes that. Strange. Why are you acting strange?"

Alfred took a breath and looked away, before looking back at Mai with his most seductive smile (which he had never actually tried).

"It's only because you make me feel so alive." He was then going to do it, to walk right up to her and grab her. And kiss her. Give her the smooch of her life. He placed down his champagne on the railing and-

realized that the railing was round. His glass fell seconds before the making the shattering noise. This was proceeded by some swearing in Vietnamese.

"Oh shit I-" Alfred swore before being cut off by the soldier below. The soldier yelled up at him as Alfred moved away from the railing. Mai, meanwhile, was laughing so hard she was silent. The soldier yelled again and Alfred panicked, not understanding what the other was saying. "U-uh- Sorry! I didn't mean to uh- drop that!" The man yelled up a third time. Alfred looked desperately at Mai, who was now laughing normally. She took in a breath and yelled out something to the man below. She then continued to laugh, Alfred waiting for her to calm down. He turned his back to her and grabbed his hair. Why was he such a screw up!

"You- you so-," She shook her head, "You are so funny." He turned around and sighed.

"Yeah, I'm a regular joker I guess." He sighed. She chuckled and shook her head.

"I don't….most time, I don't understand what you say. You're English is so…so funny." He sighed once more and she came up to him, a gentle smile on her face as she approached the defeated man. "That is…a reason people like you." His ears perked up at the word like.

"Hm? Well…I mean, I'm glad I make people laugh." He only then noticed how close she was to him. He looked around anxiously, his confidence gone and his mind turning blank.

"And you are a good teacher. I have been learning good English from you." He gave an awkward smile, his eyes registering how close she was. His skin reacting to her touch as she lightly grazed his cheek with her fingers. "But I have learned new words. By myself."

"Th-that's good." Her face leaned into his.

"Do you want to know what words?"

"Yes." _Oh god yes._

She tilted her head upwards and pressed her lips against his ear, so her hot breath tickled and sent shocks down his spine.

"_Kiss me_."

His breaths were light and quick as she pulled her face away ever so slightly. He closed his eyes and dipped down, his heart pounding the hot blood through his veins. He stopped just before his lips met hers, his body aching but his brain halting him to make sure she was committed to the idea. When the second ticked by and she stayed, he moved in.

Her lips weren't smooth like he thought they would be. Instead they were cracked and scarred from war and revolution. And yet, they weren't hard, still soft in their own way. He clenched his fists to hold him back from just grabbing her and ravashing her, he had to keep calm. But when she pulled away and kissed him a second time, and a third, he felt his strength not fading but bursting forth. At the fourth kiss, when she lightly licked his lower lip he lost control, his arms flying out and taking hold of her, his right hand delving into her hair as his left hand held her back. He kissed harder, his mind not knowing what to do but some sort of instinct taking over. She made a noise of surprise before wrapping her arms around him in consent.

And even though the world was relatively quiet, Alfred could swear there were fireworks going off all around them. Suddenly his world was loud and bright, the smell of orange trees overwhelming his senses as he took in the strange new feelings. He never wanted to stop- what need was there to stop? He could just keep doing this forever, stay in this love induced position without a care in the world. Who cared about the stupid reds, or her new leader, or anything? All he cared about was her, and the way she felt and moved. And tasted. She was so sweet. It was like candy, he just wanted more. But there was also something metallic about it, like copper or iron. Like licking a penny. Alfred pulled away suddenly, the taste making him nauseous, the music on the record player too loud, the room inside the house suddenly too hot and humid.

He looked down at her weak face as she coughed, the blood flying up and speckling her face with red dots. Alfred spat on the floor of her room and dropped her, her frail frame making a loud thud on the floor. He spat once more and wiped his mouth, her blood smearing red over his hand.

"For god's sakes Mai, freakin tell me before you do that." The two fans whirred loudly as the summer sun streamed across the room. Over their bed.

Well…her bed.

Since he moved out.

She stared up and him and gave him a look.

"Dropping a sick person? Very kind."

"You surprised me ok? It's not everyday I get a mouthful of blood."

"You are the one who wanted to kiss-,"

"Which, clearly, was a terrible idea. I guess I won't try that again." He walked past her, ignoring her need for help. He quickly looked in the bathroom, then out on the balcony. But he couldn't find him.

"Where is he?" He asked, turning back towards her. By now she was up and leaning against the table. Her arms shook as she tried to keep her balance, her bloodied face turned towards him.

"Who?" She asked, and he knew she did it just to piss him off. He gave a frustrated sigh.

"The baby. Where is he?"

"He's not here-"

"Well could you tell me where he IS?" He said, making his voice sound as belittling as possible.

"What is wrong with you? Coming in here suddenly and-" He ran his fingers through his hair, only to grip it at the end. He had to be calm. He had to remain calm.

"It doesn't matter Mai! I just want to know you did with the baby!" She pulled out a handkerchief and coughed into it, the blood speckling the light fabric.

"You are worse than usual today. Did something happen?" Alfred groaned loudly and threw his arms in the air.

"For the love of GOD MAI! I just want to know WHERE THE F*CKING BABY IS!" He shouted. She gave him another look.

"Yes. Something must have happened. You always want to see him if something has happened-," Alfred moved towards her and screamed so she would somehow hear him through her thick head.

"WHERE IS HE?!" Mai widened her eyes, as if surprised, before calming back to her regular gaze.

"In the garden." Finally, his words got through to her. He knew she did it just to anger him, but he always fell for it. There was a silence between them as America took a couple deep breaths. "What? You think I would leave him in the street?" He ground his teeth and moved for the door.

"Who has him?"

"One of my attendants. He's fine Jones-"

"I'LL decide if he's fine." He walked past her and came to the door. She shook her head.

"What do you want with him?"

"I need to make sure he's ok-"

"He's fine here-"

"Well I frankly don't trust TRAITORS-"

"Why are you like this?!" He turned to her as she glared at him. But there was something else there too. As if her eyes held….disappointment. And even with the fire they were so tired. He stared at her unamused. Mai gestured across the room. "First you bring me a baby! And then you say you want us to raise it? To play mother and father? Why did you come here?!"

"Well I THOUGHT we could try again but since you're hysterical-"

"He's not your son!" America immediately grabbed her wrist, his grip hard and cold.

"He's American. He is my son. And I thought I could trust you to look after him. But I can't. Because you just HATE Americans don't you-"

"NO I just hate YOU-" He quickly slapped her across the face and somehow she found her balance. So she looked directly in his eyes as he snarled.

"Go on! Say it again!"

"I HATE YOU!" He hit her again, his rage growing hotter each time she looked back at him. So he hit her again, and again. Finally she collapsed, and he clenched his fists so hard as he stood over her, his foot pressing down on her throat. He blinked back his rage filled tears. Because even after all this time, it still hurt. It still hurt when she said that to him. His lips quivered as his tongue swelled, the tears trickling down his face. Because he didn't want to be like this. He didn't want them to be like this. And all he wanted to say was

_I still love you_

Vvvvvvvvvvvv

Alfred slowly opened his eyes, the new surroundings strange yet familiar. It took him a moment to realize he was in his hotel room and not in a far off place. He let out a groan and rubbed his head. Maybe he should talk to someone about the dreams. Of course he had them from time to time, but lately they had been more frequent and more intense. He took a couple of deep breaths, allowing the anger and emotion to flow out of him. He and Mai were fine now. They were on good terms. There was nothing to be angry about. They had moved on. He gave a small nod, acknowledging the dream before pushing it away. Now he had to wake up.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes Alfred sat up, his eyes confirming that he was sleeping on the couch. He looked ahead of him to the empty beds, and then behind the couch to the empty hallway. He turned his head to the other side observing all the beer bottles and room service. He tasted his mouth. It was absolutely disgusting. So he slowly stood up and shuffled towards the empty bathroom. He took his time setting up his toothbrush while glancing at the mirror. He certainly had better looking days. And while he brushed his teeth he cleared his head, neatly putting away his memories into specific little boxes in his mind. The good memory he would maul over a little, chewing the details before placing it back in storage. The bad memory, however, he would tuck away immediately. He didn't need to go back to feel the rage and guilt. He spit and rinsed his mouth, gargling for a moment before spitting once more and looking in the mirror. He gave a wide smile. Well at least his teeth looked good.

As he walked back into the main living area he could swear something was missing. He looked at the couch, then at the beds. He blinked and thought it over. Two beds? For two people- Right! Right he was living with Ivan now. Alfred gave a little sigh and looked to his left, then his right. Then his left again.

"Uh…." He uttered, his brain still trying to catch up with the current situation, "Ivan?" There was no response. "Ivan?" Again, nothing. He walked back to the couch and tried to remember the previous evening. They had come to their room after….oh! After picking up a couple cases of beer.

_Then….._

He looked at the food. They had ordered chicken wings. And salad because Alfred didn't want to be fat. And then they had watched movies and…basically that was it. He remembered falling asleep to an 80's movie. And Ivan was…

_He was on the couch too!_

Alfred looked about the room. Then where was he? The American walked over to the coffee table where his cell phone sat. He picked it up and quickly dialled Russia's number. It rang and rang before going to voice mail.

American sighed and flopped down on the couch. Whatever. It wasn't like Alfred was Russia's keeper or anything. He lazily grabbed the remote and switched on the television, contemplating what he was going to have for breakfast. He was a growing man, so he would probably need lots of eggs and toast and sausage…mmm and sauce. It was in the midst of this daydreaming that he heard his name on the television. And Canada's name…and-

Alfred looked at the television as it showed what looked to be a cell phone video. It was blurry, however it did show Matthew standing over Arthur's body. And Alfred…standing across from him saying…

"UGHMYGOD." Alfred groaned, slamming his arm into the couch. Somehow he had forgotten the pathetic fight Arthur had put up and the mega humiliation Alfred put Matthew through. America rubbed his eyes and sighed loudly. That meant he would have to make a public announcement today apologizing for his 'outburst' and his boss was probably super pissed and-

Alfred sat up and went to the closet, immediately pulling out some decent clothes to wear. He had to act quickly and talk to Matt before he was bombarded by the press. Alfred bit his lip, unless Matt had already talked to the press. Then Alfred would have to make a response-

_No. Don't think of that. Just get to Matt. _

He nodded and went to the washroom, deciding to take a quick shower (to get the smell of booze and chicken off of him) before heading to Matt's hotel.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvv


End file.
